Romance and the Fate of Equestria
by Supa Supa Bad Truly Mad Moves
Summary: There's more than one way to smite evil. To paraphrase The Smiths, "I am equine and I need to be loved, just like everypony else does..."
1. Chapter 1

**Romance and the Fate of Equestria**

Hey, folks. Long-time brony, first-time contributor. Sure, I don't create episode art which is online before the episode is even over, and I don't analyze and name every little background character, and I don't create epic-scale remix music videos for the series' songs… but despite my shortcomings I assure you I'm quite loyal to the show. So bear with me as I present to you: _Romance and the Fate of Equestria_. This is gonna be huge, folks.

**Chapter One**

Six friends gathered in the Ponyville library. There was no particular reason, no special occasion. It was simply time… time for all of them to join together for a sleepover.

Twilight smiled at the sight of her five friends, sitting in a circle with an empty space for her. She bounded over, beaming wildly. "Yay!" she spouted. "I love it when we're all together—and now we're all together for a slumber party! For the first time!" She started rapidly prancing in place. "It just makes me so happy! Aaaah!"

Rainbow Dash laughed. "I love it when you get your geek on, Twilight," she said affectionately. "Makes me proud to be one of the ponies who provokes that reaction."

"Will Spike not be joining us tonight?" Rarity asked.

"No, of course not," Twilight said. "This is girl time! He and Owloysius are watching the animals over at Fluttershy's place."

"Ain't that dangerous?" Applejack said, concerned. "A big ol' raptor in a house full of bunnies and rodents?"

"Oh, no," Fluttershy assured her. "I've worked with owls before. The trick with any carnivore is to make sure they're never hungry, and keep them on strict rations at all times, so they know they're not allowed to hunt or kill. And in the meantime, large predatory birds do have a knack for making small creatures sit down and shut up." She giggled.

"So anyway," Twilight said, levitating in a small, white cardboard box, "I bought this set of suggestions for games and activities we can do."

"Yup, there it is," Rainbow said dryly.

Twilight pulled the top off the box and began glancing through the cards. "My brother's wedding really got me thinking about some things," she explained. "The blue cards are games and the orange ones are the puzzles, while the pink ones are deep personal questions that the entire group is required to answer. So, you know…" She chucked all of the orange and blue cards to the side.

"Hmm… that's pretty good," Rainbow Dash admitted, after turning her head and seeing that all of the cards had landed perfectly stacked on a table.

"Sometimes you just feel like you don't know somepony you thought you knew," Twilight went on, shuffling the pink cards. "I think these questions might get this problem out of the way for the six of us." She set the cards back in the box, and set the box gently on the floor in front of herself. "Here's what we do: one of us pulls out a card and asks the question, then we go clockwise around the circle until the pony who first asked the question has answered it, we pass the box counterclockwise and the process is repeated. Everypony got that?"

The others merely blinked.

"Eh, how about we play it by ear?" Applejack offered.

"Okay, I'll begin," Twilight said eagerly, floating a card out of the box. "It says, '_Will you ever get married, and who would your ideal mate be?_' Ooh, how appropriate! Rainbow Dash, you start."

Rainbow Dash, immediately to Twilight's left, scratched an itch on her neck as she considered the question. "Will I ever…? Yeah, probably. I mean, most ponies do. Who would it be? I don't have a flapping clue." She laughed. "Think about it. What kind of pony goes for a smokin'-hot tomboy who kicks hindquarters and takes names? It's more 'can I get your autograph?' than 'can I have your number?' So, uh, yeah. Put in a big 'unsure' for me. Fluttershy?"

"Oh," Fluttershy said, surprised. "Well, I… I always wanted to get married, ever since I was little. I still do… I dream about it every night." She stared off into space, seeming introspective.

"Um… Fluttershy?" Rainbow Dash said cautiously.

Fluttershy was quiet for a few more seconds. "You guys wanna hear something crazy?" she said absently.

"Oh, sure!" Pinkie Pie said. "Why do you think I wake up every morning? Hit us!"

"Right," Fluttershy whispered, returning her focus to the group. "Well, here goes… I've never spoken to a stallion in my life."

Twilight frowned. "Fluttershy, you must be exaggerating…"

"Obviously," Fluttershy said with a tiny grin. "Obviously I had to talk to one if I had to buy something, or help him, or if he was an authority figure… but I've never _really_ spoken to one… never had a real conversation on a personal level. I have trouble talking to anypony, you all know that. How could I ever… ever ask for… for…"

Her lip trembled, and her eyes grew misty. Rainbow Dash lifted a hoof and gently rubbed her back, just between the wings. "It'll be okay," she whispered.

"So…" Fluttershy choked out. "Short answer, no, I'm never getting married."

Rarity gasped. "Oh, Fluttershy! Sure you will! If it's what you want, it'll happen."

"Yeah, Fluttershy," Twilight said. "You don't have to worry about being alone."

"We're your friends, we'll help you out," Rainbow finished. "It'll be a breeze!"

"Yes," Rarity said firmly. "And you know, darling, I think I can say without hyperbole that you are the most attractive mare in Ponyville."

Fluttershy blinked away the hints of tears which had appeared in her eyes. "R-really?" she stammered. "I thought that was you."

"Oh, that's very sweet of you to say," Rarity said with a smile. "But look at me… it's only because I try really, _really_ hard. Whereas you, well, you roll out of bed every morning already looking like the goddess of a freshwater spring."

Twilight stared at Rarity in surprise, her eyebrows raised. "Rarity, that was beautiful."

"Thanks, I'm taking a poetry class," Rarity said. "Anyway, Fluttershy: why do you think you had such success as a model? To this day, Photo Finish calls you her favorite subject of all time. She was devastated when you quit, and never really recovered."

Fluttershy frowned. "Rarity, I appreciate what you're saying, but you don't have to lie to me to—"

Rarity's horn glowed blue, and she pulled a magazine out of her saddlebag, opened it to a certain page, and shoved it into Fluttershy's face.

It was an interview with Photo Finish, Fluttershy realized. Her eyes were drawn to passage which, apparently, Rarity had gone over with a highlighter pen. "'_Of course I would like to talk about Fluttershy_,'" she read. "'_She remains my favorite of all the subjects I have ever captured across my lifetime. Her running away from the life was an immense blow to my career. It has never been the same, no, never the same at all._' Wow. It actually says that." Flipping to the cover, she saw that the magazine was dated from that very day.

"So you see?" Rarity said cheerfully. "There's no reason we can't get you married off in a flash! Who did you have in mind?"

Fluttershy blushed. "Oh… nopony, really. But you're all so kind! So, um… can we move on now? Pinkie?"

"Right!" Pinkie Pie said, bouncing on the spot. "The getting-married thing. Let's see… well, that's a toughie." She leaned back into a contemplative position. "I remember when I was a filly, I _never_ wanted to get married. Never ever. My parents never seemed to be happy with each other. But then…" she said, returning to her previous position so rapidly that some of the others jumped. "Then I started working and living with the Cakes! And they were so perfect together, and I realized, somehow, someday, somewhere beyond the borders of Equestria…" She breathed in dramatically, her eyes wide. "…there is somepony… WHO ENJOYS A GOOD _PARTY_ AS MUCH AS I DO!"

"_Waaaaay_ beyond the borders of Equestria," Rainbow Dash commented dryly.

"Yeah," Pinkie Pie said, nodding. "And I figure, you know, as long as I'm out there I can discover an alien civilization too."

"…And marry it," Rainbow said.

"The whole civilization? I hadn't thought of that. It has possibilities."

"…Right," Twilight said, chuckling. "So, um, Applejack? How about you?"

"Ah, I dunno," Applejack said earnestly. "I'm kinda married to the farm right now. Never did meet a fella who caught my eye as anything special… but, hey, life-changin' epiphanies do happen. So, that's my piece. Rarity?"

Rarity pondered for a moment, then responded simply: "Meh."

"'Meh'?" Applejack repeated.

"Yes, 'meh'," Rarity said, shuffling uncomfortably. "The whole 'prince charming' thing… I'm pretty much over it." She sighed bitterly. "It's an uncommon pony who's truly all they're cracked up to be. Celestia knows I've tried, in fact she's probably witnessed some of my more pathetic attempts… but it's just not a priority, not anymore. I suppose I've grown. Besides…" She averted her eyes and grinned mischievously. "We all know that if I ever got married, it would break my poor little Spikey-wikey's heart."

Twilight turned to face Rarity in shock for the second time. "Um… what?" she said blankly.

"Well, I said—"

"No, I heard you, it's just… Spike? Really?" Twilight said. "Rarity, are you actually implying that… I don't know what you're implying. What are you actually… what is… what was I saying…?"

"You want to know if I'm implying that Spike has a chance with me," Rarity said calmly. "Well, you know… I'm certainly not about to accept his romantic advances anytime _soon_, but… well, we'll see what he's like once he's grown up a bit. Just a bit, you know. Is something wrong, Twilight?"

Twilight blinked, then shook her head to clear it. "Um… no, no, it's nothing. Just that now that you've said it outright I owe Donut Joe money… He's always had faith in Spike, a little too much, I think… anyway, back to the game…"

"Yes, that's right!" Rarity said, her eyes sparkling. "How about you, Twilight? Is there room for romance in the heart of the determined academic?"

"Oh, are you kidding?" Twilight said. "Absolutely! Think about it—friendship is magic, right? We've seen that for ourselves more than once. And now, we've seen that romantic love has a bit of punch behind it too. I want to find out more about that, to unlock that potential in my own heart. I bet if I mentioned it to the princess, I'd get a huge research grant!"

Applejack tilted her head. "Why would you need a grant to study romance?"

"Um… I don't know. Makeup? Dinner reservations? Look, I'm clearly unschooled on the subject, okay?" Twilight grumbled, her momentum broken. "Let it go. My point is… part of the reason I called this sleepover is because I wanted to tell you all that I've resolved to start dating. Around Ponyville, and maybe beyond… and just see what happens."

"Well, that sounds like a mighty nice thing to try," Applejack said. "Could change your life! We're all behind you a hundred percent!"

"Mm-hmm!" came a general call around the circle.

"So, I read the next card, correct?" Rarity said, drawing one. "Let's have a look at it then… '_Discuss the traits of some of the most desirable colts at school_'—at 'school'? Twilight, what age group is this for?"

Rarity attempted to lift the box to read the bottom of it, but Twilight set her horn on it as well, and her more powerful magic quickly wrested the box back to the ground. "It's for everypony," she said firmly. "Let's pretend it says 'in town', all right? 'In town'."

Rarity chuckled. "If you say so. Go ahead, then, Twilight."

Twilight thought. "Well… wow, I really don't know. I don't really know many of the stallions in town. Who _are_ the most eligible ones?"

Rainbow and Fluttershy both perked up at the question, and in unison said, "Big Macintosh!"

Startled, they gaped at each other. Applejack, meanwhile, spat out the glass of water she had just been drinking. "Say WHAT?" she demanded.

"Oh, come on, Applejack," Rainbow Dash said calmly. "Everypony knows Big Mac gets all the ladies."

"Since when?" Applejack said skeptically.

"I don't know, at least as long as I've lived here," Rainbow said, shrugging. "Sometimes I find myself thinking, you know what this guy is? He's an enigma. A mountain that a mare feels she's just gotta climb."

Applejack stared.

"You know, metaphorically," Rainbow said hastily. "I mean, metaphysically. No, no, wait, it's metaphorically. Had it right the first time. Metaphorically… climb him. Heh… hehe…"

Applejack's eye twitched.

"Um, anyway, like I was sayin'…" Rainbow said nervously. "I figure he's the kind of guy, you just _know_ he's got the fillies chasing his tail at every turn. You know, 'cause he's big, muscley, quiet, kinda strange…"

"Oh, that is it!" Applejack said, standing up. "Twilight, where do you keep the liquor?"

Twilight blinked. "Um… I'll break out a champagne bottle if you stop doing whatever it is you're doing with your nostrils just there."

"All right, done," Applejack said calmly. "Lead the way."

Twilight and Applejack departed for the kitchen together. Rainbow Dash turned to Fluttershy. "So, you got the hots for Big Mac too, huh?"

"Oh, well… who _doesn't_?" Fluttershy replied, giggling. "I remember the first time I ever saw him. He was tending to the orchards. Being so gentle with the fruits, I could tell that he cared for plants as much as I do for animals. And… and I remember thinking, is this the stallion I've been searching for? And _then_ thinking, no, of course not. Surely other mares, mares much more outgoing than me, have noticed the level of his… perfection." The last word was barely a peep.

Sensing that Fluttershy needed comforting, Rainbow resumed massaging her back. A moment later, she stood on two legs in mock celebration. "I lose!" she whooped.

"What?" Fluttershy said blankly.

Rainbow bowed. "As is par for the course, I'm shallow, with a big old side of ''cause it's there'. But you? You've got a real _reason_ to like him, a connection with who he is and what he does. And I'm gonna help you land him!"

"Um, really?" Fluttershy said.

"Sure! I mean, I could be wrong, I might be totally projecting, but it sounds to me like you might actually be in love with the big guy."

Fluttershy's face flushed. "Oh, that's stretching the truth just a… just a little bit…" Her voice trailed off as if something had just occurred to her, and she burst into tears.

"There, there," Rainbow whispered. "Dash is here for ya…"

Twilight and Applejack returned with the champagne. "Um, hey Twilight?" Rainbow Dash said. "Can we cut the game short? I think we've traumatized Fluttershy enough for one night."

"Well…" Twilight said anxiously, noticing Fluttershy's state. "If she wants to get herself off to bed now, I guess that's fine… maybe we all should…"

"Aw, I wanted to take my turn!" Pinkie protested.

Twilight raised her eyebrows. "Well?" she prompted.

"Well, I _was_ gonna talk about Big Macintosh, but—"

"Oh, fer cryin' out loud!" Applejack snarled, throwing her hooves into the air. "Is there anythin' else I don't know about my immediate family that y'all'd like to fill me in on? What the hay kind of nonsense is this?"

"But… Applejack," Twilight said gently. "You _must_ have known that your brother is an extremely attractive stallion."

"How do I know?" Applejack fumed. "He's my brother!"

"Okay, this has really gone far enough," Rainbow interjected. "I'm taking Fluttershy upstairs before a gunfight breaks out." Supporting Fluttershy, she took to the air and sped to the upper floor. "We call Twilight's bed!" she shouted as she zipped away.

"Wait… _both_ of you?" Twilight called up. "You can't both call my bed!"

"Just did," Rainbow's voice replied from upstairs.

"But it's _my_ bed," Twilight grumbled.

"Try and drag us out of it," Rainbow Dash retorted.

Applejack chuckled and rolled her eyes. "I'm gonna hit the hay too. Pinkie, help me haul in that old mattress."

As the pair of them left, Twilight and Rarity started upstairs to the spare bed.

"I admit that's not what I was expecting when I whipped out those cards," Twilight confided. "I _thought_ we were all adults, but instead all this schoolfilly drama started cropping up…"

"Oh, not at all!" Rarity said, surprised. "There were some very adult emotions behind this whole scene. I know _just_ what they're talking about, and why they feel the way they do."

"Do fill me in," Twilight said, genuinely eager to hear about it.

"Well," Rarity began, "I don't have a brother, but I can see why it drives Applejack crazy, the notion of her brother… being… well, you know. He's hardly an immoral pony, far from it, but it is true that many a filly in Ponyville would give their tails and hooves just to get an 'eeyup' in their direction. And Applejack is bothered by this, which you can understand. Even you objected, at least a little, to the very idea of your brother getting married. Is that fair to say?"

"Hmm… I suppose," Twilight said. "How do you know this stuff, Rarity? Do you have a psychology degree you never told us about?"

"Well, I _do_ have a very nice couch, but that's about as far as it goes," Rarity said. "I mostly understand _this_ situation." Having reached Twilight's spacious room, Rarity lowered her voice. "You see, Rainbow Dash and Fluttershy are exactly right about Big Macintosh being a prize. Several years ago, I had the fortune of running into him at the annual hoedown. I managed to strike up a conversation with him, and we… danced."

"Danced?" Twilight repeated, matching Rarity's tone curiously.

"Yes, danced," Rarity repeated, slipping elegantly into the spare bed while avoiding Twilight's eye.

"Um, your eyes look kinda shifty there," Twilight said. "When you say 'danced'…"

"It's a euphemism, yes," Rarity said snippily. "We spent the night at my place. Okay? I regret that part of my life. The point is, he was extremely polite about the whole thing… and I can say from experience that the local girls are right to admire him."

Twilight clambered into bed, her brow furrowed as she attempted to process a few things at once. "You regret _which_ part of your life, exactly?" Twilight said.

"You know… my college days."

Twilight still didn't understand. "What, you mean non-stop studying? A lust for new things to learn?"

"Hmm, well, you got 'non-stop lust' right…" Rarity mused.

"Where the heck did you go to college?" Twilight muttered.

"Someplace normal," Rarity replied irritably. "Where did _you_ go to college?"

"SGU. You know, the School for Gifted Unicorns. As in, Princess Celestia's."

"Well, of course," Rarity scoffed. "You were all right under the nose of the princess, there would be no hanky-panky at _that_ place…"

Twilight was now more confused than ever, still stuck on the part of the conversation where Rarity and Big Mac had spent a night together. "Um… what is 'hanky-panky'?" she asked.

"Go to bed, Twilight."

"Um… okay," Twilight said.

The lanterns were doused, and the town of Ponyville was quiet.

A few minutes later, a tiny speck of light appeared on the tip of Twilight's horn as she floated a quill and parchment above her head.

_Dear Princess Celestia,_

_Friendship produces no shortage of interesting questions. This means, of course, that my studies will never end, which I'm sure was exactly your intention._

_I'm writing to ask you about a very special project I'm hoping to undertake…_

-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-

**Endnotes**

Incidentally, I've had this chapter quasi-composed for a few months now, but decided I shouldn't post anything until the season was over. The "Canterlot Wedding" finale was, if anything, extremely apropos of this intro. I love it when things work in my favor!


	2. Chapter 2

**Romance and the Fate of Equestria**

**Chapter Two**

"This is DJ P0n-3 hoping you had a rockin' trot to work! And now, for your listening pleasure, a band so awesome I'm not even allowed to say their name on the radio, playing the song that's the biggest smash hit Canterlot's seen in a very long time—their very own single, 'By the Blades of Her Eyes'."

Twilight entered Sugarcube Corner, with Spike in tow and repeatedly scanning a letter she had received that morning.

"Hi, Twilight!" Pinkie called from behind the counter.

"Hello, Pinkie," Twilight said. "And hello to you, baby Cakes!"

Sitting happily on Pinkie Pie's back, Pound Cake and Pumpkin Cake giggled in response.

"You know, you _are_ really good with them," Twilight said, beaming.

"Thanks!" Pinkie said. "Hey, check out what I taught them—we've been working on it…" She cleared her throat and turned to the twins, pulling a hilariously grotesque face and shouting "WHAZZUP!"

"WHAZZUP!" Pound Cake echoed, making the same face.

"WHAZZUP!" Pumpkin added, finishing off the three-part harmony.

Twilight laughed aloud. "That is funny… and so wildly inappropriate. Wildly inappropriate, yet funny."

"That's what I was going for," Pinkie said. "Can I offer you something this morning? We've got fresh crepes!"

"And they smell delicious," Twilight said. "A couple of those for both of us would be delightful."

"Okay!" Pinkie said. "Spike, you want yours garnished with sapphires? Maybe a bit of gold leaf?"

Spike, who had been absently bopping along to the radio, raised his head. "Gold leaf?" he repeated. "You so know me!"

Pinkie gathered up some plates and napkins. "Whatcha readin'?" she asked Twilight.

"Well," Twilight said proudly, "after a couple of days of discussing the terms and looking for precedents, the princess has okayed my 'magic of romantic love' project."

"Ooh, that is so cool!"

"Yep, I'm very engaged in this," Twilight said, nodding. "Once Cadance is back from the honeymoon in Shetland, I'll be corresponding with her, finding out how she does it all. Princess Celestia has pointed me toward some of the books on the subject." She produced one from her saddlebag.

Pinkie read the title as she placed the crepes in front of Twilight and Spike. "_101 Ways To Succeed With Fillies_… 'fillies'?" she repeated, wrinkling her nose. "What, are you gonna pick up little kids?"

"That was my reaction too," Twilight said, rolling her eyes. "It's annoyingly archaic, but it'll serve my purposes once I've translated it into less offensive terms. And then, for the hooves-on approach, I will be hitting the dating scene ASAP."

"That's awesome, Twilight," Pinkie Pie said sincerely. "Just don't neglect your friendship studies while you're doing it!" She pouted at Twilight, her eyes impossibly enormous.

Twilight laughed. "Point taken… and don't worry about that. I've been doing _that_ research for far too long to forget about it now… or ever."

The bell rang as the front door to Sugarcube Corner opened. "Morning, Zecora!" Pinkie said brightly. "Your usual?"

"Please," Zecora replied graciously.

"So," Twilight pondered. "How exactly _does_ one 'hit the dating scene'?"

"Uh, I dunno," Pinkie said with a giggle. "It's just like making friends, I guess. Here you go, Z."

She passed a coffee cup to Zecora. Zecora uncapped it, releasing a cloud of blue smoke, which she inhaled quickly, appearing utterly contented.

"It's not that easy," Twilight said. "I'm not like _you_, Pinkie. I can't just waltz up to somepony and start asking questions… I honestly don't have the faintest idea of where to begin, and no matter how academically I approach it I can't figure it out."

"Well, have you tried thinking about it not-academically?" Pinkie said. "It's just an extension of making friends. I do _that_ all the time, and I never studied jack squat." She leaned toward Twilight seriously. "Friendship sticks, Twi, and not just the kind that comes after you've saved Equestria together. You've got lots of friends who _didn't_ save Equestria with you. Like Zecora here, or Cheerilee."

"So… you're saying I should approach dating in the same way I approached them?" Twilight said. "Just… casually? I guess the comparison fits, but it just seems like something's missing… what do _you_ think, Zecora?"

Still sipping, Zecora lifted her eyes toward Twilight. "Hmm?"

"I need everypony's perspective on this," Twilight said. "And you know how difficult getting close to others can be… what would you suggest?"

Zecora stirred her drink as she thought about it, then recited: "When going about your day, or at popular haunts, one must act like a pony who knows what she wants."

Twilight blinked in surprise, then quickly wrote that down.

"'Tis not perfect advice, just my best," Zecora said. "Tell me, your talk of romance, why the sudden interest?"

"Oh, lots of reasons," Twilight said quietly. "Do you ever think about a legacy, Zecora? Stuff like who'll tend to the alchemy shop when you're gone? If future ponies forget about our works, then… then they'll forget about _us_."

Zecora laughed. "You need not be concerned by such morbid stuff—you've shaped the future of Equestria quite enough."

"True," Twilight said, grinning. "I guess I'll be in the history books… still, it's not just a legacy. It's…" She waved a hoof absently, trying to find the words.

"Lineage," Zecora supplied.

"Yes!" Twilight said. "That's it…"

"To place not merely your deeds, but your very self, into the far future," Zecora said. "So ponies may say, I am a descendant of Twilight Sparkle, to be sure."

"Something like that," Twilight agreed, beaming. "I mean, let's not put the cart before ourselves, as they say! Step one is to start dating somepony, and there are a _lot_ of mysteries to unravel on that subject…"

Zecora looked over Twilight fondly. "And then, your perfect match, who shares your goals, and knows the deepest secret of your soul. You and he'd be quite the sight; I wish you luck, dearest Twilight."

"Thank you," Twilight said. "My perfect match… I remember the spark of realizing I had friends, how good that felt. I can't wait for the spark of falling in love. And then…" She paused dramatically. "Then we can make charts!"

"Charts?" Spike said blankly.

"Charts, to find out if we're genetically compatible, and about our family histories, it'll just be so romantic…" Twilight gushed.

"Genetically compatible?" Spike repeated. "Heh. Don't tell Sweetie Belle that, or I'm screwed forever…"

"Oh, Spike," Twilight said gently. "I know it might seem like that now, but you need to realize—wait a minute, did you say Sweetie Belle?"

Spike blinked. "Huh, I guess I did. Well, we really hit it off at the wedding, did you see?"

Twilight raised an eyebrow. "So… no more Rarity?"

"Rarity? Eh, I figured I'd quit while I'm ahead," Spike said casually. "I've got her right where I want her, so now it's time to open up my options."

Twilight chuckled quietly. "Right. I'm sure _that_ was your thought process."

"Totally was."

Twilight thought about it for a moment. Spike and Sweetie Belle were, in chronological terms, the same age, and that was at least a start…

"Sweetie Belle is super-nice," Spike went on. "And cute! You ever notice, she looks _exactly_ like a kind of a mini-Rarity…"

"Whoa, whoa, back up," Twilight said sharply. "Spike, as your guardian, I am not going to let _that_ comment slide. You can't just…"

"No, no, I didn't mean it like that!" Spike said, waving his claws frantically. "I'm not saying she's some cheap Rarity replica. I _am_ perceptive enough to realize she's special in her own way, Miss 'I-think-Spike's-an-emotionally-stunted-twerp'. 'Cause I'm not, you know."

"Ah… heh," Twilight said. "Of course you're not. On record, though, you _are_ a baby dragon. You can ask anypony. I _will_ be making some decisions for you, Spike."

"Yeah, I know," Spike said.

"Good… good," Twilight said. "I'm glad you're setting more realistic goals for your love life, at any rate. But, you know, about Rarity…" Twilight stopped herself. _Why would I tell him what Rarity said at the sleepover? That's just silly_… "You know what, never mind."

"Hmm?" Spike said, confused. "What were you about to say?"

"Something absurd, just forget it," Twilight muttered.

The door chime rang again, and Fluttershy poked her head into the shop. "Twilight?" she said.

"Yeah, Fluttershy?" Twilight said.

"Well, I think I'm done agonizing now," Fluttershy said brightly. "I'm gonna do it… I'm gonna ask Big Macintosh to go out with me."

"That's wonderful!"

"Could you, um… accompany me?" Fluttershy asked.

"Why?" Twilight said, surprised.

"Well, I… first of all, I need some backup," Fluttershy said. "I can't do this all by myself… and I thought you'd be perfect, 'cause, you have the academic interest and you also want that special connection with somepony, so I thought you'd want to tag along and take notes. No matter how badly I fail, it's sure to be informative…" Her voice trailed off.

"Fluttershy," Twilight said firmly, walking over to her. "Don't go into it thinking you're going to fail. Everypony who knows you loves you, Fluttershy… he'll _adore_ you."

Fluttershy took a deep breath in, then nodded, signaling she was ready to go.

"Okay," Twilight said. "Spike, you'll be all right by yourself for a little while?"

He nodded.

"Great," Twilight said.

Just outside, they crossed paths with Derpy.

"Oh, Derpy, have you dropped off my mail?" Twilight asked.

"Uh-huh," Derpy replied. Even her mailbag was somehow being carried in a quirky manner. "You got that new book you've been waiting for."

"Oh, good," Twilight said. "Wow, I ordered it weeks ago, why didn't it come sooner?"

"Oh, I took it so I could read it," Derpy said. "I'm done now, so I packaged it up again and, eh, now it's been delivered."

Twilight frowned. "Um… Derpy, not to alarm you, but that's technically a federal crime."

"Oh," Derpy said. "Um… sorry."

"No, no, it's okay," Twilight said. "But couldn't you have just waited for me to put it on the shelf so you could rent it?"

"Hmm, hadn't thought of that," Derpy said. "That's a good idea. See, that's why _you_ run the library." She hugged Twilight tightly, and Twilight couldn't help but smile and hug her back.

"Have a good day, Derpy," Twilight said.

"See you guys later," Derpy said, fluttering into Sugarcube Corner. "Morning, Pinkie Pie," they heard her say. "I got your mail here…"

After Twilight and Fluttershy had been walking for a few more seconds, they heard Pinkie's voice, breaking through the walls with her excitement.

"A letter? For me? From Inkie Pie? SHE'S COMING HERE? YAHOOOOOOO!"

Twilight and Fluttershy exchanged glances and broke out laughing.

-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-

At Sweet Apple Acres, Big Macintosh was atop a ladder, trimming the branches of a tree. Twilight and Fluttershy stayed concealed as they made their plans.

"How do we start?" Fluttershy said. "I should just be honest with him, right? Tell him that I've been watching him for a long time, and…"

Twilight flinched. "Yikes, even I know you don't open with that," she said, flipping through the book. "Look, he's your friend, isn't he? Just strike up a conversation… and then work in your proposal to take it a step further. See, that's where you have the edge. I don't even know anypony I'd want to go out with… but you, you really do know exactly what you want. Don't you?"

"Right," Fluttershy said. "What am I so nervous about? It's all words, just words." She stepped into the open. "I just march over there and say, 'Big Mac, I'd like you to go out with me!'" She turned on her heel and walked back to Twilight. "I can't say that, that's just ridiculous."

"Um, Fluttershy…" Twilight said nervously.

"I mean, I don't even know him, not really," Fluttershy said, pacing back and forth. "And he certainly doesn't have any clue who _I_ am, to him I'm probably just the droopy girl who hangs out with his sister. What measure am I when he's got every flingin'-flangin' mare in Ponyville to occupy his attention—oh, I hear what you're saying!" she said sharply, raising one hoof in declaration. "I'll never know if I don't try. How often do I drill that into everypony else, and then—"

"Fluttershy—" Twilight tried to interject.

"Don't try to change my mind!" Fluttershy snapped, her wings bristling. "I _have_ to do this! I _have_ to!"

"Uh…" Twilight said, confused.

"I have to," Fluttershy announced, rising into the air, "because I'm so brain-explodingly in love with him that I'll just up and go insane if somepony else snaps him up!"

"Listen, Fluttershy…"

"Of course," Fluttershy said, her tone now quiet but so sorrowful that Twilight had to stop. "Of course, somepony else is gonna snap him up no matter what I do. I've always known that. I'm… I'm just not that special, damn it." She dropped to the ground, hanging her head. "You know what, never mind, just take me home."

Twilight didn't respond. "…Twilight?" Fluttershy said, concerned.

"Um, _well_…" Twilight said, clearing her throat. "I've been meaning to say through your whole spiel there, and I'm not sure what this does for your plans, but, ah, he heard everything you just said."

Fluttershy was suddenly aware of a very heavy presence standing just behind and to the side of her. "Um… did he really?" she asked casually.

"Uh-huh."

"Shoot," Fluttershy muttered. "I always speak too loudly, no matter how hard I try to keep a low profile…"

There was silence for a painfully long stretch of time.

"…So, are you gonna turn around and look at him?" Twilight asked.

"Never," Fluttershy squeaked.

In response, Twilight used her magic to lift Fluttershy off the ground and rotate her, setting her on the ground so she was face-to-face with Big Macintosh.

"…Hi, Big Mac," Fluttershy forced out.

"Hey," he replied.

"That… that was _really_ messed-up, wasn't it?" she said, smiling.

He shrugged.

Twilight raised a hoof. "So, should I back off? Give you two some space to figure this thing out?"

"Eeyup," Big Mac replied.

"Awesome!" Twilight said. She ran for cover, choosing a spot just on the edge of the Everfree Forest where she could watch without hearing what was being said, and without being seen herself.

Rainbow Dash dropped down next to her. "Well, _that_ could have gone better," she said.

Twilight jumped in surprise. "What the… have you been…?"

"Stalking Fluttershy?" Rainbow Dash supplied. "Yeah, I do it all the time. Well, not _all_ the time. But I worry about her. You know what she does? She gets in her own way. Gets so freaked out she can't even move. And one of these days she'll need me to be there before it's a life-threatening situation and her limbs quit on her."

Twilight shrugged, figuring that that was as acceptable an excuse as she'd get.

"Really ramped up on my stalking in the past few days, though," Rainbow said after a few moments.

"Oh?"

"Yeah. I mean, I get seriously concerned, Twilight. Ever since I saw her gangle into flight camp as if she was… I don't know, something really gangly. Said to myself, yep, somepony's gotta watch out for that one. Turned out to be me."

"Uh-huh."

"Fluttershy's not like the rest of us," Rainbow said seriously. "She's got no ambition, see? She's happy the way she is. Then there was the sleepover, we all put her under pressure, made her realize she's got a big old piece missing… Kinda ruined her, didn't we? Now she knows, and she can't go without. Kind of like you, Twilight."

"Hmm?" Twilight said, confused.

"Wait, wait!" Rainbow said suddenly, her eyes on Fluttershy and Big Mac.

Fluttershy and Big Mac pressed their right front hooves together and shook once, as if they were making a deal… or setting a date. They turned and departed, both looking stunningly cheerful.

"Yes!" Twilight said, pumping a hoof.

"She's in, baby," Rainbow said smugly.

"So… what did you mean, she's like me?" Twilight asked. "In which respect, exactly?"

"Well, think about it," Rainbow said. "You came here looking for magic, right? And you thought that that'd be it for you, that that'd be all you'd need. But you found something else. So, what would you do if Ponyville and all your friends were taken away from you now?"

"I would die," Twilight said simply.


	3. Chapter 3

**Romance and the Fate of Equestria**

**Chapter Three**

_My initial forays into the dating conundrum have confirmed that a pre-existing relationship with the pony in question is ideal, if not utterly necessary. Most sources recognize the feeling of attraction as a mild twinge in the chest cavity, accompanied by flashes of heat like the fires in a brazier. I can say with certainty that I have no acquaintance who triggers such a reaction in me. Therefore, I must expand my social circle—an act I once viewed as unnecessary but always proves exceptionally rewarding. To follow, a chronicle of the initial investments of my time._

Twilight set aside her quill and looked over her new journal entry. Satisfied, she rolled it up and gazed out the window.

"But where, where, _where_ to begin?" she muttered.

-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-

"Fluttershy, you look marvelous!" Rarity beamed.

The changes were simple; the slightest touch of eye makeup, a blown-glass butterfly decorating her mane, a pendant adorned with a rose.

"My knees won't stop chattering," Fluttershy said shakily.

"I noticed," Rainbow commented. "Figured that would happen, so I had Zecora whip this up." She passed a flask across the floor to Fluttershy.

"Oh," Fluttershy said, impressed. "Is it some kind of potion to calm my nerves?"

"It's rum and diet soda," Rainbow said, shrugging. "Drink up."

Scowling, Rarity took Rainbow aside. "Really, Rainbow Dash?" she whispered harshly. "Before the date's even begun?"

"Hey, somepony's gotta do the talking on this date, and we all know it ain't gonna be him," Rainbow said defensively. "Besides, I've seen Fluttershy drink. She just becomes pleasantly chatty, that's all. And she never—"

She paused and turned her head at a curious noise; Fluttershy was chugging down the entire flask at an alarming pace.

"Never does _that_, I was gonna say," Rainbow said nervously. "You okay, Fluttershy?"

Fluttershy dropped the empty bottle and gave a full-bodied shudder. "Zecora's an alchemical genius," she slurred. "We should put her face on money."

"He's here!" Spike reported from the window of the boutique. "And… huh, Applejack's with him."

Fluttershy straightened up in alarm, then trotted alone out into the street. Big Macintosh looked the same as he usually did, save for the little black bow tie which seemed to be stuck to the front of his horse-collar with double-sided tape. And sure enough, Applejack was there at his side.

"Um… hi, Applejack," Fluttershy said cautiously. "Will… you be accompanying us?"

Applejack shook her head. "Just escortin' him this far. Where y'all headed?"

"Oh, just gonna catch a play," Fluttershy said casually. "Bon Bon and Lyra have put together this huge production, they say it's going to be wonderful! I hear the Mayor is in it and everything. Right, Big Mac?"

"Eeyup."

Applejack shrugged, as if defeated. "Well, all right," she said. "Stay outta trouble," she added, nudging Big Macintosh.

Rarity and Rainbow Dash joined Applejack as she watched Fluttershy and Big Mac depart down the street. At the theater on the end of the block, Big Mac opened a door for Fluttershy and stood at attention as she passed through.

"Well, ain't he the picture-perfect image of gentlemanship," Applejack commented.

"Yeah," Rainbow agreed. "Always has been. You know that, right? When I said he gets around, it kind of came out wrong. He doesn't 'get around' per se…"

"I know, Rainbow Dash, I know," Applejack assured her. "Bats his eyelashes at every filly, is all… nothin' wrong with that… anyways, just wanted to see what he was doin'. I'll catch y'all later."

"Bye," Rarity said quietly.

"See ya," Rainbow said, flying away.

Applejack started back home, but Spike raced after her. "Wait, Applejack!" he called. "I wanted to talk to you. How much do you know about olives?"

"Olives?" Applejack repeated. "Yeah, I know the Olives. Distant relatives on my mother's side. They got orchards way up north. I hear from some of 'em occasionally. There's Olive Branch, Olive Oil, Olive Loaf…"

"Hold it, stop," Spike said, raising his claws in protest. "I didn't mean the family. I meant, do you know how to take care of an olive tree? 'Cause I got this olive tree…"

"Oh, you mean _actual_ olives," Applejack said, suddenly comprehending. "Well, olives aren't my forte, but I do have a love of all the things that grow—Sure, I could help you out."

They turned and headed for the library. "Why do you have an olive tree?" Applejack asked.

"Shining Armor sent it to me from up north," Spike explained. "He knew I had a pet, so he sent me a plant too. Trying to teach me responsibility, you know."

"Well, I'm on board with that," Applejack said. "I'll teach ya all I know."

They walked in silence for a few seconds, until Spike asked, "Olive _Loaf_?"

"Yeah, apparently Aunt Olive wanted a filly and… took it out on him."

"Ah."

-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-

Spike's olive tree stood, potted, in the center of the library's ground floor. "Oh, that's a beauty, all right," Applejack said. "Let me see what I can do…"

Peewee chirped from his spot on Spike's desk.

"I know," Spike assured the baby bird. "Applejack, do you think we should get it fireproofed? Just 'cause, you know, a dragon and a phoenix…"

"Well, you'll have to talk to Twilight about that, if you must," Applejack said. "But first you gotta try and accept her the way she is." She nuzzled the tree affectionately. "Okay, baby, I'm just gonna fix you up and then Spike here is gonna take care of you for a long, long time."

Spike watched, fascinated, as Applejack gently stroked the tree's branches and leaves.

"You treat trees like they're ponies," he noted.

Applejack nodded. "They are, if you know how to listen to 'em. You were talkin' earlier about pets and plants? Takin' care of a pony ain't no different."

Spike smiled. "Well, I wanna learn how to do that too!" He approached the tree and pressed a palm against the bark. "So, what's up with you, Applejack?"

Applejack chuckled bitterly. "You want the short version, or…?"

Spike shrugged. "I got time."

Applejack released a puff of air from her mouth. "It just hit me now, man. The whole 'Big Macintosh gets all the ladies' deal? What if this thing he's doin' drives a wedge 'tween me and Fluttershy? I'd hate that."

"What can you do about it?" Spike asked.

"Just gonna do my part, and hope it goes well," Applejack said. "Somepony's gotta teach him how to commit. Can't commit to nothin'… that's why he sticks to the farm, I figure. Only commitment he knows how to deal with."

"How do you know that?" Spike asked curiously.

"Easy," Applejack said. She tapped a hoof against her chest. "Runs in the family." She hung her head. "I just don't wanna see this fall apart."

Spike walked up to her and wrapped his arms around her. "None of us do," he said sincerely.

Applejack smiled and hugged him back.


	4. Chapter 4

**Romance and the Fate of Equestria**

So, here's a question that the fanon often attempts to answer: what year is it? Most agree that the events of the first two episodes, that was the year 1000. But hang on a minute. If, as we assume, the years are measured by the rule of Celestia, what about the time when Celestia and Luna were ruling together? Surely it was at least couple of years before Luna started going crazy. Summer Sun Celebration started when Celestia started doing it solo, but the years had already started being numbered. So let's say it's the year 1000 plus however many years Celestia and Luna ruled together. Theoretically.

**Chapter Four**

Applejack was at Sugarcube Corner, assisting the Cakes with a big catering job. Several members of the group of friends lounged around in the front room.

Twilight had three books open in front of her, comparing notes on each of the three and jotting down her own notes in a notebook, and occasionally looking out the window at ponies passing by.

"Twilight, you're _way_ overthinking this," Rainbow said, flapping over to her. "Stallions are one-half of the population, they're not exactly hard to find. Just close the books"—she did so, forcefully—"and get out there, go someplace there are a lot of single ponies. It's that easy."

Twilight blinked in surprise at her suddenly closed books. "You mean like a club?"

"Yes!" Rainbow said triumphantly. "A nightclub! Now you're—"

"Actually, I was thinking more like a book club," Twilight said thoughtfully. "I could start my own book club and… and charge admission! Yeah! Anypony who would be willing to pay to indulge in _my_ interests, that's a pony I could have a lasting relationship with…"

"Okay, take it easy," Rainbow interrupted. "Overthinking again. Go where ponies already are, start with that. There's lots of places to get dates. Like a bar, or the market, or, if you happen to be a member of the Apple family, an Apple family reunion."

"Badum-tchh!" Pinkie Pie muttered, tapping out a rimshot on the counter.

Applejack chuckled darkly. "Heh heh… that's cute. Hey Rainbow Dash, come over here with that key lime pie for a minute."

Rainbow glanced at the counter. "This one?"

"That's right, bring it on over."

Rainbow gripped the edge of the pie tin in her teeth and started toward Applejack.

"Come a little closer?" Applejack said sweetly. "Perfect." She lifted her front hooves and smashed the pie into Rainbow's face.

"Objection noted," came Rainbow's muffled voice from behind the pie filling.

"Heh heh heh…"

"Er, Applejack," Mr. Cake said, "I hope you're prepared to pay for that pie…"

"You know what? It's on me," Rainbow said. "I know a good comeback when I see one. Totally worth it."

"So, Applejack," Mrs. Cake said as the farm pony came behind the counter, "how did things between Fluttershy and that charming brother of yours?"

"The hay if I know," Applejack said, shrugging. "Big Mac came home alone, early. I didn't get a word out of him."

"Ooh, that's no good," Rainbow said with concern, wiping the pie off of her face.

Fluttershy entered the shop with a mouthful of mail, and was quickly swarmed by her eager friends.

"What happened?" Rainbow said anxiously. "How was everything?"

"It was great!" Fluttershy said, setting her mail on a table. "Really great production values for a local play. Did I mention the Mayor was in it?"

"Yeah, just a couple million times," Rainbow said impatiently. "Come on, I meant you and Big Mac. How did you part ways?"

"Oh, you know… hoofshake."

"Ooh," Rainbow said again, wincing. "That bad, eh?"

"No, no, it went wonderfully!" Fluttershy insisted. "We both had a great time, and he really listens to me, _really_ interested in what I had to say…"

"Well then, come on!" Rainbow said. "Kiss him! Did I not get you lit enough?"

"No, no… lighting was sufficient," Fluttershy said delicately. "I just… I don't know. I'm still scared to death to try things I've never done before…"

"What, kiss? Sure you have."

"No… I haven't," Fluttershy said firmly, in a tone clearly begging Rainbow Dash not to press the point.

Rainbow pressed it anyway. "Cloudsdale High School, graduation party, class of '02," she announced. "There was making out, and you were involved."

"Doesn't count," Fluttershy said.

"Why the cumulonimbus not?"

"Well, come on, it was _you_," Fluttershy said, rolling her eyes. "Doesn't mean anything."

Spike began to take a sip of his milkshake, then seemed to realize exactly what Fluttershy had just said and spat it out. "What a minute, WHAT?"

"Oh," Rainbow Dash said coldly. "Didn't mean anything. I see." She turned her nose up in the air and began to strut away.

"Wait, so…" Spike muttered, "chicks actually _do_ that?"

"W-wait," Fluttershy stammered. "…_Did_ it mean something? Have I completely ruined your memories of it forever? I'm so sorry…"

"I thought that only happened in novels," Spike marveled.

Rainbow Dash turned around and batted Fluttershy on the nose playfully. "I'm screwing with you, Fluttershy. Of course it didn't mean anything. But couldn't you have used fond memories of that night and applied the knowledge to _last_ night?"

Twilight raised an eyebrow at Spike. "Since when do you read novels?"

"I've read plenty of novels," Spike retorted.

"It wasn't that time, Rainbow Dash," Fluttershy said.

"So when are you going to see him again?" Rainbow pressed.

"Um… it never came up."

"Really?" Twilight said to Spike. "Are you sure? Because I've given you a number of classics to read, and you've never touched a single one of them."

"I read _good_ novels," Spike clarified.

"Well, then, you MAKE it come up, Fluttershy," Rainbow grumbled, planting her face in a hoof.

"Can you please let me take this at my own pace?" Fluttershy squeaked. "This is scary enough as it is! Show some sensitivity. You're the one who got me into this. I'd have been perfectly content to keep these feelings suppressed and gnawing at me from the inside." With that note of finality, she began to look through her mail. "The student loan office? But I'm not prepared…"

"Oh, sure," Twilight said sarcastically. "Novels where young fillies make out with each other. Sounds real wholesome, Spike."

"It's high-quality entertainment," Spike insisted. "Just read the blurbs on the dust jacket. Blurbs by ponies I've actually heard of…"

"Wait," Fluttershy whispered, looking at the envelope at the bottom of her pile. "Is this a letter from Big Macintosh?"

Applejack perked up. "What?"

"It is," Fluttershy said with wonder. "It's—wow! He must have sent it yesterday morning, so it would arrive today… oh, that is so sweet! I am not gonna make him regret this!"

"Spike, I am so searching your possessions when we get home," Twilight warned.

"Fine, go ahead," Spike said dismissively. "I thought you'd be glad I'm reading. There's no pleasing you, is there?"

"STOP!" Pinkie shrieked. "STOP IT! ALL OF YOU, STOP IT!" She stepped out into the middle of the room. "I've got something to say here." She looked around, making sure she had the attention of all present. "You know what really bugs me? I'll tell you what really bugs me. When you pull a gun on somepony and you go, 'Dodge this!' and… and then they do. Highly anticlimactic and frankly, downright inconsiderate."

There was a heavy silence.

"May I be the first to say, WHAT?" Rainbow supplied.

"I'm sorry!" Pinkie wailed. "It was all I could think of to say! I don't know what's going on here, I can't follow two conversations at once! And Fluttershy, what was with that non-sequitur about the student loan office? That's just silly…"

"Yeah, Pinkie," Twilight said dryly, "we all know that silly non-sequiturs are completely foreign to you."

"Shush," Pinkie said. "Now, we're gonna hear from everypony one at a time here! Fluttershy, what's going on with you?"

"Big Macintosh sent me a letter," Fluttershy said happily. "Isn't that sweet?"

"What's it say?" Pinkie asked.

Fluttershy eagerly explained. "It says that even though he doesn't know what we did last night—because he wrote it yesterday morning—he wants to see me again today. Oh, but it doesn't matter what the letter says. Just that he went to the trouble—my mother always used to say nopony writes letters anymore." She lit up suddenly. "This is why we didn't make plans for next time! He wanted me to get _this_ first! And… oh, actions really _do_ speak louder than words…"

"They do?" Pinkie said, as if this was genuine news to her. "Wow, in that case, Big Macintosh is friggin' LOUD! Somepony shut him up! Rainbow Dash, what do you think of all this?"

"Well, I was concerned…" Rainbow said slowly, "that Fluttershy could've done better on her date. But, well, the letter is a sweet gesture. Maybe we can pick this thing up, and it'll stick."

"Good, good," Pinkie said, nodding. "Applejack?"

Applejack shrugged. "I got nothin'."

"Okay, other conversation," Pinkie said. "Twilight? What's eating you?"

"I think Spike is enjoying entertainment that's not really age-appropriate," Twilight announced.

"Spike? Your thoughts?"

"My thoughts?" Spike said. "I'd say Twilight's gotta mellow out a bit. She's the kind of pony who thinks 'adult situations' should mean paying taxes and getting kidney stones. She ought to loosen up and have some fun!"

Twilight exhaled sharply through her nose. "I… okay, Spike. Maybe we can discuss this in more civil tones, sometime later. Sorry I snapped at you. I've been doing that a lot lately, huh?"

"Nah, you've been great," Spike said. "You've just been starting a difficult new project. Of course you're on edge."

"Thanks," Twilight said, beaming. "Thanks for understanding that, and—"

"And hopefully," Spike interrupted, "this project will turn your life into one of the books I've been reading. Now if you'll excuse me, I have to relocate my stash." He bobbed out of the shop.

"What, and WHAT?" Twilight demanded, running after him.

"Am I a mediator or what?" Pinkie said smugly.

"Eh, no," Rainbow replied.

"Okay," Pinkie submitted.

"I liked it!" Mr. Cake piped in.


	5. Chapter 5

**Romance and the Fate of Equestria**

So, _Romance and the Fate of Equestria_. That's the title of the story, and those are definitely two main themes I'm going for here. But it's not the only thing of relevance that's going to happen, I should think. Not everything falls into just those categories… after all, I've been known for fics that don't have a plot so much as they are a series of events. And I see no reason to change my ways, least of all with a "slice of life" series such as this.

**Chapter Five**

_RING!_

"Okay, my little ponies," Cheerilee said through a smile that was a bit forced, unusually for her. "Class is out for the day… I'd like to thank Powder Keg and Short Fuse for that very spirited session of the debate team…"

Apple Bloom, Sweetie Belle, and Scootaloo trudged down the stairs of the schoolhouse, covered in ashes.

"Ugh, my mouth was open and everything," Scootaloo complained. "I'll be picking splinters out of my cheeks for months…"

Twist and Truffle Shuffle bobbed happily after the trio. "Hi, girlth!" Twist said cheerfully. "Doing thome cruthading?"

Apple Bloom winced. "Ugh, not today, Twist. We spent the weekend running mini-triathlons, and we're plumb tuckered out."

Twist tilted her head. "Mini-what?"

"A mini-triathlon," Apple Bloom said. "A hundred feet of swimming, a mile of biking, a thousand feet of running." Seeing that Twist still looked confused, Apple Bloom protested, "Well, I'd like to see _you_ do a real triathlon!"

"One for the history books," came the lilting sneer of Diamond Tiara. "At least you've proved something: that there's no cutie mark that represents _sucking_."

Apple Bloom snorted. "Is that all? Not cool, Diamond Tiara. This is no time for your B-grade material. We expect _real_ zingers from you."

"Please, you know my good stuff would send you home crying," Diamond Tiara sneered, shoving past them.

Silver Spoon came level with the Crusaders and their friends. "I've just about had enough of her," she whispered confidentially.

"Really?" Sweetie Belle said, surprised. "Then why do you still hang out with her?"

"She's my best friend, isn't she?" Silver Spoon retorted. "But I swear, if she goes, like, _completely_ all queen bee on me, gets her own chariot or a nose job or whatever, I am _so_ out. Will you guys be my backup friends?"

"Huh?" Apple Bloom said, alarmed.

"You know, for when I get sick of Tiara."

"Yeah, we'll get right on that," Apple Bloom said snidely.

"Hmph!" Silver Spoon said. "Fine, be bitchy."

"Come ON, Silver Spoon!" Diamond Tiara shrieked from up ahead.

"On my way," Silver Spoon growled, trotting ahead.

Truffle Shuffle stepped in front of the Crusaders and unloaded his saddlebag. "You ladies need some cheering up!" he said. "Anypony want a slice of wedding cake?"

He whipped something out of the saddlebag, a huge slice of cake, with a second, smaller slice mounted atop it, and a third, and a fourth…

"Whoa…" the Crusaders said in unison, gaping up at it.

Twist giggled. "I can make a tathtier treat than that."

"Is that so?" Truffle Shuffle said. "Well, then, let's go to Sugarcube Corner—I bet they let us use the kitchen again."

-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-

Sweetie Belle left the other Crusaders at the table, crossing over to the counter to get some muffins.

"Be just a minute, dear," Mrs. Cake told Sweetie Belle, departing for the kitchen.

Spike spotted his opportunity. He hopped up onto a stool next to her.

"Hi, Sweetie Belle," he said.

"Oh… hi, Spike," she said, surprised.

Spike grinned, brushing back the spikes on his head. "So… you come around here often?"

She blinked, surprised. "Um… you know I do, Spike."

"Mm-hmm," he said, bobbing his head. "Well, uh, I picked the music, you know." He nodded to the record player. "It's Przewalski. You know, the new alternative band that came out of Canterlot?"

"Yeah, my mom got me that record."

"Oh," Spike said, disappointed. "So you've already heard the whole thing… Still, it's good."

"Yeah, good music," Sweetie Belle agreed. "So, Spike… what are you up to?"

"Been reading."

"Yeah?"

"Totally."

Sweetie Belle waited for him to elaborate, but he didn't. "Reading what?" she pressed.

"Oh, you know… stuff. And… junk. What's up with you?"

"I'm in the school play," Sweetie Belle said proudly.

"Ooh, is it a musical?" Spike said eagerly.

"Uh, yeah, but I'm not singing," Sweetie Belle mumbled. "You know how I am with crowds…"

"That's crazy," Spike said. "Is my face too close for you?"

Sweetie Belle turned her head, and was surprised to see Spike's nose pressed right up against hers.

"Erm… yeah?" she said nervously.

"Cool," he said, not shifting his position at all, but wagging his eyebrows to the beat.

Mrs. Cake placed a tray of muffins on the counter, and Sweetie Belle tore her eyes away from Spike's. "I'm gonna go," she said.

"Okay," Spike gushed.

Sweetie Belle grabbed a few muffins and began the walk back to her table. She turned to see Spike, still staring after her with a goofy grin.

"That certainly is odd," she muttered to herself.

At the table, Scootaloo sidled up to Apple Bloom. "So," she said. "What are we doing this week?"

"I dunno," Apple Bloom said absently. "Waiting, I guess."

"Waiting?"

"Y'know, maybe everypony's right," Apple Bloom said sadly. "Maybe we can't force the whole cutie mark deal on ourselves."

"But Apple Bloom, we've been working so hard with no results!" Scootaloo said in disbelief. "How is _not_ working for it gonna improve the odds? That's just bad logic!"

Apple Bloom shook her head. "Maybe by all this _trying_ for cutie marks, we're just tempting fate into holdin' out on us. We're defyin' nature by not waiting. I'm just so… _tired_." She pressed her forehead against the table. "I'm ready to just start waiting, like a pony's s'posed to."

"But… but… you can't!" Scootaloo gasped. "You can't just give up! How else are you going to know what you were put on this world for?"

Apple Bloom raised an eyebrow. "This is about how you still can't fly, isn't it?"

"It's connected," Scootaloo snarled. "When I get my cutie mark, I'll start zipping around like the dickens, not a minute earlier or later, I can _feel_ it."

"Well, good luck to ya, then," Apple Bloom said. "But I'm done." She pushed away the table and dropped to the ground. "I'm out of the Crusaders."

"What, again?"

"But Apple Bloom…" Sweetie Belle began.

"You two should quit too," Apple Bloom interrupted. "Let's just live our lives. Aren't you tired of all pain, no gain? I'm for real this time—I've had enough of cutie marks. I'll see you gals at school tomorrow."

Apple Bloom tromped gloomily out of Sugarcube Corner.

"Easy for her to say," Scootaloo said, annoyed. "She knows she's gonna work the apple orchards, am I right? Basically, it's guaranteed! Me… I don't know what my destiny is. I don't even know what I'm gonna do _now_."

"It's okay, Scootaloo," Sweetie Belle said. "She's still our friend… she'll come back. Unless this 'waiting' thing actually gets her her cutie mark."

Scootaloo chuckled. "Yeah… that would be pretty silly."


	6. Chapter 6

**Romance and the Fate of Equestria**

So, in the first line of this chapter I throw out an unusual characterization trait for DJ P0n-3… I've looked back on her first cameo and realized, nope, it's not at all contradictory with that. Really great idea; I'm glad it's taken me so long to get back on here, because I've had a lot of good ideas I wouldn't have had otherwise.

**Chapter Six**

DJ P0n-3 waited for her cue, for the now-familiar song to end. "And we're back!" she said in her lilting, exaggerated Cockney accent. "That, in case you haven't been anywhere near a radio in the past month, was a piece called 'By the Blades of Her Eyes', the surprise hit that's determined to beat down the city of Canterlot and take it by siege. And speaking of Canterlot, my guest this morning is a member of the Canterlot Royal Orchestra, but also a fine solo artist on her own—please welcome, Ponyville native and my close personal friend, Octavia. Hello, Octavia."

"Hello, Vinyl," the elegant and aloof mare said, nodding and straightening her bow tie. "Good to be back at my first home."

"Eh, yeah," the DJ said, peering over her shades at Octavia, "don't call me Vinyl, mate. The name's DJ P0n-3."

Octavia blinked. "I'm not calling you that. I'm classy."

"Oh, is that so?" the DJ said with a smirk. "Pretentious, are we? Well, here's a pretentious piece of trivia for our listeners: you, Octavia, are just shy of releasing your… I believe, fourth studio album?"

"That's correct."

"Fascinating," the DJ said dismissively. "And how does it differ from your first three albums? Not at all? Okay, on to today's musical selection…"

"Wait a minute, wait a minute," Octavia said, leaning in closer to the microphone. "Don't dismiss me like that, Ponzi, you wanted to talk, let's talk."

"That's P0n-3, and fine. Tell us about your material, or whatever. If you must."

Octavia chuckled. "Well, it's mostly classical pieces, performed by myself. There's also the occasional delightful collaboration, which I think fans will enjoy, with some very multitalented artists I was privileged to work with…"

Above the recording booth, Twilight and Pinkie watched the session from an observation deck on the second floor.

"Um, Pinkie?" Twilight said. "This is fascinating and everything, but tell me again why we're here?"

"Shh-shh-shh," Pinkie hissed gleefully. "They're sure to let it slip eventually. Just wait for it!"

"For how much longer?" Twilight asked. "I have a date."

"Oh, you do?" Pinkie said gleefully. "Cool! Okay, don't worry, this shouldn't take long…"

"Octavia, how do you respond to ponies who say there's no more market for classical music?"

"Well, that's just silly," Octavia said simply. "Classical music, by definition, can never die. The melodies and instrumentation of classical songs are what fuel every piece of music that exists today, from the birth of the blues and rock n' roll, all the way to modern alt-rock like the band you just played, Przewalski, it all owes itself to the appeal inherent in classical music."

DJ P0n-3 looked around nervously. "Erm… you can't say the 'P-R-Z' word on the radio, Inkie Pie."

Octavia paused for a moment. "Oh. Um… really?"

"Yeah, according to my censors, it's an archaic sort of curse, but it's still a curse."

"Oh," Octavia said again. "Bold of them to use it as a band name."

"Wasn't it, though?"

Twilight turned to Pinkie, surprised. "Inkie Pie? Your sister is _Octavia?_"

Pinkie grinned broadly and bounced up and down. "You betcha!"

"That's amazing!" Twilight laughed. "I can't believe I didn't know that. She's good… I mean, really good! You have so many records, Pinkie, why haven't I ever heard you play hers?"

Pinkie shrugged, embarrassed. "Slow songs. Not my kind of party. But don't tell Inkie that! I'm the supportive one in the family! The one who appreciates her!"

"Gotcha," Twilight said, nodding.

"You're killing me, Octavia," DJ P0n-3 was saying in exasperation. "Could you stop swearing?"

"We're, um, tape-delayed, right?" Octavia asked, beginning to look somewhat nervous.

"No, we are live."

"Damn!"

"Octavia!" DJ P0n-3 gasped. "You're gonna get my show cancelled, miss 'fancy-talk'. This is outrageous. A regular Ponyville scandal!"

"Well, erm, maybe everypony will be occupied by the scandal that we've said each other's names?" Octavia suggested with a toothy grin.

"It's our only hope," the DJ said earnestly. "You heard it here first, my little ponies. DJ P0n-3 and Octavia are, in fact, Vinyl Scratch and Inkie Pie. Isn't that crazy?"

"It's crazy," Octavia said, straining to sound cheerful.

Both of them chuckled awkwardly, trying to fill the silence.

"Anyway…" DJ P0n-3 muttered, "erm, let's go back to today's musical selection. The next number is my own production, sampled from an original piece by Octavia here, _totally_ without her permission. If she doesn't sue me to death right now, you might see this next song on _my_ second album. Listeners, tune in this time tomorrow to hear mine and Octavia's conversation continue. Octavia, good to have you here."

"Nice to see you again, Vinyl," Octavia said cordially. "I'll be back tomorrow."

The music was fired up; Octavia and DJ P0n-3 hugged before Octavia left the recording booth and proceeded through the hallway.

"INKIE PIE!" Pinkie shrieked, hurtling toward her sister at an impossible speed and knocking her to the ground.

"Hello, Pinkamena," Octavia laughed, getting to her hooves. "It's been a while."

"Oh, too long, sis, too long!" Pinkie said, dancing on the spot. "You know what this calls for?"

"A party?" Octavia suggested dryly.

"A PA—ooooh! Our reputations precede us! Here, Inkie, you talk to Twilight while I get the party ready!" She zipped out the door of Ponyville's radio station.

"Aah, it really _has_ been too long," Octavia said fondly. "Hello, Twilight Sparkle."

Twilight straightened in surprise. "Um, hi! I didn't… do you know me?"

Octavia shrugged. "We've crossed paths. You used to live at the castle, yes? And I play the castle regularly. I don't think we've ever been formally introduced, though. It's nice to finally meet you."

"You too," Twilight said. "I, um… wow, you're so elegant and professional, I'm, uh… anyway! I have all three of your studio albums! But, you know, who the hay doesn't…"

"Oh, you're too kind," Octavia said. "Do be honest, Twilight: nopony ever became famous playing the cello."

"Well, if anypony did, you're that pony," Twilight pointed out. "Oh my goodness, are you walking with me? That's so amazing—ooh, you know, I have _so_ many questions about what Pinkie Pie was like when you were young…"

"Oh?" Octavia said, smirking. "If you know her well, I imagine you have more questions about what she's like _now_…"

"No, I pretty much run with her," Twilight said. "But where to begin…? Well, for starters, what exactly is the purpose of a rock farm?"

"A what now?" Octavia said, confused.

"A rock farm. Pinkie says you grew up on a rock farm."

Octavia laughed and rolled her eyes. "Pinkie's prone to exaggeration, as I'm sure I don't need to tell you. It was a sweet potato farm. We grew sweet potatoes."

"Ah," Twilight said, embarrassed. "That makes a lot more sense."

"Pinkie was miserable on that farm," Octavia said introspectively. "You wouldn't believe how quickly she fled to Ponyville proper, as soon as she was able. I wasn't so fond of the place either—it was all the way to Canterlot for me, as you know. Blinkie Pie is still on the farm… I think she'll be taking it over from Mom and Dad."

"Mm-hmm," Twilight said thoughtfully. "So, put that together, and I guess that makes Blinkie Pie… the crazy one."

Octavia snorted and broke out laughing. "Oh, that's good! Very clever, Twilight Sparkle. That's funny. So, I hear you're a magical researcher. The magic of friendship, if I'm not mistaken. What are you working on now?"

Twilight cleared her throat and lifted her head proudly, always grateful for a chance to discuss her research. "Well, I'm taking a small deviation from my friendship studies to examine the effects of romantic love."

"Oh? That's interesting. And how's that progressing?"

"It was going poorly at first," Twilight admitted. "But I do have a date for lunch today, so that's progress! I think it'll look up."

"Well, best of luck to you," Octavia said, pushing out the studio doors and into the streets of Ponyville. "Ah, I know I left, but I do love Ponyville. A far cry from the hustle and bustle that is Canterlot… a chance to relax, to lay low for a while."

"HEY, EVERYPONY!" came Pinkie's voice from somewhere. "MY ULTRA-FAMOUS SISTER OCTAVIA IS HERE! AUTOGRAPHS ALL AROUND!"

"Oh, Przewalski," Octavia cursed.


	7. Chapter 7

**Romance and the Fate of Equestria**

**Chapter Seven**

Twilight set off on her date, feeling hopeful as she took her place in the outdoor café.

Two hours of his rambling later, she didn't feel quite as optimistic about her project.

"And like I was sayin', I'm pretty sure I'm sterile," he said. "'Cause, you know, mule."

"Uh-huh."

"And if I wasn't born that way, twenty years of working at the Ponyville Hydromagical Nuke-ular Power Plant hasn't helped…"

"Nuclear," Twilight corrected irritably.

The mule raised an eyebrow. "Oh, _now_ you say somethin' meaningful."

"Half the population of Ponyville mispronounces it," Twilight said, shrugging. "'Nuke-ular'. I mean, how do you make that mistake? It drives me crazy."

"And that's what turns you off? Not that I've already said I'm sterile?"

Twilight shrugged. "Hey, I'm just trying to be open-minded about all of this."

"Open-minded? Well, hey, we've been here for a couple of hours now… If you're open-minded, what do you say we hop a train to Las Pegasus and push this bitch into Act Two?"

Twilight grimaced. "Eh. I'm not _that_ open-minded." She looked around, trying to find something, anything, to get her out of there. Finding nothing, she said, "I think I should go."

"Will I see you again?" the mule said hopefully.

"Well, Ponyville's a small town and you have a tendency to turn up whenever somepony makes a mule joke, so probably," Twilight said cheerfully.

"That ain't what I meant…" the mule grumbled.

"I know, I'm just trying to avoid—"

A cruel and raspy laugh rang out just behind Twilight's head. "Romantic date with a mule, huh? You must be some special kind of dork."

"Do you mind?" the mule snapped at the source of the voice.

Twilight turned around, and got a face-full of white feathers on a haughty face.

"Gilda?" she said, surprised.

"Ah, so you've heard of me," Gilda said smugly.

Rainbow Dash darted over, pulling Gilda back. "Sorry, Twilight! Sorry… she's with me. Gilda," she said angrily, glaring at the griffon, "if you want me to listen to this pitch, insulting my friends is _not_ the best way to open, dude."

"Okay, okay, jeez," Gilda muttered, shooting a brief "sorry" at Twilight before strutting over to another table.

"Hmm," Rainbow Dash said, surprised. "She actually apologized. This must be really important to her."

"That 'apology' made me wanna throw up," Twilight retorted.

"Still. The Gilda I know was never sorry for zip."

"What is going _on_, Rainbow?" Twilight demanded.

"Gilda has, apparently, invented something," Rainbow said. "She wants money to set up a business. I agreed to meet with her and hear her out, for old time's sake."

"That sounds… awfully suspicious," Twilight commented.

"Oh, I know. But don't worry about me; Big Daddy Rainbow didn't raise no suckers. Manglers of the Equestrian language, yes, but no suckers."

"Hey, Bangs," Gilda called. "You may want to listen to this too. I'm trying to round up as many investors as I can, and any friend of Dash's, well, it's worth a shot."

"You know, I would," Twilight lied delicately, "but I have a date to attend to."

The mule scowled at her. "What's my name?"

Twilight blinked. "Sure thing, Gilda. Be right there. Catch you later, um… uh, dude."

Rainbow and Twilight gathered around the table.

"Okay, here's the dealio," Gilda said, drumming her talons on the table. "I've got this creation, okay, which will make nonstop rocking possible for us if we start selling it."

"What is it?" Twilight asked.

"We'll get there," Gilda said simply. "What I want to know, Dash, is will you bite?"

"I'm here," Dash said simply. "Aren't I? I've already bitten. But why are you coming to _me_ with this?"

"Hey, look, I know we parted on bad terms," Gilda said gently. "But, come on… we're blood sisters. Don't you remember?"

"Sure I do," Rainbow said. "We caught all kinds of diseases from each other."

"Yikes," Twilight commented.

"I'm saying—a self-respecting griff doesn't do that with any old food-creature. But you, you qualified for the honor."

"A… a 'food-creature'," Twilight grumbled. "Charming."

"That's what we call things with hooves, okay?" Gilda said, throwing up her talons defensively. "Anyway, Dash, I figured I owed it to you to help you get in on the 'next big thing' that I've got going on here. It's the least I could do."

"That, and I'm the only pony in this country you actually know," Rainbow said slyly.

"There's that. And I understand your bank account possesses moderate radicalness."

"Mm—yeah."

"So…" Gilda said, scribbling down a figure and passing it covertly to Rainbow Dash. "This is the amount that I have available to put into the biz. I want you to pitch in the same amount—you and me, equal partners. Is that doable?"

Rainbow Dash snuck a look at the piece of parchment. "I don't know, G. What are you selling?"

"You really wanna know?" Gilda said. "All right. Check this out."

Gilda plopped a saddlebag onto the table and pulled out a tangle of golden thread.

"I call it… Golden Thread," she said dramatically, dropping it onto the table.

"…Really?" Twilight said, unimpressed.

Gilda separated one of the threads, and began slipping it between her fingers. "I wrap little bits around my talons, and it makes me faster… stronger, too."

The one hand went through a series of implausibly quick and nimble contortions.

"Whoa," Rainbow Dash said, surprised.

Gilda snapped out the thread to full length once again. "Wear some as horseshoes, you'll be quick as the wind and silent as death, baby. Dash, line 'em up with your wing feathers, not only will you fly faster than you ever thought you could in your life, but you're never breaking a wing again."

"Mm-hmm," Twilight said suspiciously.

"Oh, there's something in it for your type too," Gilda said, eyeing Twilight. "Wrap it around your corn—"

"Horn," Twilight said, offended.

"Totally," Gilda said, wrapping the piece of thread around the base of Twilight's horn. "Anyway, you wear it like so, I've been able to prove that all the magic you use will be amped up. But you gotta pay for it first," she added hastily, tugging the thread away. "Me, personally? I wear a huge, thick rope of the stuff, harnessed to my spine." She stood on her hind legs and turned around, revealing the wrapping around her midsection that kept the braid of thread going down her back. "I'm damn near indestructible," she whispered.

"No kidding?" Rainbow said, almost as quietly.

"You… you invented this?" Twilight challenged.

"Naturally," Gilda said promptly.

"And you can produce more of it at low cost?"

"Dude, don't even worry about it. I've got it covered."

Twilight glared suspiciously.

"Our first objective, if and when we start making sales," Gilda went on, "is to get it banned at sporting events. That right there, that's publicity. And any publicity is good publicity. After that, our sales will go up and then, THEN, the military will ask us for a huge shipment. After that, baby, us and all our stockholders will be livin' large."

"I'm in," Twilight said.

"And that's not even mentioning how you can customize it," Gilda rambled on. "You can repurpose it to help you see in the dark, or keep you warm, or… wait, seriously?"

"Yeah, you've sold me," Twilight said. "It's a good product, and I'd like to invest. How much do you want me to throw in?"

"Um… I don't know," Gilda admitted. "I don't really _get_ stocks and bonds or whatever the hay you call 'em. How about we discuss it later? Whip out a few official contracts, probably make our negotiations on armchairs in front of a roaring fire, with some cigars and scotch. 'Cause we're entrepreneurs now, and that's the entrepreneur toolkit."

Gilda packed up the thread and rubbed her talons together. "I'm gonna hit up Ponyville, nab us a good piece of property. Dash, don't wuss out on me. The geek's in, can I count on you being in too?"

"Sure, G, you bet," Rainbow said. "I'm for it."

Gilda winked and flew away.

"You really gonna do this, Twilight?" Rainbow said curiously.

"I know a good investment when I see one," Twilight said. "Plus, I'd like to keep an eye on her… Her _and_ the product. It's some powerful stuff, it could be… dangerous."

"So we're staying close to the source," Rainbow said thoughtfully. "I like it!"

"I like it too," Twilight said. "I for one hope it all turns out to be legitimate."


	8. Chapter 8

**Romance and the Fate of Equestria**

Now's as good a time as any to mention that, since I began this story at the end of season 2, I will be ignoring everything that happens in season 3. Simply because I've already built up most of the story arc. It's a pretty flexible universe, so I don't think I'll run into too many problems.

**Chapter Eight**

It was a Saturday afternoon at Sugarcube Corner. Pinkie was behind the counter, Fluttershy and Big Macintosh shared a table and gazed at each other lovingly, and Gilda and Rainbow Dash pored over a series of plans for the first Golden Thread store.

Apple Bloom walked by and examined the doting couple. "Hey!" she barked.

Fluttershy and Big Mac tore their eyes away from each other and smiled at Apple Bloom expectantly. Apple Bloom's eyes darted from one to the other, until she was satisfied she had their full attention. "Just checkin'," she muttered.

"So, we gotta be careful," Gilda was saying. "With what we're selling, somepony might think our stuff is just for big butch guys. Check out this design schematic: divided down the middle, big muscles on one side, pretty and practical on the other."

"Hmm, okay," Dash pondered. "Um, be careful with the font on that sign, though. Too femmy. We need a more gender-neutral font."

"What? That's totally neutral!" Gilda protested. "You're seriously looking at that and suggesting it won't bring in girls _and_ guys?"

"Um… yeah," Rainbow said. "Did we not go to the same flight camp? I _know_ how to attract ponies from both… you know. Camps. Of flight."

"Ah, right, Dash, we all know how depraved you were," Gilda said, smirking.

"Since when do you use words like 'depraved'? It's like all of a sudden you're smart or something."

Gilda chuckled and shrugged. "Come on, I'm not _that_ smart. I haven't applied Golden Thread to my brain yet, and I'm kind of scared to try."

"Yeah, probably not a good idea."

Pinkie Pie brought drinks to Fluttershy and Big Mac. "Here's your usual, guys," she said. "You know, you two've been in here almost all day, every day this week."

"Uh-huh," Fluttershy said absently.

"Eeyup."

"Well, um," Pinkie said, "I don't want to dampen anypony's spirits, 'cause I love you guys, but didn't you two used to have jobs or something?"

"We still have jobs," Fluttershy said, not looking away from Mac. "We've just been starting late, and cutting out early, and taking extra-long lunch breaks this week." She was silent for a moment. "We should go to work."

"Eeyup," Big Macintosh agreed. They both backed away from the table.

"Let's see, I haven't cleaned the vegetables recently," Fluttershy said to herself. "And we—oh." Fluttershy halted, surprised, at the goat who had appeared suddenly to block her path. "Um, hello."

The goat offered Fluttershy a sealed envelope, which she took. She watched him for a moment, awaiting an explanation, but he quickly darted out the door.

"Well, that was odd," Fluttershy said.

"What is it?" Big Macintosh asked.

"Well, let me see," Fluttershy said, opening it. "Ooh… tickets to an Iron Will seminar in Canterlot?"

"Iron Will?" Gilda said, perking up. "I love that guy."

"That would explain it," Fluttershy said absently.

"What's that supposed to mean?" Gilda demanded of Rainbow Dash.

"Let it go," Dash advised.

"There's a letter for me," Fluttershy said. She read it aloud: "_To Fluttershy: The mighty Iron Will requests your presence at his upcoming seminar in Canterlot. You and a friend will get the rare opportunity to attend this lecture for free. Afterwards, Iron Will himself would like to see you, Fluttershy, backstage—there are urgent matters that you and Iron Will must discuss. Signed, Iron Will._"

Pinkie Pie snorted with laughter.

"Hmm," Fluttershy said, frowning. "I don't get it."

"Well, it's funny 'cause the whole letter talks about Iron Will in the third person, and then it's signed _Iron Will_," Pinkie said helpfully.

"No, I got _that_," Fluttershy said. "What urgent matters would Iron Will want to discuss with me?"

"I guess you made an impression on him!" Pinkie said brightly. "You stood up to him. We can all respect that, you know. Dude's scary."

"I guess we'll have to wait and see," Fluttershy said, shrugging. "Next week? Yeah, I can do that, hop a train, and then… hmm. Who should I take? Big Mac, you wanna come to Canterlot with me?"

"Can't," Big Mac said apologetically. "Harvest time."

"Oh," Fluttershy said sadly. "That's… that's too bad. Well… I'll find somepony else to go with, then. Walk you out?"

Big Mac nodded and smiled, and they began to stroll out. At the doors, they crossed paths with Rarity and Twilight.

"Oh, Twilight!" Fluttershy said excitedly. "Look, I got free tickets to an Iron Will seminar in Canterlot… for some reason. You wanted to present your findings to the princess in person, right? This could be the excuse you needed!"

"Sounds perfect," Twilight said, pleasantly surprised. "Okay, let's do it. Hi, Big Mac."

He nodded to them, and departed with Fluttershy. Rarity gazed after him sadly.

"Put this on your record, Twilight: never have a meaningless fling," Rarity said. "You may think that having no stake in it means no heartbreak, but it's hard to live with yourself. I can never forget it, because Big Macintosh hasn't said two words to me since that night…"

Twilight blinked. "Rarity, Big Macintosh never says two words to anypony."

"I'm just saying."

"Right, right. No meaningless flings: got it." As she sat down at her table, she scratched her chin thoughtfully with a hoof. "It's funny; I've been getting constant anecdotal advice since I started this subject. It never happened when I was just studying friendship."

"Hmm, well, that makes sense," Rarity said. "Friendship is easy, usually, when you get right down to it. Love is a constant uphill struggle. Constant."

Twilight looked at her friend sympathetically. "I think you're a bit jaded, Rarity. I don't think giving up is the appropriate response."

"I disagree," Rarity said. "Since I stopped concerning myself with my unrealistic and shallow notions of fairytale love, I have never been happier."

"Mm-hmm," Twilight said suspiciously.

"Not that I'm putting down your pursuits! It looks good on you, darling."

"Thanks."

"But do you have any idea," Rarity said, abruptly pounding the table with a hoof, "of the leaps and bounds I could make in my career if I maintain this newfound level of focus?"

"Rarity…"

"_What?_" she demanded.

"If you must lie to yourself, go ahead, I can't stop you," Twilight said seriously. "But don't lie to me."

Rarity breathed in heavily, then sighed. "Very well… do you believe in tempting fate?"

Twilight shrugged. "I've learned to believe in stranger things. Why?"

"I spoke to Fancypants at your brother's wedding," Rarity explained. "He showed me some of his inside connections. Just… a lot of those Canterlot fashion designers are just plain better than me."

"A lot of them are worse than you, too," Twilight countered.

"But what I realized is that… as some other ponies might say, I have a really good thing going," Rarity said. "Do I really need more? More connections, more success, more fellows who want to 'do' me? I have enough of all that. Why aim for the stars when I can be perfectly content where I am?"

"If you don't aim for the stars, you'll never, ever catch one," Twilight said solemnly.

"And if I do," Rarity said bitterly, "I might snag on something and bring the whole sky crashing down on top of me."

Twilight blinked. Were they still on the same drawn-out metaphor? "…I've lost sight of what we're talking about," she confessed.

"Tempting fate," Rarity said simply. "If I ask for something beyond what I deserve… like true love… then I might lose everything. Maybe it's just superstitious of me, but it's a good enough rationale for… for…"

"Fear of failure and disappointment?" Twilight guessed.

"Besides," Rarity said, forcing a smile, "I'm going back to basics. For somepony who's allegedly the earthly vessel for the spirit of generosity, I—as, again, others might say—kind of suck at it. I should try spreading it around a bit."

Twilight smiled back. "Well, that's _always_ a worthy pursuit."


	9. Chapter 9

**Romance and the Fate of Equestria**

So, a few days ago, I'm in a bit of an argument with my mother. Pretty standard stuff. And then she declares out of the blue, "If you're dating a girl and she finds out you write _My Little Pony_ fanfiction, she's going to break up with you!"

Boy, that hurt. I assume it was just in the heat of the moment. I don't think it's true, anyway. You know how the old adage goes: in elementary school, everyone's all "POKÉMON!", then in high school they go, "What? You're still into that?" and then in college they're right back to going "POKÉMON!" Am I right? I always assumed my mom was too "in touch" to think things like that, but again, it's probably just something she said in the moment. Just thought I'd share that, because it's an amusing sort of anecdote.

**Chapter Nine**

The school play was on, and in the basement dressing rooms was a hustle and bustle of young foal activity.

"Featherweight?" Diamond Tiara snarled. "Featherweight, where the hay are you? You're ON, idiot! They're ad-libbing something about your character being late and they're ad-libbing it VERY, VERY BADLY. They same way they do _everything_ in this play!"

Frightened, Featherweight skittered up the stairs and made his way to the stage.

Sweetie Belle peeked out of the dressing room she was sharing with Apple Bloom and Scootaloo, all of them a bit too frightened to come out and face Diamond Tiara.

"I hate to agree with Tiara, but this production has been a disaster," Sweetie Belle confided. "Backstage goofing off, nopony knowing their lines, it's so irresponsible and adolescent!"

"Too true," Scootaloo said.

"Well, Sweetie Belle, to be fair?" Apple Bloom said. "We, the cast and crew, we kind of _are_ adolescents."

"That's a good point," Scootaloo admitted.

Apple Bloom raised an eyebrow at Scootaloo. "You don't know what we're talkin' about, do you?"

"If you guys would quit throwing around words I don't know…" Scootaloo grumbled.

"Got an issue with the production values, Belle?" Apple Bloom said.

"The sets and props are fine," Sweetie Belle said. "I'm not saying I could do any better, I probably couldn't. But I could get better stage performances out of my breakfast cereal!"

"Oh?"

"The crowd songs are the worst," Sweetie Belle continued. "It's like there's nopony onstage, sometimes! I know what they're thinking, they're thinking, 'The whole crowd is singing, no one will notice if I don't!' Problem is, _every single pony onstage_ is thinking that!"

"Yup, the same every year, isn't it?" Apple Bloom said flippantly.

"And whose idea was it to cast Featherweight in the _lead role_? Even when you're standing right next to him, you can't hear a word he says. What made them think he could be heard by an audience?" Sweetie Belle peeked out the door, glaring in all directions. "And Diamond Tiara—rrgh!—she should stick to running the printing press, because she can't direct her way out of a paper bag!"

Sweetie Belle realized that Silver Spoon was watching her. "You heard me," Sweetie Belle said, slamming the dressing room door.

"Sweetie Belle," Apple Bloom said gently, "if this is such a big deal to you, put your money where your mouth is."

"Yeah," Scootaloo agreed. "Next season, ask Miss Cheerilee to put _you_ in charge of the play."

Sweetie Belle flinched. "I… come on, you know I was just venting. I can't be the center of attention. I don't even like being looked at by the two of you."

Somepony pounded on the door. "Gravediggers, you're up!" Diamond Tiara barked. "Try not to suck as much as the previous scene!"

Apple Bloom and Scootaloo took up their shovels. "Later, Sweetie Belle," Apple Bloom said. "See you in the _one scene_ that you're an extra in."

"So much potential, WASTED!" Scootaloo declared dramatically.

"Ooh, chew that scenery, Scoots!"

"Did somepony order a LARGE HAM?"

The two of them laughed as they made their way upstairs. Sweetie Belle walked out into the halls and started pacing. "Me, in charge," she pondered. "I do love the stage. I know the stage up and down. 'Starring and directed by Sweetie Belle'… I like that. I could do it. I _should_ do it! The integrity of the school's theater program is in jeopardy!"

"Testify!" Spike said.

Sweetie Belle shrieked in surprise. "Spike? How long have you been standing there?"

Spike shrugged as he leaned casually against a wall. "You haven't been onstage this whole time, so I wanted to see if you were back here. I assume you're going to swoop in at the very end and save everypony?"

"I'm just a backgrounder, sorry," Sweetie Belle admitted. "But the next play… yeah. For the next play, I'm gonna see if I can do something bigger. I'm gonna be the biggest diva Ponyville's ever seen!"

"Sweet!" Spike said. "Let's celebrate your big decision!"

"Celebrate?" Sweetie Belle repeated, looking around. "But it's just the two of us here."

"Yes!" Spike said. "Exactly! Just the two of us! You… and me. Wanna make out?"

Sweetie Belle had to do a double-take. "Um… you know, Spike, I should really be preparing for my cue." She rushed off as fast as she could.

Spike slapped himself in the head. "Stupid! Don't _ask_ her if she wants to, just jump in and start making out! That's what the cool guys in the books do!" He whipped out a book and thumbed through it. "Right, he just lunges in and… oh. Oh. Oh, wow. Nope, don't want to be _that_ guy, that's not cool. Anyway!" He closed the book. "Contact was made. Score one for Spikey-wikey."


	10. Chapter 10

**Romance and the Fate of Equestria**

I know I'm late on this, but I've finally discovered the official map of Equestria. Which is awesome. Funny thing, though. For some reason, I had always been under the impression that the "Canterlot/Ponyville/Everfree Forest" area was to Equestria's far east, not at its dead center. I wonder why I thought that? Doesn't much matter. But still, the Everfree forest being contained entirely within Equestria's borders? That's just odd. You'd think it would be a lot less mysterious if you could enter it from any direction.

Also, I've made an important decision about terminology. Specifically, the name of the breed of pony that the princesses belong to. The official term, "pegasus unicorn", is rather unwieldy. The fan- and animator-preferred "alicorn", meanwhile, I find to be just plain inaccurate and uninformative. So I've been thinking about it, pondering words that would fit, and I've decided upon "immortal". A misnomer except in the case of Celestia and Luna, but a name that conveys the mysticism and rarity of the breed. I don't expect it to catch on or anything, but it's the word I'm going to use in this story. And anyway, weirder things _have_ caught on in this fandom. You never know, right?

**Chapter Ten**

Twilight stood at a street corner in Canterlot, shuffling her stack of reports anxiously. Just when it seemed she'd been waiting for too long, Princess Celestia appeared and approached.

She was alone, and on hoof. Something about this struck Twilight as odd.

"Hello, Princess," Twilight said, bowing. "Where's your entourage?"

"You know as well as anyone that I don't really _need_ an entourage," Celestia replied, smiling. "Sometimes I prefer to travel the city on my own… I only wish I was also able to go incognito. As it turns out, I'm far too distinctive even when I find a way to shrink myself down to a regular-sized pony… Come, let's walk together. How are the romance studies?"

"Progressing," Twilight replied, keeping pace with the princess. "But, Princess, I've been meaning to ask…" She pointed to an enormous and horrific gargoyle decorating the roof of a nearby shop. "That statue, is that the _real_ Discord?"

Celestia sighed solemnly. "Yes, yes it is. I put him up for auction, sold him to the highest bidder, all proceeds to charity. Now, thanks to his new owners, his horrific visage can be seen from anywhere in a three-block radius. I'm beginning to think that _wasn't _one of the most brilliant ideas I've ever had." She chuckled darkly. "Of course, when it comes to Discord, I do tend to second-guess myself a lot."

Twilight tilted her head in confusion. "But Princess, why would you _ever_ second-guess yourself?"

Celestia shrugged. "Just forget it… he's not pretty, but he can't do any harm. He's contained until the Elements of Harmony change hooves. With luck, Equestria will be safe from him for another four hundred years or so. We'll deal with it when the time comes."

"Yeah, that's…" Twilight said absently, then blinked in shock. "Did… did you say _four hundred_ years?"

"Why, yes," Celestia said, surprised. "The bearers of the Elements are blessed with an extended lifespan… you didn't know that? Hmm."

"I'm going to live four hundred years?" Twilight marveled.

"More or less," Celestia said. "Luna and I, when we first faced Discord, we were past our four hundredth year of life, and by then we were very, very old."

Twilight frowned. "You two were old? But that's… that can't be right. I thought you were immortal."

"Well," Celestia mused, "we've _always_ been 'immortals', if by immortals you mean the pony race that combines attributes of the pegasus, unicorn, and earth pony. But we only became _immortals_… as in those who never age or die… _after_ we battled Discord."

Twilight's mind reeled as she tried to piece all of that together. "I… I don't understand."

Celestia grimaced as she looked back into the distant past. "Luna and I had possessed the Elements for four hundred years when we decided we should use them to topple Discord from his throne of chaos. Our magic was powerful, but we were elderly and decrepit. And as we approached Discord's stronghold, we heard his voice, coming from every direction at once… he said, 'Oh, now that's not going to be any fun at all'. Next thing I knew, we were young again. As you know, Discord plays games, and he wanted sport. Not _good_ sport, but sport enough to keep him entertained. Now, you'll recall that when he challenged the six of you to his games, he—forgive me for saying so—completely mopped the floor with you. But with me, he would have no such luck. What he didn't know was that by restoring me to my physical and mental prime, I was nearly his strategic equal."

Princess Celestia gritted her teeth and glared harshly at the floor, a genuinely frightening sight. "I played his games. And when I did, I… I thrashed him! I brought him down to his knees!" Her eyes glinted gold with perverse delight, and for a moment, her voice was magically augmented so she almost seemed to be speaking in the voice of two ponies at once.

"Princess?" Twilight said meekly.

Celestia looked up at the sky wistfully. "It was only later, when he had been long defeated and we had been crowned Equestria's queens—titles we declined, of course, in favor of something at least a _little_ more humble—that we discovered he had not only made us young again, but also made it so we would live, and continue growing in divine power, forever."

"But why would he do that?" Twilight asked.

"The same reason he does everything: to be obnoxious," Celestia said.

"I never knew that story," Twilight whispered.

"I don't share it, and you won't find the personal details of it in any book," Celestia said. "Promise me you'll keep it between us, dearest Twilight?"

"But I—I've never seen you like that, with the snarling, and the…" Twilight trailed off.

"Discord's games linger within all of us, Twilight Sparkle," Celestia said. "You know this. Now, may I have your word as my subject _and_ as my friend that you will not share this story?"

"Yes," Twilight said hastily. "Of course… I would never betray you for anything, nor would anypony else."

"Thank you, Twilight," Celestia said. "Now, let me see your reports…" She levitated them away from Twilight and flipped through them. "Well, this seems to be in order…"

"But is it accurate?" Twilight said hopefully.

Celestia considered. "Honestly? I wouldn't know. Not my area of expertise. Why don't you enjoy some time in Canterlot while I look over your references?"

"Yes, Your Highness."

-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-

Twilight considered where she should continue tracking data from her various books. A few areas such as cafés and libraries called out to her, but in her heart she knew that these choices would be met with disapproval, considering what she was studying.

So she went with a tavern. And once she had scoped out a place within the tavern to sit, she spread out her books and began writing notes, comparing one to another.

As she scribbled, she began to feel as if someone was staring at her. She looked toward the bar. A tall and slender unicorn stallion was there, with a black coat and a spiked white mane, facing her directly.

His eyes were a blank, milky white. He was clearly blind, Twilight realized… obviously he wasn't actually staring at her. She shrugged and continued with her algorithm, everything that could link one book to another.

A few minutes later, a voice said, "Miss?"

Twilight looked up; a waitress levitating a tall glass filled with bubbling red liquid stood in front of her.

"Um… hi," Twilight said. "I don't think I ordered that…"

"A gift," the waitress said. "From the tall white-maned gentleman at the bar."

"I… are you sure?" Twilight said.

"He describes you quite accurately, miss," the waitress said, looking over a small slip of paper.

"But he can't…" Twilight began.

"Further," she said, looking at the paper again, "he would like me to say that your graduate thesis on elemental defensive magic inspired him to further his own education, that he enjoyed your unique interpretation of Clover the Clever in last year's Canterlot Hearth's Warming pageant, and that he can't get enough of the way you harness the world's most powerful magical items to defeat mighty foes who threaten Equestria. Hmm… those are pretty specific and rare credentials for one pony to have. Still gonna say it's not for you?"

"O… kay," Twilight muttered. "I guess it _is_ for me… huh. All right then…" Twilight took the drink. "Tell him thank you."

"Tell him yourself," the server said. "He'd like you to join him at your earliest convenience."

"All right, then. Thanks again." Twilight slid her three bits for her trouble.

"It's what I do."

Twilight took a few minutes to muster up her courage, not looking at the tall black stallion. She picked up her drink with her magic and walked straight for him.

"Hi there," she said.

"Hello," he said softly. "Nice to see you here… they call me Snicker-Snack."

"Twilight Sparkle, but you knew that, apparently," she said, grinning.

"Mm-hmm… imagine my surprise, to see Twilight Sparkle in my hangout. You caught my eye. And I simply had to meet you."

"I thought you were blind," Twilight said apologetically.

He laughed. "I get that a lot. I used to have normal eyes, when I was a colt. Really nice ones, too… but apparently, the 'ghostly possession' look comes with the cutie mark."

Twilight looked at his flank. "Some kind of dagger?" she said.

"A knife, made of pure silver, with no hilt," he explained. "It represents the power to heal ailments of the mind."

"Really?" Twilight said, fascinated. "We talking psychiatry, or brain surgery?"

"Something in between," Snicker-Snack said. "It's rare… took me forever and ever to research spells I could actually cast."

"I've never heard of this skill," Twilight said. "Do you suppose you could teach it to me?"

He looked her over with interest. "Right, because… you cast _all_ spells. True?"

"Yes."

"Epic!" Snicker-Snack said, licking his lips. "I'd be glad to discuss our individual capabilities over a couple more of _these_." He clinked his glass against Twilight's. "But not tonight."

"Huh?" Twilight said, surprised.

"I've really gotta go," he apologized. "I have business… but I had to catch your attention even if only for a second, had to meet you at least once…" He smirked and chuckled. "Plus… I wouldn't mind reading that graduate thesis of yours again, so it's fresh in my mind when we discuss it. I'll look you up. Ponyville, right?"

"Yeah," Twilight said. "Wow, you've done your research."

"Well, if I knew nothing about you, I couldn't very well be a fan of yours, now could I?" Snicker-Snack said. "I didn't expect I'd ever actually get to meet you, but here we are."

"Here we are indeed," Twilight mused. "It's nice to have fans, I guess! Where can I find you?"

"My card," he said, passing a business card to her. "Can't wait to pick that heroically analytical brain of yours. Now, I really, _really_…" He leaned his face in closer to hers; she could feel and smell his breath. "…really… need to go. See you later."

"But—but—" Twilight stammered. He was already gone.

"Well," Twilight marveled. "Never met anypony who was a fan of my graduate thesis! What a geek." She laughed to herself. "I suppose _his_ thesis was about leaving a girl wanting more. Grr!" She walked back to her table, still laughing. She looked at her books. "Hmm. Well, hell, that was easy. I want to keep going over this stuff just in case…" She scratched her chin. "But by the sun and the moon, he was all _over_ me! I've never been so turned on in my life… And he liked me for my own very real accomplishments. Yes sir, it's nice to have fans…" She closed the books and stacked them up. "Screw it, if I'm really throwing myself into this, it'll be on my own terms. I don't need this stuff, I've got it all covered…"

She swept all the books into a trash can and strutted away triumphantly.

A few seconds later, she quickly returned and retrieved the books. "Heh, library books, not mine," she explained sheepishly to a smirking onlooker.


	11. Chapter 11

**Romance and the Fate of Equestria**

**Chapter Eleven**

Fluttershy showed her backstage pass and made her way to Iron Will's dressing room.

"Fluttershy!" the muscled-up minotaur said, stretching and flexing his arms. "Nice to see you again."

"It's been a while," Fluttershy said cheerfully.

"I assume you're wondering why Iron Will asked you here," the imposing figure growled. "You probably couldn't tell from where you were in the audience, but you've just witnessed a historic event—the final Iron Will assertiveness seminar."

"Really?" Fluttershy said sympathetically. "Are you retiring? Why?"

"No, not retiring at all…" Iron Will said. "Rather, I'm retooling my material—turning the whole thing into a KINDNESS SEMINAR!" He raised his beefy arms over his head triumphantly.

"A… a kindness seminar?" Fluttershy repeated. "I can't imagine that'll be all that popular…"

"It will be popular," Iron Will said. "Because YOU, Fluttershy, are going to write it!"

Fluttershy was stunned with disbelief for a moment.

"Me?" she finally peeped.

"Yes, you. You taught Iron Will an important lesson. There are things that are more important than mere confidence… and confidence without a trace of kindness SUCKS! I need to change my approach. And how better to do that than to get my material from the one pony who WEAPONIZES kindness! I looked you up. Admit it, you're more than just an unsatisfied customer."

Fluttershy hunched her shoulders nervously. "I… I don't know…"

"I'm an accommodating minotaur, not to worry," Iron Will said. "You wouldn't have to ever appear onstage—I'll handle all the public performances, and you get fifty percent of everything I earn."

"Fifty percent?" Fluttershy said, her eyes widening. "That's… that's impressive."

"I'm reasonable. I wouldn't expect you to accept anything less."

Fluttershy thought about it. "I'm going to have to say no," she finally said. "Sorry—this does sound like a great opportunity, but I really must decline. See, I have a private animal-care practice that I'm very happy with, and I have a boyfriend now so I want to spend as much time as equinely possible with him… and I'm really, really not a writer. So, there's that. Sorry."

Iron Will seemed taken aback. "But—I can't do this without you! That would be madness! No one else in Equestria has your qualifications. You MUST write my kindness seminar!"

"I'm sorry," Fluttershy said shyly. "But no means no. Remember, Iron Will?"

"Aha, but an assertive pony never takes no for an answer!" Iron Will declared, sticking a finger into the air.

"Hmm, I was afraid you'd figure that out," Fluttershy said dryly. "So… we're two assertive and self-respecting beings, neither of whom is about to back down. Have I got that right?"

"That's about the size and shape of it, yeah," Iron Will growled.

Fluttershy sighed. "Well, then, it seems I'm backed into a corner. You've given me no choice but to resort to my awesome veterinary superpowers."

She leaned in close to Iron Will's face and opened her eyes as widely as she could. Iron Will recoiled in horror with a cry of "WAUGH!"

"Good day," Fluttershy said pleasantly, trotting out the door.

Iron Will hung out of his dressing room door, reaching out to her. "Fluttershy!" he said, almost whining. "You can't do this! To me, or to your country—my old material is turning Equestria into a nation of complete jerks!"

"Oh, come on, you're not _that_ famous."

"Well, I—HEY!" Iron Will scowled. "That's just mean! Maybe kindness isn't your specialty after all! Hmph!"

Fluttershy flapped her wings and raced back to Iron Will. "Sorry! I'm sorry!" she said. "Look… kindness _isn't_ my specialty. Animals are my specialty. Kindness is just who I am… at least, most of the time. I can't write it, and I can't teach it. I'm sorry."

She lowered herself to the ground, looking back at Iron Will pleadingly.

"I won't back down," Iron Will growled. "I'll never stop trying to rope you into this! And someday, I'll find a way!"

Fluttershy stood up on her hinds legs and bowed deeply. "Iron Will, my friend, I wouldn't have it any other way."


	12. Chapter 12

**Romance and the Fate of Equestria**

**Chapter Twelve**

Rainbow Dash rose into the evening air, high over the heads of the crowd that had gathered. "Fillies and gentlecolts," she announced, "the first—but certainly not last—location for Dash and Gilda's Golden Thread is now open!"

Cheers and applause rippled through the crowd as the doors of the large one-story building flew open. Ponies flooded in, and Gilda flapped around the store showing off the individual products.

"Wingliners!" she said proudly. "Have a weather job to take care of? This product applied to the primary feathers kicks up your speed and provides max cloud-moving power! And with Golden Thread slippers, you can get up and take care of your nighttime business at high speed and without waking your family! And by the same principle, you can rob places."

"Gilda!" Rainbow admonished.

"I'm kidding," Gilda said. "Right, I should mention to everyone that any crimes committed with Golden Thread shall be avenged by masked vigilantes with their entire bodies coated in Golden Thread and armed with angle grinders. So use Golden Thread for its intended purpose or you die."

"Hey, any possibility you can say 'Golden Thread' more often?" Dash said, smirking. "And who are these cloaked avengers?"

"Us, you dope," Gilda muttered out of the corner of her beak.

"Ohhh…"

Twilight spotted something over the heads of the ponies filing in the door. "Hey, is that…?" She teleported to the back of the crowd, where her brother was waiting for her.

"Shining Armor, when did you get back from your honeymoon?" she asked excitedly.

"Arrived back in Canterlot just an hour ago," he replied. "I wanted to see this big business opening. You seemed excited in your letter, I couldn't miss it."

"Yup, it's revolutionary," Twilight said, nodding. "I'm hoping to use my position within the company to nab a sample of raw materials and figure out what it actually is… while, yes, using it around the house like crazy. How'd you get from Canterlot to here so fast?"

"We flew," Shining Armor said, shrugging. "Cadance carried me."

"Ah, yes, husband carrying," Twilight said dryly. "I think there was a petition a few years back to make that an Iron Pony sport."

"Don't knock it, it changed my life," Shining Armor said, smiling.

"It did?"

"Yeah, I was tired and I wanted to get somewhere, so I said, 'Cadance, will you carry me?' She thought I said something else, and, you know the rest."

"Yeah, still funny, Shining Armor," Cadance said, appearing out of the crowd. Her voice indicated that Shining Armor had made that joke many times before, but her face betrayed that she loved every minute of it.

"Cadance!" Twilight said delightedly. "Sunshine, sun—GAH!" They were interrupted by a few stampeding customers. "Okay, there'll be no secret hoofshake at the business opening. Przewalski…" She looked, amused, at the surrounding masses.

"Ponies are saying Przewalski again?" Cadance asked. "That is so retro."

"Yeah, there's this new alternative rock band from Canterlot called Przewalski," Twilight said. "So, that re-popularized the term. Not their intention, I'm sure." She was drowned out by more scrambling ponies trampling over one another. "You guys wanna get out of here?" she said loudly.

"Yeah, we really should catch up," Cadance said, smiling.

-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-

The three of them made their way to library, where Twilight promptly broke out glasses of champagne.

"So, how was the honeymoon?" Twilight asked. "What did you see?"

"Oh, we just skimmed all the major northern sights," Cadance said cheerfully. "Galloping Gorge, Neighagra Falls. Actual sightseeing was at a minimum 'cause, you know, honeymoon. I won't go into what I did to your brother in various northern cities, but I'll give you a few pro tips when you get married."

"Yay," Twilight said unenthusiastically.

Later, as the three were finishing their second glasses, Twilight asked, "So, Shining Armor, gonna buy some Golden Thread for the Royal Guard?"

"Yeah, I'm completely dishonorable," he said, smirking.

"Hmm?"

"True strength requires discipline, you know that," Shining Armor said, gesturing grandly with his floating glass. "Your invention? It's going to enable ponies to beat the living crap out of each other with no training. Not _my_ soldiers. My soldiers will keep the peace by virtue of their own excellence." He took a triumphant sip.

"I didn't invent it," Twilight said. "I'm just making an obscene amount of money off it. Booyah."

"Well, don't come crying to me when some punks with an overdose of that crap destroy Equestria."

"I won't come crying… but where can I find you after Equestria gets destroyed?" Twilight laughed for a bit too long. When silence finally came, Cadance giggled briefly.

"I don't need your protective thread anyway," Shining Armor said proudly. He held up his left front leg, and conjured an enormous tower shield from nowhere. "Check out this bitchin' shield that Uncle Lance and Auntie Eclipse got me. Made of the finest indestructium ore in Equestria, and painted with the family crest." He traced the outline of the magenta six-pointed star.

"Ooh, fancy," Twilight said.

"Who'd you say it was from?" Cadance asked.

"Uncle Lance and Auntie Eclipse, they're loooooaded," Twilight drawled.

"Can't remember our names worth a damn, but they always come through on the gifts," Shining Armor said smugly, tapping the shield.

"I thought the birthday presents were good," Twilight said. "If that's what they give for wedding gifts, I gotta get hitched before they bite it."

Cadance gave a tiny, hiccupping giggle. "Do you always start talking like an old-fashioned gangster when you're buzzed?"

"Totes McGotes."

Later still, Twilight started filling up everyone's fifth glass. "Met this guy in Canterlot," he said. "Snicker-Snack. Check him out." She conjured up a life-sized illusion of the handsome stallion.

"Whoa," Cadance gaped. "You met that dude?"

"Isn't he hawt?" Twilight said smugly, laughing at her own turn of phrase.

Shining Armor, now sitting on Twilight's couch, stared at the illusion, bewildered. "What's wrong with his eyes?" he demanded.

"They're imbued with pure awesome, that's what's wrong with them," Twilight said simply. "We've been writing back and forth, he's real into elemental defense…"

"Your thesis!" Cadance gasped.

"Yes!" Twilight said, delighted. "He's followed all of my achievements, from my academics right up to the Elements of Harmony. And I'm always angling to read about what he does, with his power to heal the sick, but he just wants to hear about me. I don't want… I don't want to tell him I study romance. But I'll tell ya… something about the way he writes just makes me salivate with anticipation. And I'm sick of the slow progress on the dating thing, man. Next time I see him, I'm gonna jump his bones. Just like that."

Shining Armor leaned back and tapped his front hooves together in mocking applause. "That's my little sister. Way to go!"

"Will you really?" Cadance said suspiciously.

"No, not really," Twilight said. "There's a bunch of little champagne bubbles in my brain, making me say silly stuff. Another bottle?"

It was soon after that Shining Armor started turning down the champagne and drifted off to sleep. "Drink up, me hearties, yo ho," he could be heard mumbling. "And zip a dee do dah…"

In Twilight's bed, she and Cadance set down their ninth glasses.

"I'm so lucky you're my sister," Twilight said wistfully, staring out at the moon.

"No, Twilight, I'm lucky," Cadance said.

"I'm lucky," Twilight insisted.

"I'm lucky."

"I'm lucky."

"I'm lucky, your luck stinks," Cadance retorted.

"Yeah," Twilight submitted.

"Me and Shining Armor are gonna be so happy," Cadance said dreamily. "We have a house, we have a wonderful family of friends, our student loans are paid off…"

"Student loans?" Twilight repeated. "Huh. Fluttershy was talking about those a while back. Is that gonna be a running gag? That's the worst running gag I've ever heard."

"I hope we see each other a lot more often, Twilight," Cadance said.

"Me too," Twilight said. "It's not fair, you know. That you sleep with my brother and he gets to sleep with you, and I… don't."

Cadance blinked, trying to make sense of that through the haze of booze. "Um… just to clarify, does that mean you want to sleep with me, or with your brother?"

"You, of course."

"Just checking…" Cadance muttered. "It's true what they say, isn't it? That unicorns can't hold their liquor."

"Guess so," Twilight said. "So, let's do it, just so we have something to deeply regret later…"

She leaned in. Cadance gently slid her away. "Twilight, I'm never gonna be _that_ blitzed."

"Sure you will. Have a whole bottle."

"No, Twilight," Cadance said. "You have your sights set on Snicker-Snack."

"Yeah, I do," Twilight said smugly.

"And he's gonna… he's gonna rock your body into the night! Whoo!"

"Whoooooo…" Twilight repeated breathily.

"And anyway, I'm an immortal, we technically _can't_ get that drunk…" Cadance mused. "Just a little bit fuzzy-wuzzy, in the brain, and… stuff. Hmm… are you sad, Twilight?"

"Of course I am," Twilight said flippantly. "I just pounded two bottles. I'm gonna feel that in the morning, and that makes me sad."

"Don't worry about it, I'm great with hangovers," Cadance said.

"Yaaay…" Twilight peeped.

"It's my fault anyway, I forgot you guys need to regulate it a bit," Cadance muttered. "But I meant, Twilight, are you sad in your everyday left? I mean, life. Son of a…"

"No, I'm not," Twilight said, snuggling under her covers. "I've never been so fulfilled. Why would I be sad?"

"Oh, no reason," Cadance said. "Sometimes it's hard to get a read on you, that's all."

"Sunshine, sunshine…" Twilight started, before abruptly falling asleep on Cadance's chest.

Cadance touched Twilight with her horn, casting a quick spell. "Sleep well, my beloved sister," she said quietly. "And may you discover everything love has to offer."


	13. Chapter 13

**Romance and the Fate of Equestria**

**Chapter Thirteen**

In the treehouse at Sweet Apple Acres, Apple Bloom lounged around with a comic book as Scootaloo and Sweetie Belle sat together on a rug.

"So, brainstorm of the day," Scootaloo said enthusiastically. "Sweetie Belle? …Sweets?"

"Hm?" Sweetie Belle said, surprised. "Oh, sorry. Just… something on my mind, about Spike." She shifted, uncomfortable. "Do you have any plans?"

"Well, I hear Rainbow Dash is doing this superhero thing to preempt anypony doing anything illegal with Golden Thread," Scootaloo said. "Maybe we could be superheroes?"

"And maybe all my pigs will grow wings," Apple Bloom murmured, turning a page.

Sweetie Belle shot a glare at Apple Bloom, then turned back to Scootaloo. "But if we were superheroes, we'd have to cover our cutie marks. I'd want to show mine off… I mean, come on. Right? And how could we keep our secret identities if we had superhero-ing cutie marks?"

"Not every superhero has a secret identity," Scootaloo grumbled.

"Just scratching the surface of problems with that plan," Apple Bloom said with a smirk.

"If I may," Sweetie Belle said, eyeing Apple Bloom again, "I move that the Crusaders increase efficiency by removing unnecessary and highly snarky distractions."

"Seconded," Scootaloo said, glaring as well.

"Ex-CUSE me?" Apple Bloom said, looking up and raising her eyebrows at them. "Whose clubhouse is this?"

Scootaloo thought for a second. "The Cutie Mark Crusaders' clubhouse," she said.

"Good answer," Sweetie Belle said, holding up her hoof.

"Bam," Scootaloo agreed, pounding her hoof against Sweetie Belle's.

"Okay, I get it," Apple Bloom said, getting up out of her seat. "I quit, and you're mad at me. That's fair. But you're still on Apple family property, I'm within my rights to beat you up and drag you outta here."

"If you're not gonna help us with our futures…" Scootaloo began.

At that very moment, the sun dipped completely below the horizon. And at the very second it did so, the entire clubhouse was filled with blinding white light. When the light faded, the three of them realized that they were now in the company of a tall and menacing presence.

"Princess Luna!" they said in unison, dropping into a deep bow.

"Arise, Cutie Mark Crusaders," the princess of the night replied, lightly bowing back to them.

"You've heard of us?" Scootaloo said with surprise.

"As thy theme song says, thy exploits hath rocked Equestria," Luna said, smiling wryly.

"Really?" Apple Bloom said blankly.

"Ay. That, and my sister told me all about thee. The story is an inspiring one, and I thought perhaps I could take it upon myself to appear before thee as an equal, and offer some advice."

"Equal?" Scootaloo said breathlessly.

"Advice?" Sweetie Belle said, her eyes widening in eager anticipation.

Apple Bloom whipped out a notepad and pen, staring at the princess expectantly.

"My advice is twofold," Luna said, pacing around the clubhouse. "First, consider the prophetic nature of names."

"Names?" Sweetie Belle repeated.

"Pony's names have power. 'Tis the name one receives at birth, far more than the cutie mark obtained at adolescence, that truly determines thy destiny. A pony whose destiny does not match her name will often change her name, yes? And the new name will change her fate in new and unexpected ways." She tousled Apple Bloom's mane. "Little one… by calling you Apple Bloom, perhaps thy parents instilled into thee very early on, thy famous obsession with growing up."

"She kind of qu—" Scootaloo started.

"Shush! Trying to listen," Apple Bloom hissed. "So… everypony's name is a magical prophecy?"

"Indeed," the princess said, nodding. "This has always been so, from the dawn of ponykind. To wit: a millennium and a half ago, there lived a mother who so loved her two daughters that she named them for the heavens and the moon. Little did she know…" Luna gazed at her own cutie mark in silence for a few seconds.

"Princess?" Scootaloo said cautiously.

"Ah, nothing, nothing," Luna said dismissively. "I… scarcely remember my mother."

"Yeah, I don't really remember my parents either," Apple Bloom said quietly.

"So I suspected," Luna said. "Yet another reason I sought thee out." She touched Apple Bloom with her horn.

"The second part of your advice?" Scootaloo said eagerly.

"Ah, yes," Luna said. "The three of you… together, thou art forming a strong cosmic anchor—by virtue of being one earth pony, one unicorn, and one pegasus."

"Barely," Scootaloo said, looking disdainfully at her tiny wings.

"Oh, don't say that—thou art a lovely and healthy pegasus filly," the princess insisted. "Such a union of the three races is rare—mystical and strong."

"I don't think it's that rare," Sweetie Belle said, frowning.

"Well, she's got something there, the 'powerful' thing," Apple Bloom said. "Our sisters and their friends? They're a group of two of each, and look at what they can do."

"Two of each is indeed powerful," Luna said, "but one of each, even more so."

"That makes no sense," Scootaloo protested.

"Indeed it doesn't, but 'tis true," Luna said solemnly. "I see the iron-clad bond of friendship that hath been forged between thee, and I suspect thou art to be a powerful force for equality in the future."

"Equality?" Sweetie Belle said. "But the three races are equal… always have been. Since _long_ before your time, Princess."

"Have they?" Luna challenged. "In spirit, yes, but what of the simple joys? Can unicorns fly, earth ponies cast spells, pegasi till the soil?"

Apple Bloom's face slowly lit up. "I… see what you're saying!" She turned to the other two. "Remember when we were working the fields? And I was all feelin' the rhythm and the emotions of the earth and the trees, and you guys… you didn't know what I was talkin' about. That was so sad."

"Yeah, it was," Sweetie Belle said. "You were excited and happy, and we wanted to know what it was all about."

"But we couldn't," Scootaloo said. "And we never can… can we?"

The princess shrugged and smiled. "I hope I have been helpful. Remember my words. As always, play to thy strengths: in this case, the strengths imparted by thy beautiful and meaningful names. And the strength of the cosmos-altering unity of the three tribes—be quick about it, whilst thou art young, before thy individual powers hath awakened too fully. I hope very much to see what thou dost devise."

With a swish and another flash of light, she was gone, but she continued speaking, her voice coming from somewhere in the general direction of the moon. "Fare thee well, Crusaders. Keep me apprised of thy progress. Thou shalt not disappoint!"

Apple Bloom nodded. "A lot to think about," she said to herself. "Names… and bein' equals, _true_ equals. Girls, I have a plan. Let's hit the library!"

"Library? What for?" Sweetie Belle asked.

"Cutie mark research. And lots of it."

"So… you're back in the club?" Scootaloo said.

"Hay yeah, I'm back in the club!" Apple Bloom whooped. "Follow me!"

"Yay!" Sweetie Belle said, bouncing up and down happily.


	14. Chapter 14

**Romance and the Fate of Equestria**

Check this out. I have copies of the updated re-releases of _Baldur's Gate I _and _II_, _Icewind Dale I _and _II_, and _Planescape: Torment_—all five of the games made with the Infinity Engine, the system that defined the Western role-playing game. Of course, I don't have access to a DVD-compatible PC, so they've been collecting dust on my shelf for months. Anyway, I started thinking about making an adventuring party based on _Friendship is Magic_. I'm thinking, Applejack and Rainbow as the warrior-types, Twilight and Rarity as the wizard/sorcerer types, Fluttershy as the priest, and Pinkie filling in the rogue position. Then I thought, hmm, I'm not much for drawing, but maybe I could design humanized portraits of them filling those roles. And after I do that, hey, maybe I can search the show for little voice clips to use as their sound-sets. You probably have no idea what I'm talking about, but anyway, it's something that was just on my mind.

Then I'm online, looking up nothing in particular related to _Icewind Dale_, and I find out… someone's already done it. Yes, everything I just described, somebody else came up with it before I did. Exactly the way I was planning on doing it.

Holy crap. I thought the world besides me had lost interest in those games around 2004. I guess the pony fandom is just friggin' _everywhere_.

**Chapter Fourteen**

Big Mac and Fluttershy stood together on Ponyville's bridge, watching the coming sunset, when Pinkie Pie suddenly zipped onto the bridge and squeezed her way between the two of them.

"Got a bone to pick with you two!" she declared. "Why didn't you tell me today was your three-week anniversary? I found out ten minutes ago and just BARELY finished putting the party together!"

"I'm s—" Fluttershy began.

"Not another word!" Pinkie bellowed. "You'll be there. Here." She passed an invitation to Fluttershy, smooched Fluttershy full on the lips, then did the same to Big Mac, and vanished just as quickly as she'd appeared.

Blinking, Fluttershy opened the invitation and started to read it. "'An invitation to Fluttershy and Big Macintosh's three-week anniversary rootin'-tootin' buckaroo bash.' O… kay. 'Sweet Apple Acres; dark o'clock sharp; TODAY, thank you very much.' Oh, I do feel bad for Pinkie, we should have given her time to prepare. Okay, 'Free bar, live DJ, bobbing for apples, climbing wall, three unique custom-made bouncy castles, Ferris wheel, spinning teacup ride, and catering by Canterlot's Donut Joe.' I'm suddenly less sorry for her… ahem, 'Unlimited plus-ones, all-night, clothing optional.' Hmm."

Pinkie rushed back over to them. "'Hmm'? What's to hmm about?"

"Oh, nothing," Fluttershy said. "I just thought that the phrase 'clothing optional' sounds like it ought to be naughty, somehow, but… I guess it's really not."

"No, clothing optional just means it's like everyday life," Pinkie said, shrugging. "Now come on! Sun's coming down! Guests of honor can't be late!"

-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-

The party had all that the invitation promised—and the three custom bouncy houses were shaped respectively like Big Mac, Fluttershy, and Fluttershy's house.

"Howdy, you two!" Applejack said, walking up to the couple with a hot apple pie balanced on her front hoof. "Boy, that Pinkie outdoes herself on a daily basis. None of this was here fifteen minutes ago!"

"Applejack," Fluttershy peeped. "I didn't think you'd come."

"Huh?" Applejack said, surprised. "What are you talkin' about? I wouldn't miss this."

"I thought you didn't approve of me with him," Fluttershy said softly.

"Fluttershy," Applejack said, wrapping a leg around Fluttershy's shoulders comfortingly, "if there can be only one pony I 'approve of' to be with my brother, it's you. You're the best there is."

"Yeah," Rainbow Dash agreed, coming up behind them. "She was just mad 'cause she had dibs on him, but she's over it."

"Oh, another 'inbred hick' joke, that's just… lovely," Applejack said, making a strangely familiar shifty-eyed and tight-lipped face.

"…You're gonna throw that pie at me, aren't you?" Rainbow said nervously.

"Maybe."

Rainbow dodged to the side, but Applejack anticipated where she would end up and aimed the pie accordingly; it caught Rainbow perfectly in the face. "Damn, you're good," Rainbow grumbled.

"Heh heh heh."

"Hot apple pie hurts a lot more than key lime."

"Damn straight."

"Pinkie!" Derpy called from one of the elegant dinner tables. "Where's Pinkie?"

"I'll help you out, Derpy," Rainbow Dash said, flying up to her while wiping pie residue from her face. "I'm co-waitressing tonight. What can I do for you?"

"I ordered mini-muffins, these are cupcakes," Derpy said, indicating her plate.

Rainbow blinked. "You're kidding, right?"

"WHAT?" Pinkie shrieked, popping up at Derpy's table. "That's… that's slander! How you can even SUGGEST that I would EVER—" She glanced at Derpy's plate. "Son of a Swiss cake roll, you're right. Those _are_ cupcakes."

"Wha…?" Rainbow mumbled.

"A grievous error on my part, for which I apologize," Pinkie said grandly, taking the plate away. "I'll take care of it."

"Thanks, Pinkie," Derpy said.

"I can't believe I'd make that mistake," Pinkie muttered. "I must be off my game tonight…"

"Is this some kind of joke?" Rainbow demanded, looking around. "Am I on tape?"

"Probably not," Pinkie said, returning with a new plate with impossible haste. "Since we're outdoors, you're more likely to be on film."

"Wha…?"

"Here you are, Derpy. Mini-muffins it is."

Rainbow stared at Derpy's new plate. "But… but that's the same!"

Derpy turned one eye to Rainbow (the other eye remained fixed on her muffins). "You makin' fun of me?" she said softly.

"No, Derpy," Rainbow sighed. "I would never—"

"So, you're making fun of muffins, then?" Derpy challenged.

"What? No, no no no, of course not…"

"Good," Derpy growled. "'Cause if you diss muffins, I will have to cut you."

"Okay, noted," Rainbow said, walking away. "The hell? Hey, Fluttershy." She flew over to Fluttershy's table. "I know it's you guys' party, but you mind if I talk business with you for a sec?"

"Talk away," Fluttershy said graciously. "Is the Thread selling?"

"Like candy," Rainbow said smugly. "I thought we were gonna run out, but G keeps bringing out more from… someplace. Brings out the clumps of thread, we weave 'em into the different garments and things. Griffons, say what you will about 'em, they're bitchin' weavers."

"So what do you need from me?" Fluttershy asked.

"We, me and Gilda, are working on an advertising campaign," Rainbow explained, "mostly to get a location set up in another city. What we need is somepony to model the stuff." She leaned in toward Fluttershy, beaming hopefully.

"Model?" Fluttershy gulped. "No, no, I don't want to be a model again. I hated modeling."

"But you were so good at it…" Rainbow whined.

"Look, I am who I am, but I don't want that kind of publicity again," Fluttershy said diplomatically.

Rainbow leaned across the table and pouted. "But you're so pretty and cute and charismatic…"

"Rainbow… I can't, I'm sorry."

"Meh, fine," Rainbow grumbled, leaning back.

"Sorry," Fluttershy said, wincing.

"It's okay," Rainbow assured her. "Look, you have more money invested in the gold stuff than everypony else combined, we kind of have to do what you say."

"Oh," Fluttershy said, surprised. "Well, I had lots of money left over from… well, from my modeling stint. I never knew what to do with it, it was just laying around—is that a problem? Should I give up some of my shares?"

"No, no, we're super-extra-grateful, believe it," Rainbow said, tapping Fluttershy's hoof comfortingly. "It'll be nice, having you in a position of authority."

"I don't like being in a position of authority," Fluttershy mumbled.

"Which is exactly why you should be put into a position of authority more often."

"Aw…" Fluttershy said, blushing.

"So back to the drawing board on the advertising deal," Rainbow said thoughtfully.

"You should be the model, Dash," Big Mac piped up.

"Yeah, ha-ha," Rainbow retorted.

"No, really, make that pouty face again," Big Mac insisted.

"What, like _this?_"

"Yeah, there you go. You could sell worms to an apple with that face."

"Well, thanks," Dash said. "You'd be good for the job too, you know. We film you lifting something heavy, and tell everypony you use Golden Thread. Heck, you could be the Golden Thread sixteen-month calendar all by yourself."

"For the ladies," Big Mac said, winking.

"Bingo. Fluttershy, tell me your guy wouldn't bring in the sales."

"No, he certainly would," Fluttershy said, smiling. "You should do it, sweetheart."

"A'ight, what do I sign?" Big Mac asked.

"That can wait," Rainbow said. "Don't let me ruin your anniversary party. I was just dropping in." She started to stand up.

"Dashie, wait," Fluttershy pleaded. "Stay and hang out with us. Mac, honey, can you fetch some punch?"

"You betcha, babe," said Big Macintosh.

He stood up and walked to the bar. Fluttershy watched him leave, then leaned in and snarled at Rainbow Dash, "Stop flirting with my boyfriend on our anniversary!"

"Gah! What?"

"Back… off," Fluttershy hissed, her eyes wide and an inch away from Dash's.

"Hey, he started it," Rainbow protested. "Quit being so insecure."

"Quit being so—maybe we haven't met. I'm Fluttershy."

"Okay, okay, I'm sorry," Rainbow said, bowing her head. "Just take it easy. He flirts with everypony, it's how he communicates, you know that. He's harmless. Just let me enjoy it."

"Right," Fluttershy whispered.

Big Mac returned with a tray of three glasses of punch. "Here y'are, ladies," he said. "Can you believe Pinkie got DJ P0n-3 down here?"

"They go way back," Fluttershy said.

Rainbow tilted her head as a song started. "Ooh, my favorite, listen to that guitar intro! We should dance, you guys."

"All righty," Fluttershy replied. She took a big gulp of the punch, and Big Mac walked out onto the dance floor, the two mares following him.

"Rainbow, did you put rum in this punch?" Fluttershy asked, peering into her glass.

"Why do you _always_ assume I put rum in the punch?" Rainbow said innocently.

"Because you _always_ put rum in the punch."

"Okay, that checks out."

"You can't _see_ a bowl of punch without tampering with it," Fluttershy went on. "One time, there already _was_ rum in the punch and you added _more_."

"Oh yeah. That was a good night."

"Says you."


	15. Chapter 15

**Romance and the Fate of Equestria**

**Chapter Fifteen**

"And we're back! This is DJ P0n-3—hey, how about that Pinkie Pie party last night? That was rockin'. Aired out some new tunes, and got my hooves on a couple of fit blokes in the bargain. Ahhh, yeah! Anyhooze, Ponyville, get ready for a special treat. I'm joined here in the studio by four of Equestria's most talented up-and-coming musicians. Please welcome Ryu, Nyu, Kyu, and Magnolia."

Rarity shrieked at the radio. "Przewalski are in Ponyville? Are they playing? Do I get to see them?"

Rainbow raised an eyebrow at Rarity as she reclined on the library stairs. "Since when do you listen to alt-rock?"

"I don't," Rarity admitted, "but Ryu is so cute!"

"Ryu?" Rainbow said, wrinkling her nose. "You're ten years older than him."

"I'll wait for him."

"I'd go for Ryu," Sweetie Belle said absently. She and the other Crusaders were at a table with several open books. "And then break his heart and go out with Kyu."

"Niiiiice," Rainbow exclaimed. "You like Kyu, huh Sweetie?"

"Yeah, he's… hunky," Sweetie Belle said, giggling.

"Focus, Sweetie," Apple Bloom said sharply. "Lemme see that diagram again." Scootaloo passed her a book depicting the physiology of a majestic and ancient winged unicorn. "You know, a lot of ponies forget this, but immortals are just as much earth pony as they are pegasus and unicorn. In the olden days, an immortal could walk down a brand new paved road and flowers would grow out of it. That's _all_ earth pony."

"Earth power," Sweetie Belle said, holding her hoof aloft.

"Yo," Apple Bloom replied, bumping it.

"Yeah, earth ponies forever… word," Scootaloo said absently. "Listen, I think we should focus more on the names thing. I think that'll get us closer to our cutie marks."

"Yeah, but the three-tribes-union-thingy is about the future," Apple Bloom said. "Not just ours, but everypony's."

"But we're the _Cutie Mark_ Crusaders," Scootaloo enunciated.

"I know," Apple Bloom muttered. "But the 'name science' deal is so small-scale. We've got to think big!"

"Name science _is_ a big deal, girls," Twilight said, approaching the Crusaders' table. "I was surprised when you asked me about it. I had to dig into the directory to find anything; I don't have to do that often, let me tell you. It's ancient stuff, older than Equestria, as old as the pony species. Most ponies don't realize that name science is even a real thing."

"_You_ seem to be familiar with it," Sweetie Belle said.

Twilight nodded. "When Princess Celestia first took me in as her protégé, it was the first paper she assigned to me. The research was rough, there's very little existing material on the subject. But very much worth learning. A lot of scholars say it's not real magic, that ponies are 'socially conditioned' to pursue skills related to their names. Let me tell you, that's bunk. A destiny tied to your name comes looking for _you_. It's waiting, like an old friend, out there somewhere."

"Now _that_'s a lot cooler than those old physiology diagrams," Scootaloo said smugly.

"Thought you hated the mushy stuff," Apple Bloom said.

"This isn't mushy, it's badass."

"I'll leave you to it," Twilight said, strolling back to her desk.

Sweetie Belle leaned in to look at Apple Bloom's book. "Is that an immortal _stallion_? I didn't know they had those."

"They don't exist anymore," Apple Bloom said, glancing at the caption. "And they were always really rare, I guess."

"He's cute."

"You say every guy is cute," Apple Bloom said, rolling her eyes.

"I do not," Sweetie Belle insisted.

"You've been starting to, lately."

"I'm open in my budding sexuality."

"Good for you, keep it to yourself."

"Um, hi," someone said.

The Crusaders looked up to see a pale gray filly with purple eyes, her mane in pigtails, and wearing a frilly white mini-dress. "Are you guys the, uh, Cutie Mark Crusaders?" she asked.

"We sure are," Apple Bloom said cordially. "Sup?"

The filly paused, looking from one Crusader to another nervously. "Well… uh, my name's Soup Spoon. And Silver Spoon… my, uh, cousin… told me to come meet you guys. Uh, here."

"She did?" Scootaloo said, glancing back at her fellows.

"Yeah," Soup Spoon said softly. "She said she'd be here soon."

"Really?" said Sweetie Belle.

"Aw," Apple Bloom said sympathetically. "I hate to tell you this, but it sounds like you've just been ditched."

"Huh?" Soup Spoon said blankly.

"Happens all the time," Apple Bloom said. "We don't hang out with Silver Spoon, she must be trying to… load you off, or something."

"Oh…" Soup Spoon said, dejected.

"It's okay!" Apple Bloom assured her, perking up. "We'll put all our research aside for a sec. Let's hang out! We'll have the best day ever, Silver Spoon will see how much fun we're having, and she'll wish she hadn't dumped you. She learns _her_ lesson, and we get a letter to the princess out of it."

"A letter to—wait, what?" Soup Spoon said, her eyes widening. "What princess?"

"Princess Celestia," Apple Bloom said. "We're part of her 'magic of friendship' study. We're supposed to write to her when we have new and valuable life experiences."

"Plus, Princess Luna wants us to keep her posted on our cutie mark journey," Scootaloo added. "So… yeah. We're in touch with both of the princesses." She blinked, as if just realizing this herself. "How about that?"

"Wow," Soup Spoon breathed. "You guys must be, like… really cool."

"Nah, we're not that cool," Apple Bloom said, coming around the table. "We're just a bunch of blank flanks on a mission to find our true purpose. Are you…?" She peeked at Soup Spoon's flank, but found it covered by her dress, and Soup Spoon edged away.

"I'd rather not confirm or deny that," Soup Spoon said. She beamed, a bit too broadly.

"All right, no worries," Apple Bloom said after a pause. "Let's go do something awesome!"

"WOO!" Scootaloo said, jumping into the air. The four fillies departed the library.

"Those Crusaders are just growing up too fast," Rarity said fondly.

"Yeah," Rainbow agreed. "Your sister's gone all colt-crazy. That's so funny! Gonna be fun to watch what happens there."

Rarity smiled. "She's a filly of many layers, but a girly-girl at heart. I guess she gets it from me. Our mother's certainly not what you'd call feminine…"

The two of them noticed the sound of Twilight's quill zipping across a sheet of parchment. They turned their heads, and saw Twilight completely engrossed in whatever she was writing, her nose right up against it.

"I bet Sweetie Belle sees action before Twilight does," Rainbow said.

"Oh, that's just crude," Rarity said. "And mean."

"I know, that's why it's funny."

"Um… _what_ are you guys talking about?" Twilight said absently.

"Oh, we were just wondering what you were doing," Rarity said casually.

"I'm writing to Snicker-Snack," Twilight replied.

"Ah, your 'dark and edgy' stallion," Rarity said, nodding. "When do we get to hear more about him?"

"When all six of us are together, I guess," Twilight said, shrugging. "I don't want to have to repeat myself or anything."

"Come on, give us _something_," Rainbow pressed.

"Okay," Twilight said softly. She turned to Rarity and Rainbow. "Fact is, I'm crazy about him, and I think he's equally as crazy about me. He knew who I was as soon as he saw me… I guess he'd been admiring my work for a while. He researches me. Basically, he's my biggest fan."

Rainbow flinched uneasily. "Sounds more like he's your stalker."

"Oh, stop it," Twilight said. "You're one to talk, missy."

"Touché."

"I don't see it as weird," Twilight went on. "I mean, I am a public figure. Kind of. Not really, but sort of. After all, there's, what, two stained-glass windows with my depiction in them? That's two more than most ponies have."

"Sure, sure," Rainbow said, nodding.

"Plus, I see no reason to worry about stalking when I'm in Ponyville and he, I'm pretty sure, lives in Canterlot…"

_Tap tap tap_.

Twilight turned toward the window, and saw Snicker-Snack standing there, smiling and waving to her.

"Well I'll be damned," Twilight muttered, darting for the door.


	16. Chapter 16

**Romance and the Fate of Equestria**

**Chapter Sixteen**

Twilight burst out of the library. "Snicker-Snack," she said breathlessly. "I don't—I mean—hi!"

Snicker-Snack stepped up and gave her a friendly hug. "Nice to see you again," he said softly.

"What… what brings you to Ponyville?" Twilight asked, still flustered.

"A number of things," Snicker-Snack replied, "which amount to: I came to Ponyville in order to be in Ponyville."

"Ah," Twilight said. "Straight-shooting and informative as always."

Laughter rang out at Twilight's remark. Behind Snicker-Snack was an earth mare with a chocolate-brown coat, yellow eyes, and stringy dirty-blond hair that fell in curtains around her face; beside her, a white-coated pegasus stallion with red eyes and a red-and-black mane styled in a mohawk.

Rainbow started to drift out of the library. "So you're the elusive—"

Twilight's horn lit up; her magic shoved Rainbow back into the library and slammed the door. "So who's that with you?" she asked Snicker-Snack.

"These two?" he replied, nodding to his two companions. "They're my partners and bestest friends. Twilight Sparkle, meet Skippmud and Crazyface. Guys… I've told you all about Twilight."

"Ah," said Skippmud, the mare. "So you're the reason Snick hasn't shut up for a week straight."

"Yeah, he almost drowned _you_ out," said the stallion, shoving the mare playfully. He stepped toward Twilight and took her front hoof between both of his. "Hey, I'm Crazyface. Used to be Crazyface the Clown, but… well, nopony likes clowns."

"Indeed they don't," Snicker-Snack agreed. He affectionately rubbed Crazyface's shoulder. "Crazyface here is one of the more prolific unsung heroes in children's entertainment. Skippmud is his lawyer, and I'm his publicist. We first made a name for ourselves in our native New Clovenshire, in the far southwest… so far west and south that it's barely part of Equestria at all. We originally came to Canterlot chasing a hot new business opportunity."

"I see, a business opportunity," Twilight said, nodding. "You know, it seems like there's a lot of that going around." She leaned in close to Snicker-Snack and whispered, "You have the most amazing talent I've ever heard of and you're a _publicist_?"

"Oh, don't worry," he whispered back. "I find uses for my gift. Trust me, the mentally afflicted are healed whenever I get the chance."

"Well, good," Twilight said. "So, uh, tell me again why…?"

"Ponyville—well, we hear there's a booming theater circuit here. True?"

"I suppose it's expanding," Twilight said with a shrug.

"I figured Crazyface might finally make it big in Equestria at large if we start here," Snicker-Snack explained.

"So… you're not just here for me?" Twilight said cautiously.

"You? No way. You're a girl. Girls are icky."

Twilight snorted.

"But listen," Snicker-Snack said seriously. "You think you can help us get into plays and things? You must have all the best Ponyville connections."

"Oh… well, I'll see what I can do. I can always make time to help out a friend."

"All right then!" he said, smiling. "We all appreciate that… _I_ appreciate it."

They stood there, smiling at each other, for a few seconds.

"Well, we're off to our new apartment," Snicker-Snack finally said. "See you later."

"See you…" Twilight muttered, as he and his two friends passed by. Twilight noticed the library door cracked open and Rarity and Rainbow's eyes peeking out at her.

"Snicker-Snack, wait," Twilight said, turning to follow him. "Would you like to go out with me?"

He stopped in his tracks, then turned around slowly, grinning. "You know, Twilight, this has been a really good day… but you just made it perfect."

Twilight blinked. "…Was there an answer in that?"

"Yes," Snicker-Snack said. "Your answer is a very surprised, very grateful yes."

She smiled. "Well, now _my_ day is perfect. Meet you tonight? Here?"

"Sounds good," he said, touching his horn to hers briefly. "Looking forward to it, Miss Sparkle."

"I'm glad that you're excited," Twilight said. "Uh… bye."

Snicker-Snack bowed his head, and they parted. Rarity and Rainbow darted away from the door and tried to look casual as Twilight came back in.

"Hey," Rainbow said.

"Hey," Twilight replied. She grinned at them for a few seconds, then jumped in the air and clacked her hooves together. "WHOOOOOOO-HOO!"


	17. Chapter 17

**Romance and the Fate of Equestria**

**Chapter Seventeen**

"Nice night," Fluttershy said.

"Real nice," Big Mac agreed. "Listen to them crickets."

Fluttershy nodded happily. "I like crickets."

"I s'pose you know what the crickets are sayin'?"

"Oh, nothing really," Fluttershy admitted. "Mostly crickets just talk about the weather… nights like this remind me of the day I first moved to Ponyville. That evening, it was just like now. There were crickets, and I went into town… you were there, you probably don't remember—"

"No, I remember," he said.

"Huh?" Fluttershy said, taken off guard.

"Eeyup, your first day in town? I remember that day, 'cause I remember seein' _you_. Couldn't forget that."

Fluttershy wrapped her front legs around Big Mac's neck and kissed him passionately. "You're a dirty rotten no-good flatterer, and that's why I love you," she whispered. "There are a couple of reasons I love you, actually."

They silently gazed into each other's eyes for several minutes.

"Big Mac, did you hear me?" she said.

"Huh?"

"I said I love you," Fluttershy said tenderly. "I mean it, I truly do… I love you."

Big Mac smiled. "I know you do. You said so when ya first came to the farm to ask me out… sure is nice to hear that somepony loves you."

_No,_ Fluttershy thought. _This can't be happening, I… I should never have thought I was good enough to—No! Don't go down that road. Keep a cool head._

"Big Mac," she said sweetly, "do _you_ love _me_?"

He sighed and leaned in close to her. "Look… I'm always honest, mkay? Truth is, I dunno. I never felt that before, I don't know if I'm ready." He kissed her cheek.

"You don't… know if you love me," Fluttershy said slowly. "Okay, well, in that case, _get out of my bed_."

"I don't… what?"

"You heard me," Fluttershy said, jumping out of her bed and taking to the air. "I said get out." She whistled, and an army of rabbits, mice, and squirrels surged into the room from all directions.

"Remove him from the premises, please," Fluttershy said softly, her eyes closed.

The tiny creatures ran up to the bed and overturned it, then the mass of them picked up Big Macintosh and lugged him out of Fluttershy's room, out of her front door, down her garden path, and threw him into the street.

Fluttershy hovered in place, eyes still shut, and shed a single tear.

-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-

"So you just tossed him out?" Rainbow said the next morning. "Right as you were about to have the big night?"

"I think my exact words were 'get out of my bed'," Fluttershy replied from Rainbow's couch.

"'Get out of my bed'," Rainbow marveled, filling her cereal bowl. "Wow. Ha ha! Fluttershy, you are such a badass. I don't tell you that often enough, but you really are."

"Thanks, but I don't feel like a badass," Fluttershy whispered. "I feel like I let him down."

"Oh, please," Rainbow scoffed as she flew over to join Fluttershy on the couch. "You did the right thing and you know it. Don'tcha now?"

Fluttershy sighed. "…I need to know that he loves me. I can't toss away my"—she silently mouthed the word _"virginity"_—"on a relationship that's not going anywhere."

"I get it."

"But it's still eating at me that I hurt him like that," Fluttershy mumbled.

"Stick to your guns," Rainbow insisted. "You know what's really gonna start eating at you? Losing your self-respect. Do _not_ cave in to his demands. Do not negotiate. He does what _you_ say, got it?"

"Is this a relationship, or a siege?" Fluttershy said irritably.

"Self-respect and integrity, Fluttershy!" Rainbow said firmly. "You made yourself a promise years ago that you would never sleep with a guy who wasn't in love with you. Do not go back on it, or you'll never forgive yourself."

"Okay… you're right," Fluttershy said. "Thanks, Rainbow. I'm not accustomed to seeing things that way… sometimes I need a fresh perspective."

"I got your back, sister," Rainbow said through her mouthful of cereal. "You stand your ground. You were right to dump him; don't take him back until you get the sincere declaration of love that you're after."

"Dump him?" Fluttershy repeated. "Oh my goodness, do you think he thinks I broke up with him?"

Rainbow tilted her head. "Did you _intend_ to break up with him?"

"No."

"Then he probably thinks you did," Rainbow said dryly. "He's a guy, after all."

"No…" Fluttershy muttered. "Oh no, oh no, oh no…"

"You okay?" Rainbow asked.

"No, I'm not okay!" Fluttershy declared, vaulting off of the couch. "I have to get my man back!"

"What?" Rainbow demanded. "No, damn it, no! What did we _just_ talk about?"

Fluttershy turned to stare at Rainbow Dash intensely. "Big Macintosh is faithful and loyal and kind. He gets me. He would have understood if I had just told him I wasn't ready instead of kicking him out of my house like I'm some kind of drama queen." She put a hoof on Rainbow's shoulder. "I'll keep my promises to myself, don't worry. We can get to the point where he can say he loves me, _if_ I haven't already lost him."

Rainbow stared silently for a moment, then nodded. "Go get him."

-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-

Big Mac approached his farm, pulling a full cart of apples. Fluttershy approached him from the side. When he noticed her, she stopped in her tracks and hovered there for a moment, averting her eyes. "…Hi, Big Mac," she said.

"Hey."

"I'm sorry about last night," she muttered.

"No, no, I'm sorry," he said.

"Here, I wrote you a note," she said, holding it out to him. "I know, right? I'm a coward. A note…"

"No, no," Big Mac assured her. "I, uh I got one for you too."

They exchanged their notes awkwardly, and stood quietly.

"Okay—good," Fluttershy finally said. "I'll… I'll talk to you later."

He nodded, and she flew off. When she was off of Sweet Apple Acres property, she unfurled the note.

_I LOVE YOU,_ it read. _Of course I do. Just gotta figger out how to say it out loud, is all. Hope you'll wait for me._

She held the note to her heart and looked up into the sky. "Oh, Big Mac…" she sighed. "My naughty poem and accompanying lewd illustration suddenly seem a lot less classy by comparison."

Big Mac's eyes darted hungrily over the image she had presented to him.

"Whatcha got there, big brother?"

"Nothin', AJ," he said hastily, covering it. "Just a little somethin' from Fluttershy."

"Oh," Applejack said, walking alongside him as he brought his apple cart into the barn. "You guys okay after… whatever happened last night?"

"Yeah, still good," he said. "Better, I think."

"Good. What've you two been doin' lately?"

"Oh, we've been hangin' out a lot with Rainbow Dash," Big Mac said.

"…Really?"

"Eeyup… kinda weird, I know," Big Mac admitted. "But Shy keeps askin' her along. It's fun, heh heh… that Dash sure does pull some funny faces."

"Funny faces?" Applejack demanded. "What the hay do you three do together?"

"We have conversations," Big Mac retorted. "Mind outta the gutter, AJ."

"Okay," she muttered. "_Conversations_…"

"Well," Big Mac said, unhooking himself from the cart, "I got a lot to think about. Later."

"Like what?" Applejack said curiously.

"Nothin'," he said. "Fluttershy stuff."

"Having a problem?" she said, keeping pace with him. "Maybe I can help."

"Well, you _are_ a filly," he said thoughtfully.

"Pretty sure I'm a mare, actually," she said dryly.

"Heh heh. Okay…" He turned to look at her, stared into her eager green eyes for a few seconds, then quickly turned and started to walk away. "…Never mind, you don't wanna know."

"Sure I do," she insisted.

"Nope."

"Come on, help me help you."

"Okay," he said, stopping but not looking at her. "I never… went out with a pegasus before. They're s'posed to be real delicate and brittle, right? And Fluttershy's even more so than most. And me, I'm a big guy—you see where I'm goin' with this?"

Applejack shook her head.

"You _don't_ see where I'm goin' with this?"

"Sorry, no."

"Ooh boy…" he muttered, scratching the back of his neck. "Przewalski… well, here's the thing." He inhaled deeply, and in one breath hastily spilled out, "I'm afraid that if and when me and Shy sleep together, I'd spend the whole evening freakin' out about whether I might accidentally break her pelvis or somethin'." He turned to her expectantly.

"…You're right, I didn't wanna know," Applejack said.

"Told you," he said simply. "So, whaddya think?"

She shrugged, shifting her hooves nervously. "I really have no clue how to solve that problem."

"Ooookay then. Don't you have work to do?"

"I do indeed," she said, relieved.

"Good. See you later."

"All right," Applejack said cheerfully, walking away. "You'll excuse me if I don't make eye contact for the next six months. That a problem?"

"Nope."


	18. Chapter 18

**Romance and the Fate of Equestria**

Okay, season 3 just ended and I just posted five chapters at the same time. I remember in chapter 8, I mentioned that I probably wouldn't be running into any problems by ignoring season 3. Hoo-boy, was I wrong. A lot of friggin' _stuff_ happened in season 3, only the least of which is that "alicorn" is now canon and my note in chapter 10 is largely moot.

But nevertheless, I'll still be completely ignoring season 3… and season 4, since that'll doubtless come along before this story is over. I've come this far, after all. To give you a hint of how far ahead I've been writing this, this right here, chapter 18? This is the halfway point… of part one. Yup. I've written up to chapter 36. Part two begins at chapter 37, and I basically know quite a bit of stuff that's gonna happen in part two. Beyond part two, I don't know… but logically, I'm guessing part two ends somewhere around chapter 72. And then beyond! Not bad, I've never had a chapter 72 before. Or a "beyond".

**Chapter Eighteen**

The Cutie Mark Crusaders were at Zecora's shack, while the zebra herself stirred tea and watched the three fillies flipping through some thick books and making measurements.

"…And that's why we want to learn how to do acupuncture," Apple Bloom was saying. "I know it's not from _your_ lands, but we figured you might have picked somethin' up."

Zecora brought the tea tray to them and looked at the cover of the book Apple Bloom was holding protectively. "Mechanical engineering, hmm?" she said. "No easy task… I may be too afraid to ask."

"Why does everypony keep saying that?" Scootaloo demanded.

"Come on, Zecora, you're our last hope," Apple Bloom said. "I know you know about medicine from everywhere in the world, please tell me you can deliver."

Zecora paused, then pulled a dusty old book off of her uniformly dusty shelf. "Acupuncture is not my bailiwick, but this book ought to do the trick," she said, placing it on the table.

"Bailiwick?" Scootaloo said blankly.

"Stick a sock in it, dear sweet foal," Zecora said affectionately, ruffling Scootaloo's mane. "Is this about your cutie mark goal?"

"Of course," said Apple Bloom. "We're gettin' too old to have no cutie marks, it's startin' to get ridiculous."

"Too old?" Zecora scoffed. "You are most certainly not—you should be happy for what you've got. Before a cutie mark gives lasting joy, you have to spend a few years giggling about boys."

"Actually, I think that's true," Scootaloo said thoughtfully. "A lot of the fillies at school never shut up about which colts are cute or hot or whatever. With the comparing notes on dates and the building a perfect colt out of the guys on the swim team? Ick, I don't wanna turn into one of _them_."

"I'm not worried," Sweetie Belle said, shrugging. "I mean, I already like colts."

Zecora chuckled as she walked back to her stove. "You may think you do now, but… but, um… uh…" She stopped in her tracks as she trailed off.

"Zecora?" Apple Bloom said in surprise.

"…Damn it," Zecora said dully. She rushed over to one of her cupboards, muttering in her native language, then to the Crusaders' surprise launched into a rapid-fire, rhythmless rant. "Sixteen years speaking only in couplets that I'm never gonna get back. Such a ridiculous place to draw a blank, it should have been easy. Am I right?" She looked expectantly at the girls.

"Um… are you okay, Zecora?" Apple Bloom said cautiously.

"Fine, fine, just mad at myself," Zecora muttered. She had pulled a wooden bowl out of her cupboard, painted bright red and carved with various symbols, and walked it into her kitchen to fill it with water. "Honestly, this actually _isn't_ my first slip-up in all these years," she went on. "But before now, it was always behind closed doors." She produced a flint and tinder. "Not that my religion makes much distinction 'twixt what I do alone or in front of company… ah, praise the goddess," she said, smiling as she ignited the tinder and set fire to the water in her bowl.

"You know," Apple Bloom admitted, "I always assumed that you spoke in rhyme 'cause somepony put a curse on you."

Zecora laughed, then recited, "Most folk think that, and I see why they would. But no, it's a discipline of my priestesshood."

"Oh hey, you're back to normal," Apple Bloom said, smiling. "Don't stay mad at yourself for very long, do ya?"

"My devotion to my faith shall never be gone; if I mess up, I simply put my saddle back on," Zecora said proudly. "I've been doing this for sixteen years—ah, but I must atone for my brief mistake, my dears."

"Oh…" Apple Bloom said solemnly. "What do you have to do to atone?"

"Things that ponies should not see, for they must stay betwixt my goddess and me," Zecora replied sternly.

"Betwixt?" Scootaloo muttered.

"I gotcha, Z," Apple Bloom said hastily. "We'll get outta your hair. C'mon girls."

"Okay," Scootaloo said, collecting their books. "Thanks for the book, Zecora."

Sweetie Belle followed the others, looking apprehensively at Zecora's flaming bowl of water. While the water continued to burn pleasantly, the wooden bowl seemed to be undamaged. "You're not gonna hurt yourself, are you?" Sweetie Belle asked.

"No, no, I'll be fine," Zecora said. "Now go…" She looked toward the heavens reflectively. "I must tow the line."

-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-

"I always knew Zecora was disciplined, but that's amazing," Apple Bloom chattered as the three returned to Ponyville. "Imagine how sharp and slick her mind is after doin' that for sixteen years. I can't imagine doing _anything_ for sixteen years."

"Yeah," Scootaloo agreed. "Not even… you know, living."

"So what do we do now?" Sweetie asked.

"We've got engineering and acupuncture," Apple Bloom said. "That leaves… magic. That's the last thing we need to look up… " She thought for a second. "I get why ponies don't want to know what we're doin'."

"Hey, you guys."

The Crusaders stopped in their tracks. Silver Spoon was standing in the middle of the road to Ponyville, directly in their path.

"Um… hi?" Sweetie Belle managed after a long and awkward silence.

"What are you up to?" Silver Spoon said in a friendly tone.

"Why do you want to know?" Scootaloo challenged.

"I dunno… I'm interested."

The Crusaders exchanged glances with one another.

"I… guess you've been talking to Soup Spoon?" Sweetie Belle said hesitantly.

"Yeah, where is she?" Scootaloo said. "You abandon her again?"

"We better go find her," Apple Bloom said decisively. "Come on. Where'd you dump her this time, Silv?"

Silver Spoon gaped at them in disbelief. "…Seriously? You _still_ think that was my 'cousin'? No red flags there for ya? Sheesh, I used to think you three were smart."

"What are you talkin' about?" Apple Bloom demanded.

"OMC, you guys—I'm Soup Spoon!" Silver Spoon snapped, removing her glasses. "How hard do you think it is to put in contact lenses and a dorky little dress? Przewalski, I spent the whole day thinking you'd figure it out any minute…"

"So, _why_ did you disguise yourself as a fictional cousin?" Apple Bloom said cheerfully.

"To hang out with you guys," Silver Spoon said, putting her glasses back on. "No prejudices or preconceived notions from our past 'relationship', just regular, open-minded hanging-out… ness. So, I'm thinking, now that we all know we can have fun together, we can hang out some more. Yeah?"

The Crusaders hesitated for barely a second.

"Oh, come ON!" Silver Spoon roared. "I'm offering you dweebs the chance of a lifetime here!"

Apple Bloom stepped toward Silver Spoon, trying to keep tranquil and unexpressive. "So first you pretend to be somepony else, then you insult us and act like you're doing _us_ a favor? Interesting method of making friends. Let us know how it works out for ya." She passed Silver Spoon, accompanied by the other two.

"And it's pronounced 'Chevalski', not 'Purr-za-walski'," Scootaloo supplied.

"'P-R-Z' makes a 'ch' sound?" Silver Spoon said blankly. "That's messed up."

"Isn't it, though?"

"You're walking away from me?" Silver Spoon fumed. "Well, fine! Clearly I misjudged your coolness."

"Well, maybe you can mull over what _rejection_ feels like for a while, huh?" Scootaloo shot over her shoulder.

"'She who fights bitches', pal!" Silver Spoon sneered.

Sweetie Belle halted in her tracks. Apple Bloom and Scootaloo turned to her, mildly surprised.

"She's right, you guys," Sweetie Belle said.

"Huh?" Apple Bloom blurted.

"Just because she's been hurting us for years, we don't have the right to hurt her back," Sweetie Belle said thoughtfully. "That doesn't accomplish anything. But if we offer our friendship… you never know what could happen. Friendship is magic—nothing but mystical, wonderful magic." She turned around and walked back to Silver Spoon. "Silver Spoon, I'm sorry," she said. "That was very wrong of us, to do and say those things. Do you still want to hang out?"

Silver Spoon sighed and stared at the ground. "Yeah," she muttered. "Thanks."

"Now listen," Sweetie Belle said gently, putting a hoof on Silver Spoon's shoulder. "You can't expect unconditional, out-of-nowhere friendship here. For instance, you mentioned our past relationship was a bit unfriendly, which is why you wore a disguise—but not once did you _apologize_ for what you've done in the, um… aforementioned past."

"Apologize?" Silver Spoon said, wrinkling her nose. "Oh, come on, I shouldn't have to… I mean, it's a meaningless—thing."

"No, no," Sweetie Belle said firmly. "My mother says it's the most important thing ponies can do for one another. She says if more ponies apologized instead of making excuses, the world would be a lot more harmonious."

"You _are_ sorry, right?" Apple Bloom said.

"Of course," Silver Spoon mumbled. "Why else would I be here?"

"Then say it," Scootaloo said.

There was silence.

"I can't do it, I still have dignity," Silver Spoon said.

"Dignity means you _can_ apologize," Apple Bloom countered kindly.

"Okay," Silver Spoon forced out. "I'm s… I'm s… I am so, so… sssssseeaiary. SORRY!" she blurted. "About the teasing, and excluding, and stealing the wheels off your scooter when we were really little…"

"That was YOU?" Scootaloo demanded.

Silver Spoon grinned nervously. "All in the past, right Scootaloo?"

"Sure," Scootaloo said reluctantly. "And… I'm sorry too, about just now."

"Yeah, same here," Apple Bloom added.

"Isn't it nice to be apologized to?" Sweetie Belle said brightly, pulling the other three into a strangling hug. "Now we can all be together like real friends!"

The four of them started back into Ponyville, Silver Spoon walking with the others like an equal.

"Hey," she said after a bit of walking, "if we can attach conditions, I got one too. Diamond Tiara can't find out about this."

"Whoa, whoa, whoa, that's askin' too much," Apple Bloom said, stepping in front of Silver Spoon. "We agreed to friendship, not an affair. We don't have the time or energy to _hide_ all of this."

Silver Spoon was silent. "…Please?" she finally said lamely.

"Why do you care what Diamond Tiara thinks?" Sweetie Belle challenged.

"I… I don't know!" Silver Spoon grumbled. "I grew up next door to her. She's like my sister. I'll tell her when I'm good and ready, but you as _my friends_ should accept my other friends."

"We're gonna regret this, aren't we?" Scootaloo muttered.

"So, what," Apple Bloom demanded, "when she's around and she's tormenting us, you're just gonna let her?"

Silver Spoon scowled, rubbing her forehead with a hoof. "If it comes to that, I'm sorry in advance. It's just… she's my best friend in the whole world, and I'd never try to make her change, just… see things differently, a little bit, you know? So _all_ my friends can hang out."

"Well, that just raises the question," Sweetie Belle said. "Why _do_ you want to be our friend?"

"You three always stick together," Silver Spoon said. "And… I like you, or whatever. And Tiara could learn to like you too, if you'd just let me work on her a bit."

"Work on her," Scootaloo repeated. "Can a pony be 'worked on'?"

Apple Bloom shrugged. "Well, we should… we should all believe in our friends, and expect the best from them. That's what Silver Spoon is doin', so we'll do it too. In fact, I'm gonna write that down."

"Ooh, ohh," Silver Spoon said eagerly. "Can I write the letter to Princess Celestia?"

"You bet," Apple Bloom said. "C'mon, Silver Spoon, let me show ya what we Crusaders have been workin' on…"


	19. Chapter 19

**Romance and the Fate of Equestria**

**Chapter Nineteen**

Rarity paced the floors of Carousel Boutique. "So… if I may summarize…"

"Go ahead," Twilight said.

"Tonight is your second date with Snicker-Snack."

"Correct."

"You're having dinner at your place."

"Uh-huh."

"And you want to utterly dazzle him!" Rarity declared.

"Yes," Twilight said enthusiastically.

"With your beauty and sophistication and charm."

Twilight nodded. "I feel it'd be a nice change from the underwhelming mumble-fest that was our first date."

"It can't have been that bad, if you're seeing him again," Rarity said encouragingly.

"Only 'cause he was already into me anyway…" Twilight murmured out of the corner of her mouth.

"Ah," Rarity said. "A flimsy excuse for a second date indeed! So, you want… what, specifically?"

"Prep me. Prettify me. He's had quite enough of my brain, now I want to knock him clean out of his horseshoes with my hotness!"

"Done and done," Rarity said. "I'll have you looking like the queen of the hot librarians in under a minute. Any particular requests?"

Twilight shook her head. "I'll leave you to your own judgment. You're the expert."

"Yes I am!" Rarity said, beaming. "Okay, already I'm getting a feel for what to do for you. Ready for makeup?"

"Ready," Twilight said confidently.

Rarity conjured up a powder-puff twice the size of a pony's head and floated it in midair. "MAKEUP!" she bellowed, before slamming the puff against Twilight's face.

Twilight coughed and blinked, then spotted herself in the mirror. She was a vision in royally-inspired eyeliner and her mane styled with two amethyst-studded tortoiseshell combs.

"Well, the physical comedy was corny, but the results speak for themselves," Twilight said. "Thank you so much, Rarity. I have a good feeling."

"Where are you going?" Rarity demanded. "We're not done. We need to get you an outfit."

"Outfit?" Twilight said blankly. "Why do I need an outfit?"

"So he can rip it off of you, of course," Rarity said, as if it was obvious. "You'd be surprised, the difference it makes, when there's one little obstacle between him and you, one extra step before the night of passion. You know, like 'playing hard to get'. It's the sort of thing that makes a fellow… frustrated." She giggled. "Frustration is good. Highly effective."

Twilight scowled. "I'm sorry, is there a big red letter A on my forehead of which I'm unaware? If so, it's because that's my grade for the semester. I'm not sleeping with him on our second date!"

Rarity smirked. "Erm, yeah, I have twenty bits that say yes, yes you are."

"I'll take that bet," Twilight said, rolling her eyes. "All I have to do is _not_ sleep with him? Easiest twenty bits I ever made."

"I don't think so," Rarity countered. "Have you _seen_ yourself when you're with him? When the subject of him even comes up? You're putty in his hooves, darling. You won't be able to resist. If he's coming into your house tonight, you will find yourself taking him upstairs for the grand tour of your mattress. Trust me… I can tell."

Twilight pondered that, then scoffed, brushing it off. "Just get the outfit, Rarity."

-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-

Snicker-Snack knocked on the door. Twilight answered, in full makeup and a sleek red dress. "Hiiii, welcome to my home," she said, barely comprehensible through her wide grin.

He grinned back. "Hey, Smiley. Let me, uh… whoa." He entered the library and looked around. The overhead lights were out, the lobby dimly lit by large, round lanterns and strings of white lights, as well as the scented candles on the round, cloth-covered table at the center. "Went all out, huh?" Snicker-Snack said. "Or does the place always look like this?"

"Heh, no," Twilight giggled. "Made it special for you."

"This must have set you back," Snicker-Snack muttered, his pupil-less eyes presumably darting over the various, extremely numerous, lights.

"Not at all," Twilight said brightly. "Most of my income is a weekly stipend straight from Princess Celestia, and I tend not to spend much. Plus, since my assignment is the study of friendship and romantic love, if I put down my purchase of all this stuff as romance-related, it's tax deductible."

"Cooool," Snicker-Snack drawled. "I gotta admit, Smiley, I wasn't expecting to be invited out by you again."

"Say what?" Twilight said, bewildered.

"Sure, I make a good first impression, come across all suave and fascinating, but the reality is, most folks lose interest around the fifteen-minute mark."

"You're a lunatic if that's what you think," Twilight said. "I for one am still hooked on you. You're an interesting guy… like, _almost_ as interesting as me."

He laughed, then gently touched his horn to hers. "That's high praise. I'll treasure those words."

Spike burst in, wearing a tuxedo and a bushy brown mustache. "_Hola!_" he declared. "Welcome to _La Restaurante de Spiké-wiké_! Or is it _'El' Restaurante_…? Doesn't matter." He pulled them to the table by their front hooves. "Sit down at _la mesa_, we'll open with some _vino rojo_, a nice _ensalada con pepinos y margaritas_, followed by _sopa de crema de setas_, and our _plato principal_, um… _sándwiches_… _de watercress-o_…"

"Wait," Twilight said, scowling, "that's all just a perfectly normal Ponyville dinner, you're just saying all the names of the dishes in Epoña."

"…Well, yeah. Was that not clear?"

"Eh… never mind," Twilight said, approaching Spike. "Thanks for all your help putting this evening together. You're the greatest, Spike." She hugged him. "I love you so much—now _get out_."

"Yes, ma'am. Getting out."

"Our friends are hanging out with Snicker-Snack's friends over at Ponyville Plaza, you should go join them at your earliest convenience. I've arranged for you to stay the night with Pinkie Pie; I want you in bed within the hour, you hear me?"

Spike saluted and bobbed cheerfully out the door. Twilight sat at the table, opposite Snicker-Snack, and levitated in the wine, soup, and salad from the kitchen. She set the plates and glasses formally, then her eyes darted toward the door.

"Is he gone? Mmkay…"

Twilight ran around the table and planted a kiss firmly on Snicker-Snack's mouth. She held that position stiffly for a few seconds, then broke off and kissed him at the base of his horn, then between his eyes, the tip of his nose, and back on his mouth again. Forcing his lips aside with her own, she forcibly scraped her teeth against his, then briefly flicked her tongue into his mouth before darting back into her chair and staring hard at her salad.

"Been repressing the urge to do that for… wow, nearly a minute now," she said. "It was hell."

Snicker-Snack grinned and started digging into his salad, levitating his fork with magic of midnight blue.

"I'm sure I'm a terrible kisser," Twilight went on. "I should probably read up on it a bit before—"

"Twilight."

"Hmm?"

"While, yes, both of us being constantly self-deprecating is a great basis for a relationship, really it is," Snicker-Snack said dryly, "there's something you really ought to admit to yourself."

Twilight grinned. "What's that?"

"That you're really good at this," he said simply. "See, there are occasions, when a guy's trying to get into an intimate situation, he might pull out something like this, but he'll always fail somehow. Run out of time, put something up shoddily. You? You nailed the entire atmosphere in one shot, Smiley, and in doing so, you've outdone every guy of every species on the planet, through all of history. And I raise my glass to you, the most successful romance researcher I've ever met."

He indeed raised his glass, and Twilight clinked her own glass against his.

"How many romance researchers _have_ you met, exactly?"

"Just you. You gonna throw that in my face?" He chuckled. "Okay, how's this… the single most romantic creature I've ever had the privilege of encountering."

Twilight raised her glass again and drank. "There's an admission _you_ should make to yourself, as well," she said softly.

"Oh?"

"Yeah, that you're dead sexy." She glared at her still-almost-full wine glass as if it had just betrayed her.

"I'm open to that possibility," Snicker-Snack said, grinning.

Twilight inhaled deeply. "Mind if I try that kiss again?"

"Go nuts. I'll try to actually participate this time."

"Yeah, what the hell was that about, man? It was like trying to kiss a doll."

"Sorry."

-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-

Among the numerous umbrella tables on the asphalt floors of Ponyville Plaza, Crazyface pontificated as he stood hind-legged on his little round seat, a cola in hoof.

"I wonder," he declared, "what that _lovely_ Twilight Sparkle sees in our dear old Snicker-Snack?"

"Probably nothing," Rarity said from across the same table. "I'm sure the whole relationship is nothing but a tax dodge."

"…What?"

"Nothing."

Applejack scooted closer to Skippmud. "So, what was your name again?"

"Skippmud," the sleepy-eyed mare replied.

"Well, howdy," Applejack said, vigorously shaking her hoof. "I'm Applejack. Do you noodle?"

"Excuse me?" Skippmud said, genuinely surprised.

"Your cutie mark, it's a catfish," Applejack elaborated. "Are you a noodler?"

Skippmud seemed mildly impressed. "I noodle in my spare time. Get a good rush out of it. Have you ever?"

"Haven't you heard my accent? Of course I have."

"What… what is 'noodling'?" Rainbow Dash said, confused.

"It's when ya catch a catfish usin' your own hoof as bait," Applejack explained. "Ya let it swallow your forearm and then rip it outta the water! It's awesome."

Rainbow blinked. "…That's moronic."

"I know! Don't it sound great?"

"It's my passion," Skippmud said, not sounding particularly passionate. "But there's no money in it, y'know? Nopony is gonna pay you to catch catfish, it's not like anyone in Equestria eats meat or anything. So no, I'm not a noodler. I'm a lawyer."

Applejack tilted her head. "Money is no reason to defy your cutie mark… there's _no_ reason to do that, I don't think."

"She's not defying it, Applejack," Rainbow Dash said. "Instead of _catching_ scum-sucking bottom-feeders, she's _being_ one. It all lines up."

Skippmud eyed Rainbow Dash disdainfully. "Wow," she said dryly, "that's amazing. I don't think I've ever heard that joke before. Not once. In my ENTIRE LIFE!" She was suddenly snarling.

"Okay, sorry," Dash said, holding up her hooves in surrender. "You're right, that one's too easy."

"So what do _you_ do, smartass?" Skippmud asked sweetly.

"I'm in weather."

"…Really?" Skippmud said, perking up. "Never met a pegasus who did weather full-time. I always thought it was a volunteer gig."

"Nope, I'm a full-timer," Rainbow said proudly. "In fact, I'm the weather supervisor of Ponyville _and_ surrounding districts. But what I really want is to be a Wonderbolt."

"A Wonderbolt?" Skippmud repeated with interest. "Now that would be something."

"Yeah," Rainbow said, suddenly on a roll. "I've got a great rapport with them. I've saved the lives of some of their members, I correspond regularly with Soarin' and Spitfire, _Pegasister_ magazine called me the best girl flyer in Equestria. FYI, the guy who was named best guy flyer? Didn't even come close. They only wrote about him 'cause they had to…"

"So, why aren't you?"

Rainbow blinked. "Sorry?"

"You want to be a Wonderbolt—why aren't you?" Skippmud said bluntly. "If you actually have these credentials, it sounds like you should be qualified. So, if you were ever going to be a Wonderbolt, don't you think you'd be one by now?"

Rainbow blinked slowly a couple of times. "…I'm tired of this conversation," she finally said, walking over to another table. Skippmud chuckled maliciously.

"Friggin' lawyer," Rainbow Dash grumbled, glancing at Fluttershy and Big Macintosh, with whom she was sharing her new table.

"Um, Dashie, if it's not prying—" Fluttershy began.

"It is," Dash said.

"Oh," Fluttershy said awkwardly. "Okay."

They were silent for a few seconds.

"Ask the damn question, Fluttershy," Rainbow snapped.

Fluttershy flinched at the sudden retort. "Why… why _aren't_ you a Wonderbolt?"

"I was… rejected," she said. "I can't apply again until next year."

"Why?" Fluttershy asked, pouting sympathetically.

"Failed the psych report," Rainbow sighed. "They said I was a 'loose cannon'."

"Oh… I'm so sorry!" Fluttershy said, genuinely anguished.

"Yeah," Rainbow said dejectedly. "What really kills me is that I truly _know_ they're wrong. I know what my actual flaws are. If they'd said 'self-absorbed' or 'show-offy' or 'too awesome', I'd have gone, hey, fair's fair. But I'm _not_ a loose cannon." She sighed, resting her head on the table. "I wish there was some way I could prove it."

"I'm really sorry, Rainbow Dash," Fluttershy said, patting Dash's head. "Better luck next year."

"Thanks."

After a bit of silence, Spike raised a claw hesitantly. "Um… Fluttershy? Hi. I'm, uh, starting to get concerned that maybe I don't have Peewee on the right diet. Think you can help me?"

"Oh, gosh, Spike," Fluttershy said, flushing with embarrassment. "I know jack and squat about phoenixes. Have you asked the Princess?"

Big Mac leaned in close to Rainbow Dash and whispered to her. "Wanna know what I think?"

"Shoot."

"I think you _were_ too awesome, but they can't put that on a psych report, so they made that 'loose cannon' crap up."

Rainbow's eyes widened in surprise. "Wow. Just… wow. Holy Przewalski, Big Mac, you're making me blush. And I _don't_ blush, okay?" she said, glaring at him harshly. "The closest I come is when my face is on fire. I get a little pink from that. And if you tell anypony you saw me blush, I'll set _your_ face on fire. Got it?"

He shuddered comically. "Okay."

"…Well, I know if he dies of malnutrition, he'll come back and I can start over, but that seems to be a bit extreme," Spike was saying. "I don't wanna do that."

"Yeah, we don't want it to go that far," Fluttershy agreed.

Across the plaza, Rarity was inspecting Crazyface's cutie mark. It was three five-pointed stars—one blue, one red, one yellow, each one with thin, spiky arms with wavy edges, the stars' centers full of holes.

"'Sup?" Crazyface asked, noticing her inspection.

Her eyes snapped to his face. "Twilight tells me you're a children's entertainer," she said, not missing a beat. "What does that entail?"

"Oh, singing, songwriting, playwriting," Crazyface said absently. "Your mileage may vary on how entertaining I actually am, but I'm very attached to my work." He eyed her. "What do you care? You're not old enough to have children of your own."

Rarity giggled. "That's not true. But no, no children. I have a little sister, though, who I think is going to make a name for herself in music."

"Oh?"

"Yes," Rarity said. "She sings like an angel, writes her own songs. Still a blank flank, for some reason. Gets a bit of flak for it at school, poor dear."

"Mmm," Crazyface said sympathetically.

"But I hear she's going to direct the school play this season," Rarity continued. "I think that'll be just the break she needs!"

"A play?" Crazyface said. "You know… I've been looking for a way to get into Ponyville theater. What if I were to mentor your little sister in putting this play together?"

Rarity straightened in surprise. "Why, that would be… very generous of you, Mr. Crazyface. Thank you!"

"Just Crazyface, please," he said modestly. "But yeah, I can do that. Anything to get a filly her cutie mark, yeah? That's important to kids."

"Too true."

-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-

_Dear Princess Celestia,_

_May I congratulate you on a marvelous sunrise? I'm watching it right now. Is it just me? I feel like it's one of the best sunrises I've ever seen._

_I'm writing to report that, admittedly, I haven't quite "learned" anything about the magic of romantic love, per se. But trust me… I get the feeling that soon, all of the pitfalls, all of the ups and downs, all of the lessons, shall be laid bare for me to see. How do I know? Well, let's just say that I owe Rarity 20 bits and leave it at that. Trust me._

_Your faithful student, Twilight Sparkle__._

Twilight rolled up the note and tucked it behind her ear, ready to hand it off to Spike the moment she saw him. She turned away from the sunrise and back to her bed. The sleeping form of Snicker-Snack had been there when she had started writing the letter less than a minute earlier, but somehow he had left the room without a sound.

"Snicker-Snack?" she said, confused. She started down the stairs. "…Do I hear the stove going? What's going on?"

He lifted his head from behind her kitchen counter, beaming as his white eyes met hers. "Just makin' breakfast," he said.

Twilight swept her gaze over her kitchen. The eggs in the frying pan had their yolks completely mutilated, and the waffle-maker was overflowing onto the counter.

"Oh…" she said. "Doesn't look like breakfast is quite your milieu."

"Not at all," he admitted. "But I kind of had to."

"Why?"

"Well," he said with a disdainful smirk, "I seem to recall that in the late hours of last night, you actually asked the question, 'Will you respect me in the morning?' Now, what kind of question is that?"

She flinched. "Ugh, sorry."

"No, no, it's good," Snicker-Snack assured her. "'Cause, see, now I have to prove that yes, yes I will. I do like a challenge. So, I'm making breakfast. And after that I figure we'll go on a hike, check out various pieces of 'da nature', and then find a secluded glen of some sort where we'll unfurl a picnic lunch and I'll serenade you."

Twilight blinked. "Either I died shortly before we met and you're my eternal reward, or I just _happened_ to stumble upon the most awesome boyfriend ever. The first one seems more likely, in the scheme of things."

"Meh," Snicker-Snack said, shrugging. "If you are dead, you're in hell. You haven't heard me try to 'serenade' yet."

Twilight smirked. "You know, we're quickly approaching the point where anything _wrong_ with you actually adds to your appeal."

He chuckled bitterly. "Shoot, that just makes me sound like a douchebag."

"Oh, you are, you certainly are," Twilight said cheerfully. "How about I help you out a bit with that breakfast?"

"If you could, yeah."

Snicker-Snack stepped aside for her as she stepped up to the counter and called up a series of utensils. She eyed him, standing passively at the side, and used her magic to pull him across the floor, so they were touching shoulder-to-shoulder as they worked.

-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-

**Endnotes**

Hi, it's me again. The, uh, author. Wow, I haven't done an endnote since chapter 1. That's not like me. Normally I can't stop ranting and raving about how I'm not appreciated in my own time.

Anyway. Gotta love some _español gratuito_! Now, the purpose of this endnote is to say, before you point them out, that I'm well aware of _every_ mistake Spike makes in his little spiel. I did it because it's funny. I mean, come on, as if anyone would actually say _vino rojo_. Please. Everybody knows it's _vino tinto_.

I know normally for a scene like that, most writers would go with French, but I don't speak French. Not that I speak Spanish either, but I know something about it, at least.


	20. Chapter 20

**Romance and the Fate of Equestria**

Like any young writer, I've been told a couple of times that I overuse the word "said", and should try replacing it with more colorful alternatives. As I write this story, I'm starting to realize that I'm finally running into the opposite problem: using the "colorful alternatives" too often to the point that it's douchey and pretentious.

Pretty cool, huh? I've never been douchey and pretentious before. That's what they call growth as a writer.

**Chapter Twenty**

Twilight sucked on the tip of a quill as she leaned against the bar at Sugarcube Corner, one hoof placed on the buckle of her saddlebag in case inspiration struck her.

"Hey, Bangs."

"Oh… hi, Gilda," Twilight said nervously as the griffon hauled herself onto the stool next to hers.

Both of them flinched as a spray of metal five-pointed stars zipped in between the two of them, perfectly hitting the dead center of three targets which were set up above the front door.

Gilda raised an eyebrow at Twilight. "I… don't suppose you have any idea…?"

"Where Pinkie even gets shuriken? Yeah, she's got a guy. I don't know why she needs so many, but at some point you stop asking questions when it comes to Pinkie."

"Booyah!" Pinkie growled. "Nothing but perfect bullseyes!"

Twilight looked into the room behind the bar. There was no sign of Pinkie.

"Um… Pinkie, where are you?"

"I know, right? I totally could've been a ninja, if only I had any control over the pitch and volume of my voice…"

"Well, anyway," Gilda said. "Here—your cut." She passed an envelope, sealed with an image of Twilight's face, to Twilight.

"Oh! Thanks," Twilight said. "Business has been good, I hope?"

"See for yourself."

Twilight opened the envelope and looked over her check. Her eyes widened. "Whoa… this is like a 400-percent return."

"Damn straight," Gilda said smugly. "Enjoy it."

"I _knew_ Golden Thread would spread like wildfire," Twilight said, beaming. "Think I'll keep putting more in."

"Thanks, dude. I've got a feeling I could have made even better profits, but…" Gilda trailed off, leaning back.

"What?" Twilight asked curiously.

"The store itself is a big hit," Gilda muttered. "But me, as an individual, I've kinda gotta salvage my reputation. The whole town watched me blow up at Party Girl over here. And she's cool with it—we're cool, right Party Girl?"

"Oh, absolutely," said Pinkie, who was suddenly at the bar directly across from Gilda. "Unless you've been yelling at Fluttershy again—have you?" She stared at Gilda, her eyes less than an inch away from the griffon's, but without a trace of malice or scorn in her expression.

"'Course not," Gilda said, unfettered. She held up a second envelope, this one with Pinkie's face. "Return on your investment."

"Thank you!" Pinkie said, grabbing the envelope with her teeth. "Your usual?"

"Please."

"Okay!" Pinkie zipped away.

Gilda smirked fondly at Pinkie. "…But the rest of the town isn't quite as forgiving," she finished.

Twilight shrugged. "Hey, if Pinkie endorses you, your reputation can't stay bad for that long."

"I hope so," Gilda said absently. "Hey, you seen Dash lately?"

"In what capacity?"

"I dunno, I just think lately she's been acting… glum. She seem glum to you?"

Twilight considered it. "I don't think so. Why?"

"Ah, it's probably nothing," Gilda said. "You know how she's hanging with… what's her name, I just heard it… the peeper with the butterflies, and her huge-ass boyfriend? Them. She hangs out with them, but she doesn't look like she enjoys it. 'Specially when they start to get all cozy. I don't know why the girl is always inviting Dash along, if they're gonna do that, but, meh."

Twilight nodded thoughtfully. "Hmm, you know, Rainbow did mention that she once had feelings for Big Macintosh," she said, concerned. "Maybe she still does… maybe she's feeling jealous. We should probably do something before it gets out of control."

"Or," Gilda said flippantly, "maybe she likes the peeper and is jealous of the huge dude. Could go either way, y'know? Even odds, really."

Twilight rolled her eyes. "You know, I'm quite sure Rainbow Dash is sick of everybody always assuming that she's bisexual. So she experimented when she was young, everypony does that… um, apparently. I wouldn't know, I had _no_ social life as a filly, but my point is—"

"Dude, I'm not—" Gilda tried to say.

"It's a rather ugly stereotype, don't you think? Just because she's athletic and has a very hooves-on job and likes getting her hooves dirty—"

"No, it's—"

"And sure, she listens to hard rock and sometimes wears a ball cap and has that sort of raspy, smoky voice, none of that should imply that she's anything but—"

"DUDE!" Gilda snapped. "Just… just look at this." She held up a piece of paper with a professional drawing of Rainbow Dash along the top margin.

"What's that?"

"It's Dash's résumé. Read the heading."

"_Rainbow Dash: pegasus, female, age 27, bisexual._ …Oh. Huh. I guess that's why you thought… she probably is, then." She tilted her head. "Who puts that on their résumé?"

"She's proud of it. And why shouldn't she be?" Gilda leered pointedly at Twilight.

"Right," Twilight muttered. "Good for her… so, you want me to talk to her about this jealousy thing?"

"Nah, I can do it."

"I'll do it," Twilight insisted.

"Whatever," Gilda said. "So, another thing, Bangs—actually, I should probably start calling ponies by their real names. Smiley, was it?"

"It's Twilight, actually. Twilight Sparkle. Smiley's just what my boyfriend calls me. 'Cause I can't stop… you know, smiling." She giggled. "He makes me happy."

"Um, right…" Gilda said, oddly disconcerted. "Sorry, I just have to ask at this point—how do you pony-types even _begin_ to distinguish cutesy nicknames from your actual names?"

Twilight shrugged. "Easy: Twilight Sparkle is my name, nothing else is."

"…Ah," Gilda retorted.

"No, it's a good question," Twilight said. "Since the dawn of time, ponies have used a different naming convention than other species… in that other species actually _use_ names, rather than stringing two or three words together and calling them names. You, my friend, have just put your talon on something that almost no one knows: name science, the magic of ponies' names being inherently meaningful, and inexorably bound to our destinies. And this doesn't just apply to birth names, but any name we go by, anything we choose to call ourselves.

"Take, for example, Applejack. As a filly, she moved to the big city. She came back, of course, but let's say that one day she might have said, 'I just don't feel like an Applejack anymore. I'm Orangejack from now on'. Just that statement alone would have set her destiny on a new path."

"No kidding?"

"Yup. And it even affects ponies whose names are lifted from other cultures. You've heard of Trixie Lulamoon?"

"The cruddy illusionist?"

"That's her. And that's her birth name: Trixie. A griffon's name, if I'm not mistaken, but it was still under the influence of pony magic, still led her to a career of doing 'tricks'. It always works out, somehow. I grew up with a guy named Joe. The most unassuming, un-pony-ish name in existence. He now runs a donut shop, where a frequent order is a 'cup of joe'. So you see. You just can't circumvent the magic of names."

"That… is actually pretty cool," Gilda admitted. "I actually find that interesting."

Pinkie popped up from behind the bar. "So hey, how does name science explain 'Pinkamena Diane Pie'?"

Twilight blinked silently a couple of times. "…No clue," she finally confessed. "If I had to guess, even factoring in that you exclusively go by 'Pinkie Pie', either way it's the rare kind of name where anything can happen." She looked over Pinkie, head to hoof. "…And does," she added affectionately.

"Cool," Pinkie said. "Here, Gilda…" She heaved a massively heavy dish onto the counter. "Powdered donuts and pancakes, smothered and deep-fried together in a shell of chocolate syrup."

Twilight gazed at the dish in horror. "That's your usual?" she demanded.

"I work out a lot," Gilda said simply. "I deserve it."

"That might completely negate the working out," Twilight muttered.

"Nobody asked you, nerd. Now listen, 'cause this is important…"

A box of cereal suddenly flew by both of their heads, landing on the floor and skidding across the hardwood. Gilda and Twilight looked at it in surprise; a shuriken was embedded in it.

"Yes!" Pinkie said triumphantly. "I have perfected the ancient ninjutsu art of not only hitting the target where you want to hit him, but making the target _land_ where you want him to!"

Twilight turned back to Gilda. "You were saying?"

"…I don't remember," Gilda said blankly. "Oh, right—" She pointed a finger accusingly at Twilight. "You. Stop trying to figure out the secret."

Twilight watched Pinkie as she crossed the floor to retrieve the cereal box. "Which secret," she said absently, "that Pinkie is a prolific cereal killer?"

"I should hope I'd be prolific, that's what 'serial' means," Pinkie said brightly.

"Um, yeah," Gilda muttered. "But what I meant was, if I might dig around in your saddlebag for a sec—" She thrust a claw into Twilight's bag.

"Hey!" Twilight exclaimed.

Gilda pulled out a tangle of Golden Thread and slammed it on the counter. "Knew it," she said darkly. "You lifted some raw Thread. You're trying to figure out what it is and where it comes from."

Twilight shrugged. "Personally, I think that says more about _you_ than about me, friend. I have a lot of stake in this stuff, I deserve to know what it is. We all do. Dash doesn't even know, does she? And it's as much her business as yours."

"Nopony needs to know," Gilda growled.

"I beg to differ."

"Whoa, easy there, girls," Pinkie said hastily. "You don't want this turn into 'BTBOHE'."

Twilight blinked. "Um… what's that, 'By the Blades of Her Eyes'? The Przewalski song?"

"Yeah," Pinkie said, looking at their blank expressions. "It's on all the time. Don't you listen to the lyrics?"

"…No," Gilda and Twilight said together.

"Oh come on, you knoooow," Pinkie said patiently, "it's about a girl who doesn't trust her business partners. It doesn't end well for her."

Gilda raised an eyebrow. "I thought it was a tragic love song."

"Well, that too. It's got multiple storylines."

"I gotta look into these alleged lyrics," Twilight murmured.

"Look," Gilda said tersely, "I'll handle the retrieval of the Golden Thread, you all just sit back and enjoy the profits."

"Unacceptable," Twilight declared. "Why won't you tell? Huh? Is it illegal? That makes all of us liable. Can you have that on your conscience? Or, what, is it dangerous? Then we have a duty to keep it away from the public, don't we? And… and away from you. If you're doing something dangerous to get it, we can't help you if you never reveal it."

"I don't need your help," Gilda snarled.

"Really? I seem to recall you came here to Ponyville because you needed our money," Twilight said, sneering. "But you don't need our _help_. Sure."

Gilda fumed for a few seconds, then grabbed the clump of Thread. "This is all strictly need-to-know," she declared. "The only ones who need to know are my supplier and myself. And yes, I just dropped a cryptic clue about a supplier of some sort, but that's all you're getting. Later, _partners_." She stalked out of the bakery, the Thread clutched in her talon.

"…BUT YOU DIDN'T EAT YOUR USUAL!" Pinkie called after her.


	21. Chapter 21

**Romance and the Fate of Equestria**

Edited a couple of chapters. In chapter 13, I made Princess Luna's speech patterns… _less_ authentically Elizabethan, but more readable. Don't bother to check, the change is pretty much imperceptible unless you've got the chapter memorized. Which you don't. I'm a longtime student of Shakespeare, and I might have gone overboard. I will, however, use the word "wherefore" correctly at some point. I love doing that. Hint: it doesn't mean "where".

Not that it was all that authentic to begin with; after all, I had her use "thee/thou" pronouns when referring to all three Crusaders at once, but if I'd done it right then she'd have been using "you" pronouns for almost the whole scene. No fun at all.

Also, in chapter 15, I changed the spelling of the names of Przewalski's band members. Three of them rhymed, but were spelled quite differently, for the "Huey, Dewey, and Louie" effect. Then I started wondering whether the names as I had spelled them actually rhymed. I decided it was easier and funnier if they were spelled the same. As for the obvious question: will Przewalski ever be important to the story? The answer is, maybe. But probably not.

**Chapter Twenty-One**

Sweetie Belle skipped down the streets of Ponyville. "_I'm in charge of the play_," she sang. "_And we're all gonna have so much fun…_"

Apple Bloom trailed behind her, looking a bit annoyed. "You know, considering _my_ project is a paradigm-shifting miracle that's gonna change all of ponydom forever, we sure do take a lot of breaks from it."

"Oh, lighten up, Apple Bloom," Scootaloo said. "The play is more likely to get Sweetie her cutie mark. We've got no guarantee that your thing will. It has nothing to do with, you know, our _names_."

"I know, it might not get any of us our cutie marks," Apple Bloom said. "I'll be honest with ya, it probably won't. But it's still important."

"Don't worry, Apple Bloom," Sweetie Belle said, hopping backward to the other two. "I've got a plan to integrate your thing with my thing."

"You do?" Apple Bloom said, surprised.

"Yeah, I'll tell you about it in a minute," Sweetie said. "First, we've got to take care of just one little thing, for my thing…"

"And what might that be?"

"Featherweight," Sweetie Belle said contemptuously, "somehow got himself the leading role _again_. I'm heading over to his house to give him a piece of my mind. He's gonna learn how to project his voice if it kills him! This performance has to go off without a hitch…"

She came upon a house, hopped up its front steps, and knocked. After a few seconds, Featherweight opened the door and poked his head out curiously.

"Hello, Featherweight," Sweetie said brightly. "So, I hear you've gotten yourself the role of Prince Coináge. Congratulations."

Featherweight nodded.

"Well," Sweetie went on, "I'm directing and also will be playing Princess Coraletta opposite you. I hoped we could talk about… where are you going?" Featherweight had opened his door wider and retreated into his house. "Are you offering me something to drink? Um, okay… yeah, I guess I could come in for a minute." She entered the house, shutting the door behind herself.

"What just happened?" Scootaloo wondered.

"I don't know," Apple Bloom said. "But hey—we've got my thing and Sweetie Belle's thing, so what do you want your thing to be?"

"Uh, name science, duh?" Scootaloo said condescendingly. "Am I the only one who listened to Princess Luna's advice?"

"Obviously not, since I'm working to fulfill the _important part_ of what she told us."

"No, no, the important part is name science," Scootaloo said.

"Were we listenin' to the same princess?"

Scootaloo fumed for a second, then calmed down. "Look, she wouldn't have given us two pieces of advice that opposed each other. We probably need to do both."

Apple Bloom nodded. "There we go, now we're talkin'. That's the best idea you've had since… actually, I think it's the first good idea you've ever had."

"Oh, stick it up your nose," Scootaloo grumbled.

Sweetie Belle emerged from Featherweight's house. "How'd it go?" Scootaloo asked. "Are you gonna give him personal voice lessons?"

"Hmm?" Sweetie said absently. "Oh, we never really got around to talking about that. We just chatted over some fruit punch, and he gave me lots of compliments, and I'm pretty sure he's my boyfriend now, so, yeah." She started skipping again, in ever-widening circles.

"…What?" Apple Bloom said blankly.

"This is no good," Scootaloo said quietly. "If she doesn't confront him about his voice, he'll ruin the whole play. And if the show goes bad, she'll never get her cutie mark."

"You're right," Apple Bloom said, chewing on her bottom lip. "Maybe we should go in there and talk to him?"

"And come out looking like _her_?" Scootaloo said, gesturing to Sweetie Belle. "No thank you."

Sweetie Belle skipped around them, singing, "_I have a boyfriend, a cooly-cool boyfriend_…"

Apple Bloom eyed Featherweight's front door with apprehension. "Maybe we'll be immune to his evil charming psionic mind-control gaze attack if we're expecting it."

"You know what, let's just skip it," Scootaloo said. "Think about this: a duet between Sweetie and Featherweight is pretty much just Sweetie singing a solo. That can only be a good thing."

"True enough," Apple Bloom said.

-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-

Cheerilee swept the stage of Ponyville's outdoor theater, maintaining it as she took it upon herself to do after every season's school production. She silently worked for a few minutes, until Crazyface dropped from the ceiling and landed right behind her.

Cheerilee shrieked and jumped away. "Oh, Mr. Crazyface… you scared me!"

He saluted her. "Here to help you, Miss Cheerilee. Gotta get everything set up for rehearsal!"

Cheerilee nodded. "Allow me to say that we're all grateful to have a seasoned professional such as yourself here to support our play. Sweetie Belle especially is quite eager to have a mentor for her directorial debut."

"Oh, think nothing of it," Crazyface said. "Children's theater is what I do, though allow _me_ to say that only rarely does it afford me the opportunity to meet such a _gorgeous_ young teacher…" He wrapped a front leg around her shoulders.

Cheerilee giggled nervously. "Mr. Crazyface, stop it…"

"Don't be coy, Miss Cheerilee. I get the feeling we'll be—"

"No, seriously, _stop it_," Cheerilee said, her expression suddenly stern. "You're making me extremely uncomfortable."

Instantly, he sprang backwards. "Sorry! Sorry, I… I didn't mean…"

"That's quite all right," Cheerilee said, detached.

He looked around as an awkward silence hung over them. "So, uh… are we cool?"

"Yes, Mr. Crazyface."

"Okay, good," he said in relief. "Again… sorry."

"Don't let it bother you," she said.

They were silent for another several minutes.

"Oh, look, here's our director!" Cheerilee said, brightening.

"Thank goodness," Crazyface muttered.

The Crusaders had appeared at the back row of theater seats, and Crazyface hastily flew over to them.

"How'd it go, darling?" he said. "Do all of my casting choices around town agree with your grand vision?"

"Yes, Mr. Crazyface," Sweetie Belle said.

"Around _town?_" Cheerilee repeated. "But this is the _school_ play."

"Yes, and all the little ones shall have a role to play, onstage or behind it," Crazyface said. "But I thought a bit of adult touch to certain characters might give us a degree of professionalism and respectability."

Cheerilee frowned, until Sweetie Belle walked up to her. "It's fine, Miss Cheerilee, I agree with him," she said. "I want you to play Azalea Hyacinth. Would you be willing?"

The teacher looked at Sweetie Belle fondly. "Certainly, Sweetie Belle. If that's what you want, I'm honored. But isn't Azalea Hyacinth traditionally played by a unicorn? For special effects purposes?"

"Oh, don't worry about that, Miss Cheerilee," Sweetie Belle said. "By the time the performance comes, we Crusaders will have you and your special effects covered."

Apple Bloom gasped. "I see what you're saying! That's how you're putting our thing in your thing!"

Sweetie nodded. "Yep, with the stuff in our… thing."

"Sweetie Belle, you're a genius!" Apple Bloom proclaimed. "An evil genius!"

"Aw, _you_'re the evil genius, Apple Bloom."

"We're two evil geniuses!" Apple Bloom said, hugging Sweetie Belle.

"Yay!"

Scootaloo scowled. "_Two_ evil geniuses? What does that make me?"

"Oh, you're the hunchbacked pony/chicken hybrid that carries around our stuff," Apple Bloom said dismissively.

Scootaloo glared furiously.

"I'm just kiddin', we're _three_ evil geniuses!" Apple Bloom said jovially. She tugged Scootaloo into a hug, and all three Crusaders pranced around in a circle.

"CUTIE MARK CRUSADERS EVIL GENIUSES YAAAAY!" they cried out.


	22. Chapter 22

**Romance and the Fate of Equestria**

**Chapter Twenty-Two**

Big Macintosh lifted his head off of his pillow. The farmhouse was dark and quiet; he was sure that the rest of the Apples were asleep and that he could slip downstairs and out the door without any of them being the wiser.

He padded down the stairs—he had always been deceptively stealthy for his size. He was halfway across the living room when a lantern flared up. He froze in his tracks and beheld Granny Smith on her rocking chair, looking directly at him.

"Howdy there, Big Mac," she squawked.

"…Hey," he said, remaining motionless and only looking at her out of the corner of his eye.

She looked him up and down, smiling as she rocked. "You got somethin' to hide, son?"

"Nope," he said hastily.

"Goin' to see that pretty pegasus girl who talks to animals?"

"Eeyup."

"Is tonight the night?"

He gaped and blinked at her. "Mmmmmaybe?" he said cautiously.

She nodded and continued rocking. Big Mac flinched a little at each squeak.

"So, uh, can I go?" he asked.

"You a full-grown stallion, you can do whatever you want, boy," Granny replied.

"Okay!" he said. "Uh, see you later."

"You two are real cute," Granny said.

"Aw, thanks."

"You remember to treat her like a lady."

"Of course, Granny."

"Even when she's beggin' you to dig into her like a wild animal."

"GRANNY!" he gasped, mortified.

"Eeeeehehehehehe!"

He rushed out the door and slammed it behind him to cut out the sound of her uproarious cackling.

"Crazy old lady," he grumbled.

-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-

Big Mac arrived at Fluttershy's cottage with a rose on his disembodied lapel and a bouquet of flowers. He knocked on the door, and Fluttershy appeared, wearing a diaphanous dress of cream-colored lace.

"Hi, Big Mac," she whispered.

"Howdy," he said, passing her the bouquet. When she took it, every flower transformed into a butterfly one by one, and they all started flying toward the moon.

"Wow," Fluttershy breathed. "That's extraordinary…" She smirked at him. "So whose magic is this? Twilight? Rarity?"

"Rarity," he said.

"But it was all _your_ idea, of course," she said.

"Eeyup. Completely."

"I love it," she said, nuzzling him with her face.

He kissed her forehead. "So, where we goin' to eat?"

"Oh… right here, of course," she said. She opened her door wider and revealed her living room: the dark room was lit only by candles and the fireplace, by which a full dinner and a bottle of wine were resting on a blanket.

"Well, hey," he said, walking into the house. "It's all right here in your livin' room, huh?"

"Well, not _just_ the living room," she said softly. "The bedroom too, and the laundry room if there's any time."

He turned his head to look at her in surprise.

"…Did I just say that out loud?" she muttered.

"Eeyup."

She squeezed her eyes shut. "Agh, I can't believe I said that… I mean, I knew tonight was gonna be, you know, but… aaaaaagh, damn it…"

"Hey, take it easy now," he said, gently touching her chin with his hoof. "How 'bout we just have dinner, huh?"

She gave a tiny smile. "Right. Dinner. A very good place to begin. Funny thing, though. I'm certain… which is amazing, because I'm never certain about anything… that this is right. That this is what's supposed to happen."

He rubbed his nose against hers. "I love you, Fluttershy."

-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-

As the night grew colder, the wind blew, detaching the blossoms from a cherry tree on Fluttershy's property. As the blossoms twisted through the air, so did a pair of squirrels chase each other all over the tree. A bird returned home to his nest and family.

And in Fluttershy's house, Big Mac lay on his back on Fluttershy's bed, while Fluttershy herself snuggled her body into the fur on his chest.

Neither of them said anything. Being silent was a natural state for both of them; their relationship had thrown them out of their comfort zone. But now, after this night that changed everything, they each found that the best approach was to revert to their normal selves.

"Fluttershy," Big Mac whispered.

"Yeah?" she replied, opening her eyes.

"Can you do somethin' for me?"

"Sure."

"You… taught me somethin'," he said. "Somethin' I thought I'd never learn. And you… you still got a chance to teach it to everypony in Equestria. Can you do that? Teach Equestria what you taught me… how to love."

He stopped speaking then; his eyes closed and his head dropped onto the pillow.

Fluttershy lifted her head in alarm. "Did you just die?" she demanded.

He snored.

"Okay, just checking," she said softly. "Teach Equestria how to love? What could that… oh. Of course."

She delicately removed herself from his embrace, and lit a lantern, as dimly as she could to prevent waking him. She produced a quill and some parchment.

"I know the answer now," she said softly. "It was 'no' before, because… I didn't know, I didn't have all the pieces together, just most of them. But now… yes. The answer is 'yes'."

She touched quill to paper. Once she started, she couldn't stop. She wrote through the night, for she was committing to paper everything she'd ever held in her heart, if not her mind.

-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-

Early the next morning, Fluttershy rang the doorbell of Rainbow Dash's majestic cloud house. After a few seconds, she heard the distinct sound of Rainbow rolling out of bed and dragging her hooves across the cloudy floor.

"Whoever's out there, you better have a damn good reason for waking me up at seven in the morning," she growled.

"Sorry," Fluttershy called. "I was just… wait a minute, you're the weather supervisor. You're _always_ up at seven."

"Well, I arbitrarily decided that today, I didn't _want_ to get up that early, so stick that in your pipe and smoke it," Rainbow grumbled. She opened the door, and her eyes darted sleepily over Fluttershy's entire form. "Somepony got some last night," she said dryly.

"YES!" Fluttershy said gleefully, rushing to embrace Rainbow Dash and pushing her back into her house. "I wanted you to be the first to know, because you've always supported me and believed in me and pushed me to my limits…"

"Yeah, I did do that, didn't I?" Rainbow said thoughtfully.

Fluttershy beamed expectantly. "…Well?"

"Well what?"

"Come on, we went to camp together," Fluttershy said patiently. "We both know that I have a name that easily lends itself to cruel schoolyard nicknames, so what'll it be? Fluttertramp? Flutterho? Come on, hit me with your best shot."

Rainbow shrugged. "I was gonna go for 'Sluttershy', actually."

"Oh," Fluttershy said. "Well, that's… that's actually clever, unlike what I said. I feel embarrassed, now, that that's all I could come up with… that was lame."

"Well, you gotta leave the cruel schoolyard nicknames to the experts," Dash said cheerfully.

"Yeah, you're probably right," Fluttershy admitted. "So I'm Sluttershy. Yay!"

Rainbow continued to look at Fluttershy's new posture with interest. "You, uh… don't actually think you're a tramp, do you?"

"Oh, no, no, of course not," Fluttershy said. "I'm not ashamed; I slept with my steady boyfriend. My mother always used to say that's what ponies are supposed to do."

"Yeah, your mother's full of little nuggets of fake wisdom like that," Rainbow Dash said. "So, what are you and Big Mac gonna do now?"

"Beats me, but check this out!" Fluttershy said, holding up some seventy sheets of parchment.

"What's that?"

"It's Iron Will's kindness seminar!" Fluttershy said excitedly, passing the entire document to Dash. "I was up all night writing it. Something about all I've done with Big Macintosh, it really… inspired me. I hope he hasn't already found somepony to write it for him."

"Hmm…" Dash said, flipping through the pages. "If he _has_ found somepony, I think it's safe to say that they're fired. This… this is… I mean, wow. This isn't just a kindness seminar. This is a crash course in embodying all of the Elements of Harmony."

"Oooh, you're right!" Fluttershy said excitedly. "I hadn't thought of that. I should re-write it that way, with equal amounts of time for each Element… I'll even give it a new title to reflect that! Yeah!"

"Oh, sure," Rainbow agreed.

"But I think I'll send this one to him as a first draft," Fluttershy said, more to herself than to Rainbow. "Yeah, just so he knows I'm up for it. I hope he likes it… I don't even care if he pays me. I just want to get my voice heard… I can make all of Equestria a sweeter place to live. I'll see you later, Rainbow Dash. I've gotta mail this off."

She absently floated out of Rainbow Dash's house.

"Yeah, go change the world, pal," Rainbow whispered. She realized she was still holding Fluttershy's writing. "Hmm, wonder how long it'll take you to realize you don't have it… ah, well." She set it aside. "How about that, eh? Who'd have thought losing it would make her all self-confident and stuff? I guess when it's the right pony… Yep. The right pony… for _her_. Big Mac and Fluttershy… didn't seem real until, like… just now, now that they've… uh-huh. Great day for Fluttershy… and sucks to be me."

-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-

**Endnotes**

Sometimes I do stuff that's not for the readers; it's just for me. This chapter is loaded with such things, which is why this has been my favorite chapter to write even if it's not quite my best work. For starters, "stick that in your pipe and smoke it" has recently become my favorite expression, so I was glad for the chance to throw it in. Then there was Big Mac's speech. After I wrote it, I realized that I'd taken a guy falling asleep after making love—something which is impossible to take seriously—and made it sound like a guy's last words before dying. What do I do after such a narmy blunder? I lampshade it, of course. The sentence "Did you just die?" floated right out of my fingers, bringing to mind many a game of make-believe from my childhood. Good times.

And, finally… sometimes, I wonder whether this entire story, with all its plotting and complexity, was nothing but an excuse to somehow get Big Macintosh to say "maybe". That was very satisfying.


	23. Chapter 23

**Romance and the Fate of Equestria**

**Chapter Twenty-Three**

Skippmud strolled into the Golden Thread store, a large pickle on a stick dangling out of her mouth and a briefcase slung over her shoulder. She approached Gilda, who was restocking a shelf. Skippmud cleared her throat.

Gilda assumed a monstrous attack stance and hissed, "Helloooo, food-creature." She quickly straightened up, businesslike. "What can I do for ya, ma'am?"

"I'd like to talk to the proprietors," Skippmud said.

Gilda looked her over with suspicion, then shrugged. "Yeah, okay. That's me and my partner. Dash, come here a minute."

Rainbow Dash flew over, and Skippmud's lip thinned. "Oh… it's you."

"What does _that_ mean, 'oh it's me'?" Rainbow scoffed. "What'd I ever do to you? We were having a perfectly normal and civil conversation when you went all lawyery on me."

Gilda looked down her beak at Skippmud. "A lawyer, are you?"

Skippmud nodded and set down her briefcase, taking a nibble on her pickle. "Skipper-of-the-Mud, attorney-at-law. You can call me Skippmud."

"That's pretty consonant-intensive, isn't it?" Rainbow Dash said. "How about we go shorter, call you Skipp?"

"When we've achieved a relationship of mutual adoration, _sure_ you can call me Skipp," Skippmud said through a toothy smile. "For now, you'll be professional and call me Skippmud, mkay? So, you two are in charge?"

"Sure are," Gilda said, gripping Rainbow's shoulder with a talon. "Whatcha want?"

"I first started seeing Golden Thread back in Canterlot," Skippmud said. "Cool stuff. Now… I understand you've got no patent on this product, no legal representation at all. True?"

"Pretty much," Gilda said. "I don't like getting pond scum on my talons."

"BA-HAHAHAHA!" Rainbow cackled.

Skippmud glowered. "Okay, well… be that as it may, I thought I'd take it upon myself to advise you a bit. Anypony could take this stuff, replicate it, resell it. If you accept my legal counsel, I can prevent that."

"That so?" Gilda said. "And what would this cost us?"

"For you?" Skippmud said smugly. "Pennies, my friend. Pennies. I can protect your product from theft and it won't cost you a damn thing. The slightest attempt at forgery of Golden Thread will be met with my legal expertise. I'll slaughter 'em! And for such successful entrepreneurs as yourselves, my legal fee is but a pittance."

"Hmm, tempting," Gilda said. "And my partner and I are supposed to believe that we don't need to do anything for this? That you'll take care of all of it for us?"

"Well…" Skippmud said delicately. "It _would_ be useful for security purposes, if you gave me all of the information you have on Golden Thread… like, say, _how_ exactly you produce it, that would be useful in any given case…" She stared at Gilda expectantly, casually sucking on the tip of her pickle.

"That's what I thought," Gilda sneered. "You're just trying to satisfy your curiosity about my product. It's never gonna happen."

"Suit yourself," Skippmud said quietly. "But when the ponies come, and they will, who dissect your stuff and sell it as their own… when that happens, you'll get no legal support from me. You'll be taken down hard."

Gilda leaned in and snapped her beak in Skippmud's face. "Listen close, you greasy-haired pickle-eating bitch, 'cause I won't be repeating myself—what Golden Thread is and where it comes from is strictly between me, and the voices in my head, and my super-powered evil alter ego. There's not a single thing on heaven or earth that can take my secret away from me. No one and nothing will ever replicate it. It's _safe_, damn it. Completely—freaking—safe."

Skippmud eyed Rainbow Dash. "_Her_ secret, is it? You don't know it either, then? Doesn't that bother you?"

"Hey, maybe it did at first," Dash admitted. "But let me explain… see, when Gilda first arrived in town with her Golden Thread, I was suspicious. We'd parted on pretty bad terms, and I wasn't so keen on giving her money just 'cause she asked. But then… she got me alone. She looked at her clawful of thread, and said, 'Dash, I need this… I need _you_'. That's when she really sold me, see… you just can't fake that kind of sincerity."

Rainbow looked at Gilda fondly. "As I've already explained to my friends, something's changed inside Gilda; something happened, I don't know what, that made selling Golden Thread with the help of friends the most important thing in the world to her… not financially, but on a personal level. And if she needs the support of a friend, I'll be the one to back her up on it. I will trust Gilda from Canterlot Castle all the way to the borders of Equestria… which, incidentally, is how far I can throw her."

"Oh, in your dreams," Gilda muttered, amused.

"So, yeah, sorry," Rainbow continued, smirking, "if supporting Gilda means not knowing the secret, I can live with that. Can _you?_ You should, 'cause it's none of your business. Point of fact: the 'business' belongs to me and Gilda. Bam!"

"Yeah," Gilda said, pleased. "So unless you're gonna buy something, get out of our store or I'll be having grilled lawyer for lunch."

"Hay yeah!" Rainbow said, holding up a hoof. Gilda slapped it triumphantly.

Skippmud scowled, then turned and left the store without a word. Twilight and Snicker-Snack were waiting for her in the street.

"Hey," Twilight said sympathetically. "Sounds like that didn't go too well. I tried to tell you, the secret is kind of Gilda's… sore spot. We've all tried to get her to spill, but I'm starting to think she'll take it to her grave."

"And you still let that horse-eating barbarian handle your money, do you?" Skippmud sneered. "Your girl's lacking in common sense, Snick."

"Well, I brought Gilda's secrecy up to Rainbow Dash, and she told me—"

"Yeah, yeah, most important thing in the world. I heard."

"Well, it's good enough for me," Twilight said. "Dash is well aware of all the factors, but she's standing by her claim that Gilda can do no harm… so, the rest of us are behind her as well. And griffons don't eat horses! They're a highly civilized culture, actually."

"Yeah, as civilized as anything else that kills for every meal," Skippmud said darkly.

"Skipp," Snicker-Snack cautioned.

Skippmud sighed. "Well, I guess that's Skippmud: zero, pent-up frustration: a hundred and thirty-two." She started walking away. "All I want is to be somepony's lawyer, is that too much to ask? I mean, it's the one thing I'm good at…"

Snicker-Snack watched her go, then turned back to Twilight. "She's a good one… Skipp, I mean. Really, she is."

"I would never say she wasn't," Twilight said. "If she's your friend… it's good that you stick by her. That's what my life is all about, sticking by friends. And I admire it in you. But, um… about that…"

"That's right, you wanted to talk to me about my friends. What's up?"

"Oh, nothing really," Twilight muttered. "It's just… I'm a bit concerned about them."

He tilted his head. "Why's that?"

"It's like they're trying to take over Ponyville," Twilight whispered anxiously. "Crazyface is roping the entire town into what should have been a run-of-the-mill school play, and Skippmud is steadily making a mockery of our legal system… is there anything you can do?"

Snicker-Snack shrugged. "Well, I'll talk to them about it, but it's not like I'm the one in charge. I have no real control over them."

"Of course!" Twilight said hastily. "Nopony should be expected to control their friends, of course. I was just… concerned. I said that already, right?"

"Yeah," he said thoughtfully. "Okay, I'll take care of that, and… well, here, let me alleviate your concern, if I may."

His horn glowed with his deep blue magic, and a small white sphere sprouted from the horn's tip. The orb slowly floated toward Twilight, hovered in front of her face as if inspecting her, then entered her head through a spot between her eyes.

Twilight inhaled deeply. The tense muscles of her back suddenly slackened—she hadn't even realized how stiffly she had been walking until she was forced to suddenly relax. At the same time, all of her obligations, worries, and plans seemed to fade… they were still present, but somehow seemed less important. She looked at Snicker-Snack through eyes that she now had difficulty keeping open.

"What… what did you do?" she wondered.

"Just relieved some of the tension on your mind," he said. "You were carrying a lot of stress, here… and here." He lifted a hoof to gently rub two spots on her scalp. "You're sweating the small stuff, Twilight, and that can be very unhealthy. So many ponies have the mindset of little things being so important… wherever I go, I try to get ponies to see how good life could be if they looked at the big picture."

Twilight stumbled, her relaxed muscles having trouble holding up her weight. "So, that's what you do… with your gift."

"Yeah," he said. "How's it feel?"

She rested her head on his shoulder and looked up at him. "Like a boss!" she answered happily, giddy from the rush of calm thoughts.

He chuckled and kissed her forehead. "I'll still talk to the guys, of course. I just didn't want you to worry."

Still being supported by him, she blurted out, "Do you… do you want to meet my family?"

Snicker-Snack smiled. "Of course I do, my little pony."

She gasped and stepped away. "How… how did you know…? I always wanted a boyfriend who called me 'my little pony'…"

"You did?"

"Well, no," she admitted. "'Cause I never actually wanted a boyfriend until… recently… but if I _did_, I'd want him to call me 'my little pony'. But I didn't actually know that I wanted that until just now when you… uh, when you said it. I… damn it, I am a gigantic dork."

Snicker-Snack draped a foreleg across Twilight's shoulder. "Yeah, but you're _my_ gigantic dork. Actually, as near as I can tell, you're a lot of ponies' dork."

"I'm what now?"

"You know… you're the dork mutually owned by many ponies," he said, laughing at his own complex rephrasing. "Me… How many years has it just been me and Crazyface and Skipp? Sometimes I feel like being their friend is more important than being 'me'… I'll grant you, their friendship is a wonderful gift. But you, and _your_ circle of friends… man, that's _extra_-special." He grinned. "I'm… glad to be a part of it."

"It's good to have you," Twilight said. "All my friends are special to me… more special to me than me. And I know that's how they feel too."

Snicker-Snack nodded solemnly. "So… your family, huh?"

"Yeah, I'll get that set up."

"Cool… way cool."


	24. Chapter 24

**Romance and the Fate of Equestria**

**Chapter Twenty-Four**

Rarity was sewing a luxurious blue dress with an overly long train, while Sweetie Belle hopped around the room, jabbering about… something. Rarity realized she had no idea, that she had starting tuning her sister out a while ago.

"And then we raced through the flowers and the orchards, and as the sun went down we started dancing…"

"I'm sorry Sweetie, I think I just zoned out just a second ago," Rarity lied. "What were you talking about, again?"

"Featherweight," Sweetie Belle said. When Rarity clearly didn't know what that meant, she exclaimed, "My boyfriend!"

"Boyfriend?" Rarity mused, returning to her sewing. "You can't have a boyfriend… you're, what, eight years old?"

Sweetie Belle gaped in absolute shock. "Rarity, I'm thirteen!"

"I _know_," Rarity grumbled. "I was teasing you. You should think about relaxing a little. So, your boyfriend Featherweight. What's his story, what's he all about?"

"Well, he's gangly and awkward and super-duper cute," Sweetie Belle gushed. "He runs the school newspaper, and we're playing the romantic leads in the play. Everypony says he's going to ruin the whole thing… they say he's too quiet and he can't act, but… but, well, erm… he's cute, what more do you want?"

"Okay, good," Rarity said, amused.

Sweetie Belle scowled. "You actually thought I was eight, didn't you?"

"Believe whatever you want," said Rarity, still smirking.

"I was hoping you could, um, give me a bit of help…" Sweetie Belle said quietly.

Rarity looked up. "Oh?"

"Well, I think I might have a potential problem," Sweetie Belle said. "Or… actually, I definitely have a problem, something that's been bothering me for a while."

"Is that so?" Rarity said. "Well, tell me all about it, little sister. How might I help?"

"It's Spike," Sweetie Belle said.

Rarity's eyes widened. "Spike?"

"Yeah," Sweetie Belle said, rolling her eyes. "It's just, for weeks now he's been sending me all these love notes and flirting with me… it's kind of ridiculous, and it's starting to wig me out…"

"WHAAAAT?"

"I know, right? I wouldn't even mention it, except I'm afraid it might scare Featherweight away if he ever finds out…"

"No, no, you were quite right to mention it," Rarity said, her face hardening into a dead serious mask of fury as she stepped around her sewing table. "I'm going to go track down that dragon and chew him out _thoroughly_ for this affront."

"R… really?" Sweetie Belle said. "Wow, I was just hoping you'd tell me how I should deal with him…"

"No, no," Rarity said. "I'll deal with him."

Rarity coldly stalked out of Carousel Boutiques; Sweetie Belle followed her, intrigued.

-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-

"SPIKE!"

Rarity kicked down the library doors. Twilight looked up from her desk in surprise, and Spike, standing in front of the open fridge, whirled around, as the white unicorn stormed through the lobby. Sweetie Belle was tagging along, still looking curious and excited.

"Rarity, what's going on?" Twilight demanded.

"Nothing that concerns you, Twilight," Rarity said. "I would have words with Spike."

Twilight blinked. "…So now Spike is a Thor villain?"

"And I'm the righteous avenging power of thunder on a stick, yes," Rarity said. "Spike, Sweetie Belle has brought it to my attention that you've been harassing her as of late."

"Harassing?" Spike demanded. He turned to Sweetie Belle, his face wounded. "All the adoration I've been heaping on you, and you call it _harassment_?"

"What else would I call it, Spike?" Sweetie Belle said quietly. "Haven't you noticed how much it bothers me? Can't you please stop?"

"Well… yeah," Spike admitted. "I've noticed your reaction has been… less than cordial. I just want to prove that I care about you, Sweetie Belle."

"You've proven it, now quit it," Sweetie Belle muttered.

"I'm highly disappointed, Spike," Rarity said. "I mean, I thought that what you and I had was special."

"That's r—wait, WHAT?" Sweetie Belle demanded. "Rarity! I thought you were coming here to defend me, not… not…"

Rarity ignored her sister. "Well, Spike?" she said.

"WHAT THE HAY, RARITY?" Sweetie Belle shrieked, her voice cracking.

"Yeah, Rarity," Spike said with disbelief. "What the flingin'-flangin' hay? Do we have a relationship that I don't know about?"

"I just… we were…" Rarity stammered. "I thought it was understood that… that I was your girl."

"Understood by who?" Spike said. "You couldn't have told me about this earlier? Like, back when I cared? Before I decided to quit you and move on with my damn life?"

"Spikey-wikey…" Rarity pleaded.

"Rarity… no," Spike said. "I've been trying to make sure that everything I do now, I do for Sweetie Belle."

"Gaaaaah, _don't_, Spike," Sweetie Belle said, flinching. "That's creepy."

"I'm sorry," Spike said. "I just… I don't know! I'm just a dragon with a heart full of love and caring, and I want to direct all of that positive energy _somewhere_. Why not toward a special filly?"

Rarity's face softened. "Oh…"

"Could you… could you possibly channel that energy toward something else?" Sweetie Belle said irritably.

"I don't know, like what?" Spike said.

"Just… pick something," Sweetie Belle said. "I mean, I have a boyfriend, Spike. Take a minute and imagine what'd happen if he found out what you've been saying to me."

"Fine, fine," Spike said. "You can do whatever you like, just because I have feelings for you, I'm not asking you to feel anything in return. I just want to be your guardian dragon."

"My what now?"

Spike bowed down solemnly. "Zecora told me once that some young dragons who live out in the wild become guardians… they choose a place or an individual that's sacred to them, and they make an oath to protect it all of their days." He stood up. "I mean, when she said it, it rhymed, but you get the idea."

"Please tell me you haven't already made the oath," Sweetie Belle said in horror.

"Well, no… I've been trying to warm you up to the idea," Spike admitted. "Hasn't really worked out…"

"Spike," Rarity gasped, lunging forward and dropping flat on her belly to get to below Spike's eye level. "I'll accept your guardianship, if you'd be willing. Swear your oath to protect _me!_ It'll be everything you ever wanted!"

"No it won't, Rarity," Spike said glumly. "I've spent a long time sorting through all the feelings and sensations I've been getting… I just can't see myself with you anymore, Rarity. I can't swear any oath of guardianship if it's not on Sweetie Belle. That's the only thing that seems right. Except that… that…"

"Except that it seems completely wrong?" Sweetie Belle said softly.

Twilight backed away from her desk. "Can I interject?"

"Yes, please do!" Rarity exclaimed. "We're in the middle of a serious friendship crisis, and you're the expert on that subject. We _need_ you to interject."

"That's true, Rarity," Twilight said, putting on a saddlebag and levitating several books into it. "I am indeed a pony who is currently dedicating her life to the study of the chaotic, unpredictable, terrible and beautiful forces of friendship and love. And as such, I can only say… that this is the stupidest thing I've ever seen in my life, and I can't listen to it for another second."

She finished packing her bag and started trotting out the door. "If you'll excuse me, I'm going to read up on _real_ relationship problems," she said condescendingly, "and I'll be doing so at a different location, preferably someplace quiet." Without looking at the other three, she lifted a hoof in salute. "Peace out."

The door swung shut behind Twilight with a tone of finality.

"That was… actually rather helpful," Rarity muttered. "We're all being absolute idiots. Or at least _I'm_ being an idiot… I'm an adult, ostensibly, and I should know better. And Sweetie Belle is being… well, an ungrateful brat-faced harpy, actually." Rarity glared at her sister. "Which is so unlike you, I should probably take you to Snicker-Snack so he can look you over and tell me what kind of horrific brain parasite you're sporting. But Spike… you're not being stupid at all. You are… absolutely golden. Don't change a thing, my sweet guardian dragon."

He beamed. "I wasn't planning to."

Sweetie Belle shot a glance at Rarity. "Listen, Spike…"

"No, you listen," Spike said. "I will be an honor-bound guardian dragon. Can't you see how I will do anything for you? Anything you ask at all?"

"Okay, what if I asked you to stay away from me?"

"…Except for that."

"Ugh, Spike!" Sweetie Belle exclaimed. "Why can't things go back to the way they were before? Where we were friends but you _weren't_ obsessed with me? I actually used to sorta like you, now… now, you're just… ugh. You know? Let's go back to the old times… like when we danced together at the wedding, it was just simple fun and nopony tried to declare eternal love to anypony."

"Well, that dance is what started it all, Sweetie Belle," Spike said, pained.

Sweetie Belle sighed and looked at Spike solemnly. "Then I wish I hadn't done it. In fact, I wish I'd never even given you a second glance, 'cause I guess that's all it takes to turn you into… this." She gnawed on her lip for a moment. "I'm… I'm leaving, Spike. Don't follow me. Please?"

She departed. Anguished, Spike curled up in a little ball right there on the carpet.

Rarity walked up to him and ruffled his spikes. "I'm so sorry, Spike…"

He sniffled. "What am I even doing?"

"You're giving your entire self to the one you love," Rarity said, stroking him with her hoof. "And not even caring what you get in return. Sweetie Belle can't see it, but I for one think you're being very heroic. Generosity isn't about gifts or sharing… it's about sacrifice. That's what you're exemplifying… and I couldn't be more proud of you if you were my own colt."

"That means a lot, Rarity," he said. "I… I just… I'm full to the brim, full to bursting, with love and caring, and… and… and…" He stood up and raised his claws, grasping for the correct word. When he found it, he sat back down, and gave it as a barely-whispered peep: "Affection."

Rarity nodded silently.

"Affection," he said again. He reached out with one of this claws and interlaced it with the other. "You know?"

_He feels he's been reduced to holding hands with himself,_ Rarity realized. Tears dripped from her eyes.

"Spike, why…?"

"I want to accomplish something!" Spike snarled, standing up and kicking the ground. "Fifteen years of living, and what do I have to show for it?"

"A great deal, Spike," Rarity insisted. "Just by existing, every day, as a good friend to many ponies, you accomplish more than any dragon could dream of. And fifteen years is _nothing_, Spike. How long do dragons live? Five thousand years? Ten thousand? Nopony knows for sure. You needn't be in any hurry."

"I don't _want_ to wait ten thousand years to get crap done!" Spike exclaimed. "I want to achieve things now! This, my life and who I am right now, can't be all I'm capable of, it just can't. I've given away as much affection as I could… to my olive tree—she's beautiful, Rarity, you should see her. And to Peewee… look at this…"

Spike held out a claw. An orb of red fire appeared, and exploded, revealing a fully-grown and magnificently plumed phoenix nearly twice Spike's height, standing weightlessly on his wrist.

Rarity gasped. "That's not Peewee, is it?"

"Yep," Spike said. "Turned out he wasn't malnourished; that's just how phoenixes make the transition into adulthood. Have you ever seen anything so majestic in all your life?" He scratched the bird under its chin, and Peewee cooed and nuzzled him. "But even with my pet and my plant, there's still so much freaking unused love inside me, it's making me insane… I need a special pony. That's the only thing that can fill the big gaping hole in my life."

Rarity tapped a hoof against her teeth. "Plant, pet, pony. That's beautiful. Isn't it from a book?"

"Yes," Spike said, pleased that she had realized this.

"A book whose central theme is sex addiction, if I'm not mistaken," Rarity said, frowning at him. "Hmph, maybe Twilight's right about your choice of reading material. What other kind of books are you preparing to read?"

"Does the phrase 'grimdark as buck' mean anything to you?"

"Oy vey. There's only been one book in all of history to receive that rating… tread carefully, Spikey-wikey."

Spike laughed mildly, and Peewee made a warbling noise which was probably laughter as well.

Rarity lifted a hoof and caressed Spike's face. "Sweetie Belle is a fool, a blind fool. I'll do what I can to make her come around… but she's her own pony, as are we all. Only she can truly sway herself."

Spike blinked away tears and smiled. "You'll really try? Like… talk me up, and stuff?"

"If that's what it takes, yes," Rarity whispered.

"Listen, Rarity, I'm sorry, I… I had no idea you, you know, actually…"

"Shh, don't apologize, Spike. I'm the one who's sorry. You were going to move on with your life, seek somepony who would truly appreciate you. Me, I sought to keep you under my charms until I could decide whether or not you were worthy… so who's more mature, who's more noble?" She smirked. "Sometimes I wonder whether I bear the Element of Generosity only because I was… available."

"Rarity?" Spike said, tilting his head in confusion.

She smiled and nuzzled him with her nose. "You're not the only one who was… changed… by a dance at the royal wedding. …I should go, I have work to do. See you later, Spike, and best of luck."

-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-

**Endnotes**

Something that may have raised an eyebrow: I've just established the Crusaders' age as 13, Spike's as 15. You may say, that's a bit old. You may ask, is this just some lame way to backpedal and explain why I have them behaving with varying degrees of newly-found "maturity" not seen in the show?

Well, yes, that's _totally_ what it is, but it's something else as well. Think about it: the first thing to run through all of our minds during the episode that explained cutie marks was, "Oh, that's totally not a metaphor for puberty or anything like that". So I've always seen the Crusaders as being in their pre- to early teens. Specifically, I'm establishing that seasons 1 and 2 actually took place over the course of two years—they were 11 when they founded the Crusaders, and are 13 now. Going from 11 to 13 is a pretty big jump, so I think it perfectly justifies the personality shifts—Apple Bloom's insight and Sweetie Belle's boy obsession would, in-universe, have come about quite abruptly.

Another note: think about the fact that Apple Bloom and Sweetie Belle both have adult sisters. Applejack and Rarity have got to be in their 20s, which means 13 is actually the _youngest_ I can make the Crusaders while keeping their family situation mildly plausible. It's still a stretch, that _both_ pairs of sisters are so far apart.

Of course, all of the above is said with the assumption that ponies age at the same rate as humans do. A dangerous assumption to make, and probably foolish, when you look at the development shown by such characters as Pipsqueak (implied to be under a year old) and the Cake twins (toddlers despite the explicitly-stated age of _a month_). But screw it, I'm crassly ignoring those. Tee hee. Come on, it's easier to pretend the aging process is equivalent to ours. Back me up on this.

As for Spike, I just put him down as being ten years younger than Twilight. (Twilight is usually depicted as the youngest of the Mane Six, and since they all got their cutie marks on the same day, she did so a bit prematurely—and that, of course, was the day Spike was born) And here's my take on the draconic aging process: he _is_, in fact, the equivalent of a 15-year-old human (or pony). The guys he hung out with in "Dragon Quest"? Not teenagers, but basically frat boys. In their 20s, officially adults ready to enter whatever passes for "society" among dragons. Regarding the small size of these guys, I've always been an advocate of one simple-but-awesome concept, used in a great deal of stories that feature dragons: that all dragons, regardless of age, are _still growing_. So if Spike is said to be a baby dragon, that's an assumption based on his relative size. If he needs a lot of naps and such, that's because he's growing… as are all dragons, which is why _all_ dragons sleep a lot.

Then again there's the birthday episode, which throws any "draconic aging process" ideas completely out of whack. But, meh.

So, hope you enjoyed this completely arbitrary commentary on aspects of this, my fan-verse, that probably won't come into play, ever. Hey, I've already kicked season 3 to the curb, why _shouldn't_ I completely disembowel the canon? Thanks for reading, folks.


	25. Chapter 25

**Romance and the Fate of Equestria**

**Chapter Twenty-Five**

The sun set over Canterlot. Princess Celestia flew alone over the city, diving down to settle on a rooftop—the rooftop where the statue of Discord stood in his twisted pose.

"Hello," she said. "I'm here, as you asked. So, are you going to talk?"

She listened.

"I didn't think so," she said. "You _know_ what's coming, Discord, you can't hide it from me."

She waited.

"Of course," she sneered. "You don't _want_ to hide it from me—you want to let slip _just_ enough to taunt me."

She snagged the back of his head and tugged his frozen, terrified face directly into hers.

"Your days of taunting me are over," she hissed. "Speak, and I may not judge you too harshly."

"Sister."

Celestia turned her head in alarm. Luna stood on the opposite end of the roof, gazing at her blankly.

"Oh… Luna," Celestia said. "I was just…"

Luna waved a hoof dismissively. "I've walked in on you doing stranger things. I thought I'd find you here… 'tis said you are often here in the first minutes of the night. Is't true you speakest with Discord? And is't true, the rumor that he speaketh back in your head?"

Celestia smiled. "Luna… may I remind you that I don't outrank you? I've asked you not to call me 'you' until you've become accustomed to calling everypony 'you'."

Luna blinked, then shrugged. "If that is thy wish, sister."

"Better," Celestia said. "To answer your question, yes. Discord and I have had a number of… let's say stimulating conversations… over the years he's been entombed."

"Truly?" Luna said, stepping up to the statue. She pressed a hoof to Discord's chest. "All I am getting are vague feelings of rage, and terror, and hate."

"That's distressing," Celestia said quietly. "Because I can hear his every thought… his every thought that he _wants_ me to hear, I should say. He projects his thoughts onto me and listens to mine in return… every second of every day… no matter where I am."

Luna gaped. "I… I cannot… but… _sister!_ 'Distressing' doth not begin to cover it! How long hath this been occurring?"

"I dunno, what year is it?" Celestia said flippantly.

Surprised by the question, Luna bowed down. "Why, 'tis the year one thousand and eleven, as the ponies of Equestria reckon time by the years of thine own rule, by way of—"

"Luna."

"Oh, I see. A rhetorical question. Meaning he hath been in thy head for…" She inhaled sharply. "No. No, it cannot be. Since our coronation?"

"Before that," Celestia said.

"Our ascension to true immortality? …The moment of his defeat?"

"Keep going," Celestia said tonelessly.

"The game," Luna breathed. "Since the game."

"Every single second of my life since the game began," Celestia confirmed. "And that includes the day he escaped last year…"

"Wherefore didst thou never tell anypony?" Luna demanded, her eyes wide and full of tears. "Wherefore… wherefore didst thou never tell _me_?"

"I assumed it was happening to you as well, and that it'd come up when it came up," Celestia said. "It never did until just now."

Luna leapt upon her sister with a crushing hug. "Oh Tia! Why wouldst thou wish to suffer alone so?"

Celestia laughed. "Please—when was the last time you _actually_ called me Tia? Don't start now." She eyed the statue and knocked a hoof against it dismissively. "It's quite all right, Luna. When something's been going on for a thousand years straight, you get used to it. I've dealt with it for the majority of my life, I can continue dealing with it. Honestly, I don't know how I'd cope if it went away, it's such an integral part of my psyche."

Luna glared at the statue. "'Tis true that thou canst see and hear all that goes on around thee, ay? Then hear my words, demon: prison in stone is too good for thee. I should shatter thee where thou dost stand."

"Luna… don't," Celestia said, smiling. "You can't destroy him—entropy is as much a part of the universe as harmony. To maintain universal balance, we need him alive. Anyway, he can do no harm." She glared. "Sure, he won't tell me what he knows of the force moving through Equestria, the storm coming… but I don't need him to figure it out for me. Come, sister, let's read the signs ourselves."

"A storm, sister?" Luna inquired.

"Yes, something approaching that Equestria shall have to deal with," Celestia confirmed. "I feel it in the wind, in the rotation of the earth… and in my very blood. You must know what I'm talking about, sister. Surely you've seen the signs in your beautiful stars?"

Luna looked up into the sky. "Hmm… perhaps thou art correct. I have been observing the odd behavior of the wandering stars. Behold…" She fired up her magical aura and used it to point to four planets. "Venus… Saturn… Pluto… and Goofy, falling out of their common order to configure with one another."

"So what does that mean for—?" Celestia paused, blinked, and turned to stare at her sister with a raised eyebrow. "Goofy?"

Luna chuckled. "I kid. But observe…" She touched the sky with her aura again. "The first three wanderers I mentioned, forming a perfect equilateral triangle. And Mars, at the exact center of the same triangle."

Celestia squinted at the sky. "Are you sure? I don't see it."

"Unsurprising, sister. 'Tis well-known that thou canst not see in the dark worth crap."

"Fair enough," Celestia admitted. "I'll take your word for it." She continued to stare. "No, wait, I really don't want to have to take your word for it—I want to _see_ this, can we get a telescope down here?"

"Oh, no telescope can see what I see," Luna whispered. "Few could gain such a clear picture, and even fewer would know the significance… the signs of conflict and agony painted across the sky with delicate strokes."

"Can you be more specific?"

"Um… actually, no. I'd like to explain what I see with more clarity… but I do not believe I can."

"Neither can I," Celestia muttered. "Ah, well, nothing for it. If it were close enough to be anything to worry about, we would be able to interpret what the signs actually meant. It's… far off. Too far off to be of concern."

"All the same, let us keep a close eye upon the signs," Luna said solemnly.

"Yes, let's," Celestia agreed.


	26. Chapter 26

**Romance and the Fate of Equestria**

**Chapter Twenty-Six**

Fluttershy and Big Macintosh helped the Cutie Mark Crusaders set up a number of strange blinking and twirling machines in the barn at Sweet Apple Acres. At the center of all the machines stood Cheerilee, hooked up to a series of wires and monitors.

"Wow, Cheerilee," Fluttershy commented. "That's a lot of equipment attached to you there."

Cheerilee shrugged. "Eh, beats teaching."

Scootaloo frowned. "Wait, what?"

"I'm kidding, Scootaloo. It's a teacher joke. I actually love teaching, you know that."

"Don't worry yourself about all the attachments on you," Apple Bloom said. "These machines don't actually do anything, it's just to make everythin' look cool. This'll be simple, Miss Cheerilee, simple and fun."

"Okay, then," Cheerilee said, smiling.

Rainbow Dash stealthily watched these proceedings from the highest window of the barn.

"Rainbow Dash!"

Rainbow whirled around. Applejack was down on the ground, looking up and scowling at her.

"Oh hey," Rainbow said casually. "What's up, buddy?"

"Care to explain why you've been spying on Big Mac lately?" Applejack said casually.

"I don't stalk Big Mac, I stalk _Fluttershy_," Rainbow said matter-of-factly. "Their locations just tend to overlap a lot recently."

"Oh, _please_, you're an even worse liar than I am," Applejack sneered. "I've seen the way you've been lookin' at my brother. It's cool, RD, I get it. He's been seein' Fluttershy, so he's been hangin' out with us a lot more, and you've fallen for him. It happens, okay?"

Rainbow smiled sheepishly and floated down to the ground. "Hey… the heart wants what it wants, am I right?"

"You can't act on this, Rainbow Dash," Applejack said sternly. "It'll _kill_ your friendship with Fluttershy. Kill it and kill it dead! You know that, right?"

"I have no intention of doing anything to interfere with anypony's relationship," Rainbow said simply.

"But you just said…"

"I know what I just said, but I don't give a damn what 'the heart' wants. I'm stronger than 'the heart'. You should know that."

Applejack scowled, unconvinced. "And the, uh, stalking?"

"Hey, just because I'm not interfering doesn't mean I can't get an eyeful," Rainbow said, pressing her face against a lower window. "Is that a crime?"

"What, stalking? This may come as a shock, but that's a little bit of a crime, yeah. Just a little."

"Tccht!" Rainbow hissed sharply. "Look in there. What are those kids doing…?"

Apple Bloom looked over Cheerilee and all of the surrounding equipment. "Okay, we're ready," she said. "Scootaloo—fire up the dramatic, swirly, sciencey displays."

"Right away," Scootaloo said. She beat her wings and took to the air, touching the levers and buttons running all along the tops of the machines and among the rafters. Fans and lights started whirling and twirling and blinking. Scootaloo saluted Apple Bloom and remained hovering above Cheerilee's head.

Cheerilee turned her head to get a better look at her. "Scootaloo, you can…? How long have you been flying?"

Scootaloo shrugged. "Couple of hours, maybe? I've been reading up on exercises to get my wings to sprout early, until I was informed that those exercises are completely bogus, so I just got some Golden Thread and, yeah. Now I can fly."

"All right, that's set up," Apple Bloom said thoughtfully. "Sweetie Belle?"

The tip of Sweetie Belle's horn glowed with pale green energy. "Weeks of tireless studying," she declared, "and I finally have the ultimate power… to kill the lights!"

Sweetie Belle's magic enveloped the overhead lights, and they all went out simultaneously, leaving the barn lit only by the stars and moon outside, plus the superfluous light displays, which had been deliberately placed to leave Cheerilee completely shrouded in darkness.

"You ready, Miss Cheerilee?" Apple Bloom said softly.

"I… I think so, Apple Bloom," Cheerilee said, a nervous smile permeating her voice.

"Okay, girls, we're all gonna fire it up!"

There was a whirring sound, and Cheerilee cried out in pain.

"Cheerilee?" Fluttershy called out in concern.

Cheerilee's response was interrupted by a loud _thunk_. "AAAAGH!" she cried.

"Sorry, Miss Cheerilee," Apple Bloom called to her. "You'll be okay… as I'm sure you've noticed, it only hurts for a split second. How do you feel now?"

"Mm… I'm fine," Cheerilee forced out. "Actually, I feel really good… strong, and… smarter, somehow? What… why would I…?"

"Bring the lights back up, Sweetie," Apple Bloom commanded.

"You got it, uber-boss," Sweetie Belle said, clicking her tongue. The entire barn was then lit by the pale green light of her magic, making every pony in the barn only visible in silhouette.

"Shall I tear down the machines?" Scootaloo asked from up above. "This is… this is pretty cool, Apple Bloom."

"Rip 'em down," Apple Bloom agreed.

Scootaloo flew around dismantling the machines—as it turned out, they were nothing but blinking lights and fans sticking out of holes cut in cardboard boxes.

"Come on into the light, Miss Cheerilee," Apple Bloom said.

Cheerilee stepped out, sporting what was unmistakably a pair of pegasus wings and a unicorn horn.

"Check this out, y'all… through the power of science and magical research, we, the Cutie Mark Crusaders, have given humble earth pony Cheerilee ALL THE POWERS OF THE THREE RACES! AH-HAHAHAHAHA! BWA-HAHAHAHAHA! MUUUUWA-HAHAHAHAHAHA—do I have a cutie mark?"

Scootaloo dropped to the ground next to Apple Bloom and checked. "Nope. Me?"

"No."

Sweetie Belle checked her own flank. "Damn it," she grumbled. She irritably extinguished the pale green light and lit all of the barn's overhead lanterns.

Under proper light, it was more apparent that Cheerilee's new appendages were entirely artificial; the wings were a pale creamy color, the horn dark brown. Cheerilee sat down and began stroking one of her wings with a hoof.

"Seriously?" she said with disbelief. "None of you got a cutie mark for this? This… this is an absolute marvel of magic! You've attached these to my shoulders with… what, acupuncture needles?"

"That's right," Apple Bloom said, giggling.

"Each individual feather, a strip of oak bark," Cheerilee said with wonder. "Held together with… copper? Little copper wires? And… what are the bones made of?"

"Titanium," Apple Bloom said proudly. "Dug it up in the Everfree Forest." When Big Macintosh looked concerned, she hastily added, "…ish area… vicinity."

"And the horn?" Cheerilee inquired. It glowed with a yellow aura, as did a nearby bale of hay, which rocked back and forth slightly when Cheerilee looked at it.

"Mahogany," Sweetie Belle said. "But it comes in all _kinds_ of cool materials." She whipped out a bundle of blue cloth and opened it, revealing an assortment of differently-colored unicorn horns. "We've got marble, iron, steel, ivory, oak, pine, limestone…"

Cheerilee stared in alarm at the long and sinister-looking needles coming out of the bases of each of the horns. "And… the needle, it goes… straight into my brain?"

"Almost," Apple Bloom said. "Scratches the surface, really, givin' you the knowledge you need to perform magic."

"This is… I mean, I didn't even know this was _possible_," Cheerilee breathed. "How was this accomplished?"

"No biggie, really," Sweetie Belle said. "We just read up on engineering, magic, and acupuncture, and… figured it out from there."

"Well, that and we do all our manufacturing _deep_ in the Everfree Forest-ish area-vicinity," Scootaloo said. "I get the feeling that's the only reason the stuff actually works. We've all been testing this stuff on ourselves, see? And now that we know it works on other ponies too, we're ready to give it to the whole world!"

"We also have earth pony pins!" Sweetie Belle said cheerfully, producing an assortment of flower-shaped ornaments made of precious metal and studded with multicolored gems. The needles on these items extended out the ornaments' backs, like earrings.

"You know, if you ever feel you're deficient in that area," Sweetie Belle went on. "You plug it straight into your heart. I'm wearing one right now." She stood on her hind legs, revealing one made of gold and emeralds on her chest. "I've been caring for the trees. I can feel their vibe now. They think I'm cute." She giggled.

Scootaloo rolled her eyes. "You hit on _trees_ now? You won't talk to Spike, but you'll flirt with _trees_?"

Sweetie Belle rolled her eyes as well. "Now's really not the time."

"Spike's a catch, dude."

"I have a boyfriend."

"Yeah, that's gonna last all of twenty minutes, and then where will you be?"

Fluttershy stepped forward, eyes wide in anticipation. "This pin, it… it gives you the powers of an earth pony?"

"Uh-huh," Apple Bloom said.

"Can I have one?" Fluttershy said eagerly. "Do you need to hook me up to something to get it into my heart?"

"No, no, that was all just for show," Apple Bloom said. "Which one do you want? All you gotta do is fire 'em up."

Fluttershy selected one of platinum and pink amethyst, stood on her hind legs, and tapped it curiously. The needle found her heart and promptly pushed itself in, causing Fluttershy to yelp in pain.

"Fluttershy!" Big Mac gasped.

"I'm okay," she said. "I'm okay…" She dropped back down to all fours. "So… it'll work now? Just like that?"

"Yeah, just like that," Sweetie said. "It's subtle, hard to notice at first. But you'll start to feel the effects as you go about your life and stuff."

Big Macintosh stepped forward and stared in awe at the many pieces of equipment the Crusaders had presented. "What… what do you girls call this stuff?"

"CMC," Apple Bloom said proudly.

Fluttershy tilted her head to the side, curious. "Cutie Mark Crusaders?"

"No, Crusaders Mecha," Apple Bloom said. After a brief silence, she clarified, "the second C is, you know, for the C in, uh, in the middle of the word 'Mecha'."

From outside, Rainbow Dash flapped away from the window in awe. "Wow… that's amazing…"

Applejack ignored that statement, turning away from the window to glare at Rainbow. "So, what are we gonna do about this whole Big Macintosh deal?"

Rainbow Dash blinked in surprise. "Are you serious? You're seeing this, aren't you? You gotta be a unicorn _way_ beyond Twilight's level to—"

"Don't change the subject," Applejack snapped. "We're gonna talk about how you're gonna deal with your feelings for Big Mac."

"Your thirteen-year-old sister just turned Cheerilee into a cyborg-immortal… thing!" Rainbow said in disbelief. "Does that not impress you at all?"

"No, I'm impressed," Applejack said. "Impressed and proud and a little bit freaked out, yeah, but that's _not_ what we're talkin' about right now."

"You are so strange."

"Never mind, you know what? Just do it your way. Shall I pre-write the letter for you?"

"Letter?" Rainbow repeated. "What letter?"

"Here, I'll start it," Applejack said. She mimed writing something. "_Dear Princess Celestia, today I learned that friends should respect each other's relationships, i.e., not try to steal each other's loyal and devoted boyfriends_…"

"Okay, okay, I get it," Rainbow muttered.

"_Stealing boyfriends is a hopeless pursuit that can only end in tears for the pony who tried to do it. I marvel at my own stupidity. I can't help but wonder what kind of drugs I must have been taking in order to think that this could possibly be a good idea_…"

"Are you done?" Rainbow snapped.

Applejack thought for a second. "Well… no, I got more. You wanna hear more?"

"I get the picture, okay? He's a great guy who's never gonna betray Fluttershy. I realize that. So, I'm not gonna talk to Big Mac, or look at him, or nothing. I'll just hang around and suffer my lame unrequited schoolgirl crush in silence. Are you happy now?"

Applejack sighed. "Look, I get that you're unhappy, but… what can ya do, you know?"

"Yup… what can I do?"

Cheerilee exited the barn. Applejack and Rainbow Dash ducked behind the barn to conceal their presence.

The schoolteacher flapped her new wings and took to the air for a brief second. Her hooves dragged along the ground, and she couldn't stay truly aloft for more than a few seconds.

Nevertheless, the fact that she had wings at all held a significance that hung over the two of them.

"Those punk Crusaders just changed the world," Rainbow whispered.

"Yeah… it's a bit scary," Applejack agreed.


	27. Chapter 27

**Romance and the Fate of Equestria**

**Chapter Twenty-Seven**

Princess Celestia had gotten Twilight an arrangement for a nighttime gathering in Canterlot, just outside of the castle. Twilight thus led Snicker-Snack around the corner toward this meeting place, rubbing his back to reassure him.

"You'll be fine, you'll be fine," she said soothingly. "My parents will love you just as much as I do. Well, not _that_ much, I hope… but they'll love you."

"I'm more worried about your brother," Snicker-Snack said confidentially.

"Really?" Twilight said, surprised. "Oh, come on, he's not scary."

"He's captain of the Royal Guard, of course he's scary," Snick grumbled.

"Oh, come on, it's not like the Royal Guard actually _does_ anything," Twilight said, laughing. "They just hang around and look tough. Except for my brother, whose job is to hang around and look _pretty_. You're way scarier than he is, anyway. Just look at you."

"Oh, Twilight!" called a mare in a gazebo.

Two unicorns approached from the gazebo; a white mare with a purple-and-white striped mane styled in bangs, and a blue golden-eyed stallion.

"Hey, Mom and Dad!" Twilight said, running forward to hug them. "It's been a couple of months, how are you guys?"

"Oh, same as always, honey," her father said, nuzzling her. "But let's not talk about us, let's talk about _you_…"

"This is your evening, Twilight," her mother said, smiling. "Tell us all about your latest adventures."

"Oh, just the greatest adventure of all," Twilight said, throwing a front leg around Snicker-Snack's shoulders. "Mom, Dad, I've asked you here to meet my boyfriend… this is Snicker-Snack. Snick, my parents: my dad, Night Light, and my mother, Twilight Velvet."

Snicker-Snack shook hooves with Twilight's mother. "Ah, Twilight Velvet, the novelist?"

"Yes," she said in surprise. "You're familiar with my work?"

He stared blankly, motionless apart from the continued hoofshake. "…No," he admitted softly.

"Oh," Twilight Velvet said, disappointed. She quickly perked up. "Well, doesn't matter. I'm just so relieved to finally meet you!" She pulled Snicker-Snack into a strangling hug. "You don't know how long I've wanted Twilight to have a boyfriend… all the time that she was at school without a friend in the world—" She held her daughter's face between her hooves, presenting it to Snicker-Snack. "She's always been this beautiful, you know, I don't know why it's taken her so long…"

"Velvet, don't go where you're thinking of going…" Night Light warned.

"Mom," Twilight choked out.

Velvet let go and stepped back toward Snick. "And it's happened, and not a moment too soon… she just hit twenty-five, and you know what they say about over-twenty-five-year-olds… they're like a stale fruitcake, nopony'll touch 'em…"

"GAH! MO-OM!" Twilight bellowed. "Nopony _says_ that! You're… jeez, Mom, why are you so _old?_"

"Step aside, Mom," Shining Armor said, appearing rather suddenly on the garden path. "I'll take care of the interrogation from here…"

"Hey, Twilight," Cadance whispered, suddenly standing next to her.

"Oh, hey," Twilight said, quickly recovering from the surprise.

Snicker-Snack backed away in fright. "Whoa… um, hey there…"

"Hi, Snicker-Snack," Cadance said. "And how have you been treating my dear sister?"

"…Good," he said nervously.

"Ease up a bit, man," Shining Armor said, approaching Snicker-Snack with a wide smirk. "You're just meeting the family, we're not gonna skin you at the altar."

"Or _are_ we?" Cadance hissed, her eyes flashing turquoise for a moment as she grinned evilly.

"Get me out of here," Snicker-Snack squeaked.

"No, no, stay right where you are," Shining Armor insisted, pulling him along the garden path. "Seriously, I am more than honored to meet you. Twilight's told us all about you, and there's nothing I'd like better than to get to know the guy who's… well, the guy who's banging my baby sister. But let's put that aside for the moment and just hang out a bit as guys, okay? That's what we're here for."

"Um, okay," Snicker-Snack said, turning his head to silently beg Twilight for help. Twilight just beamed and waved at him.

"Snickers," Shining Armor said sharply.

"Hmm?"

"Listen, broseph, there's a lot you don't know about Twilight and where she's coming from… who she is, and what she does, and I'd be happy to fill you in. Say, while I give you a tour of Canterlot Castle. You're a smart guy, right? I think you'll appreciate the art and culture that our princesses have collected for display around here. I'm sure you've lived in Equestria all your life and still have no idea who your rulers truly are…"

"Wait, wait, wait, slow down a bit," Snicker-Snack interrupted. "And I'm sorry, I stopped listening and lost all potential respect I might have had for you when you said the word 'broseph'."

"Oh, you want to see me command _respect_, do you? Ever been hit in the face with an indestructium shield?"

"Can't say as I have, Captain, sir. I'd love to take this tour with you, Your Highness, sir. Rest assured I'm hanging onto your every word, Your Highness-captainness-sirness, sir."

"Hmm… you know, we've had two kids working at the castle for years and I don't think we've _ever_ gotten a tour," Night Light said thoughtfully.

"Well, I wouldn't mind getting a refill on my wine," Twilight Velvet muttered.

Twilight watched all of them go and laughed a little. "Oh my goodness, I've never seen him so awkward. He just surprises me around every turn. He's so cute!"

Cadance stood beside her, giggling.

"What's up?" Twilight said, surprised.

"Oh, nothing, nothing," Cadance muttered. "It's just that… considering how you jumped into it—foolishly, recklessly, without a thought in your head—you have a surprisingly respectable sex life."

"I—what?" Twilight demanded. "What do you know about my sex life?"

"Twilie, please, who do you think you're talking to? I'm an expert at reading the bonds of love between ponies, and that includes physical love you may have shared. All I had to do was take a glance to realize you'd lost it. I mentioned it to Shining Armor, that's probably why he charged right into the conversation like that. Regained his composure quick, though."

"Oh, yeah, definitely."

"I'm impressed with you, Twilight," Cadance said tenderly. "I'm impressed with how in love you are. So often, I run into young fillies who are wondering 'what the hay did I sleep with that guy for'? But if I'm reading your feelings and his correctly… we're looking at the distinct possibility that this is the only guy you'll ever sleep with. That's a pretty impressive feat in this modern age of sex on the second date, you pathetic lusty geek."

Twilight laughed, then looked up at Cadance curiously. "You really think he's the one for me?"

Cadance shrugged. "Who's to say? But your feelings are strong. I think they can get the two of you through a lot."

The two of them went silent then, watching Snicker-Snack, Shining Armor, and Twilight's parents entering the castle. They could faintly hear Shining Armor saying, "So, seriously, dude, I have to ask now or it'll be eating at me all night, what the hell is up with your eyes, man?"

"Do I like him more than he likes me?" Twilight asked. "I'm sure that's the case, but I just want to make sure…"

Cadance chuckled. "Everypony thinks that, Twilight. As it stands, it's nearly impossible to _quantify_ the feelings of a couple who loves each other. Trust me, he loves you… very, very much. I get the vibe that he surprises himself, that he didn't realize he was capable of this kind of love."

"You get all that from a 'vibe'?" Twilight wondered.

"Yep. Aren't I awesome?"

The two sisters, in-laws but true sisters nonetheless, smiled at each other lovingly. Cadance looked up, and exclaimed in pleasant surprise. Twilight turned around to see both Celestia and Luna looming over her.

"Oh, Your Majesties!" she said joyfully. "I didn't think you'd have time to drop by."

Celestia bowed her head toward Twilight. "I can always spare a minute for you, my darling, my dearest, my Twilight."

"Ay, but more than the single minute cannot be spared, I fear," Luna said softly. "Come, sister, to our studies."

"What's going on?" Twilight asked.

"I wish I knew," Celestia said solemnly. "But we may have need of you in the next few months. Keep your eyes open."

"I will," Twilight promised softly.

"I wish you luck in love, Twilight Sparkle," Luna said as she and her sister departed.

"Thank you, Luna."


	28. Chapter 28

**Romance and the Fate of Equestria**

**Chapter Twenty-Eight**

The following night, Twilight returned home to the library. As soon as she entered, all of the lights went on to reveal a lobby full of ponies, Pinkie Pie at their forefront, and all of them yelling "SURPRISE!"

A banner hung across the room: _HAPPY THREE-WEEK ANNIVERSARY, TWILIGHT AND SNICKER-SNACK!_

Twilight sighed and laughed, having to admit she wasn't _that_ surprised. "Pinkie… Snick is still in Canterlot. He and the others are setting up a gig for Crazyface."

Pinkie scowled. "Well, that miffs me. I am miffed. It's your anniversary and he's out of town? You may have to let this one go, Twilight."

"Um… no, I'm not quite ready to let him go," Twilight said. "Tell you what: I will make absolutely sure that he's here for our three-_month_ anniversary."

"Oh? And what about all the anniversaries between now and then?"

Twilight released a puff of air in amused exasperation. "I don't know, Pinkie. We'll eyeball it. For now, let's not waste this party."

Pinkie tilted her head. "You feelin' okay, Twilight?"

"Yeah, why?"

"Nothing… it's just, when I'm being more OCD than you, that's… that's a bad sign. Are you Twilight from an alternate universe?"

Twilight smirked. "I'm still the same Twilight. It's just… I don't know, when it comes to this relationship, I feel better riding it out free and easy. It makes me happy. Happier than if we were sticking to schedules and whatnot. You can't have a relationship by-the-book."

"Okay," Pinkie said, smiling. "If you're happy, that's all that matters. Just as long as you're not a doppelgänger who's eaten the real Twilight's brain to absorb her memories and personality."

"Tell ya what, you keep an eye on me just to make sure." Twilight gave Pinkie a hug. "Thank you so much for putting this together."

She walked through a crowd of ponies, most of them friends, all of them familiar. "Hi, everypony! Thanks for coming, good to see you, I…" She did a double-take at Fluttershy, who was standing next to Big Mac and suppressing laughter. "Fluttershy? What are you giggling about?"

"Oh, nothing, Twilight, nothing," Fluttershy said. "Just thinking about how, uh, my three-week anniversary was quite a while ago, and yours is now, and yet you slept with your beau before I did with mine."

"What's your point?"

"Nothing, nothing… it's just nice to have the moral high ground," Fluttershy said, giggling uncontrollably. "Shame on you!"

Twilight snorted. "You're… that's silly. It's silly, is what it is." She laughed and nuzzled Fluttershy before returning to her scan of the party, noticing a pair of elderly donkeys.

"Oh, hi, Cranky, Matilda," Twilight said. "Wouldn't expect to see you two here."

"Why, we never miss a Pinkie Pie party," Matilda said proudly.

"Still?" Twilight said. "I would have thought you'd gotten your fill after she threw you the 'all-of-your-anniversaries-at-once' party."

"Would you have expected anypony else to stop going to parties after that one?" Cranky said, smiling wryly. "We're old, not dead. There's a lot of partying left to do." He grinned toothily, then leaned in toward Twilight confidentially. "Listen, Miss Twilight… do you know that filly?"

He ticked his head to the side, and Twilight glanced toward the wall where he was pointing. The individual he was indicating was unmistakable. She was quite small, but unmistakably a fully adult mare. Her coat was golden, as were her eyes, her tail, and what little was visible of her mane under her leather cap.

The cap was more of a helmet, with two protrusions guarding her cheeks and a third running down the bridge of her nose. She was fully dressed in what appeared to be a matched set of similarly protective leather garments; a sheet across her chest, another along her back and flanks, concealing her cutie mark completely.

Several other locations on her body were wrapped in thick leather bands: one around each hoof, another higher up on each leg, one around her neck, and three spaced evenly down her long, curly tail. In addition, every square inch of these leather garments were covered in sealed pockets, pockets of all sizes, including a huge one on her nose guard, just between her eyes.

The little mare's eyes met Twilight's, and Twilight had to look away in horror. Her golden eyes were smoldering with rage.

"Who is she?" Twilight whispered to Cranky.

"I don't know," the donkey replied. "She turned up a few days ago, started asking weird questions… like, if there have been any thefts in Ponyville recently, or if anypony's gotten hurt. And when folks tell her no, she just gets angrier and angrier."

"Can you talk to her, Miss Twilight?" Matilda asked.

Twilight blinked. "Who, me?"

"You're the most trusted pony in Ponyville," Matilda said, smiling. "We'd all like to help her, but we can't figure out what she's after. Maybe you can figure it out."

Twilight inhaled in preparation. "Okay, I'll see what I can do."

She made her way through the crowd to the girl, who was leaning against a wall of books.

"Hi there!" she said cheerfully. "Enjoying the party?"

The stranger shrugged. "Well, I actually came here to use the library, but hey, this is almost as good," she said in a viciously snide tone that didn't fit her honey-sweet voice.

The hostility only threw Twilight off for a split second. "What's your name?" she asked.

After a painful silence, the stranger responded, "Ve—ah, no. Gewgaw."

"Gewgaw… hi. So, I hear you've been looking for something, asking around. Can I help you?"

Gewgaw's lips thinned. "The information I need… I can find myself. It's got nothing to do with anypony else." Her eye twitched violently, her head snapped back, and she growled deep in her throat, before inhaling deeply and suddenly looking calm and serene.

"But I'll let you know," she said, her voice barely more than a whisper. "If we ever cross paths again, yeah… maybe you can help me."

The strange leather-clad pony slowly made her way to the door, walking backwards through the light crowds, her calculating eyes on Twilight at all times.

She opened the library door just a crack, just wide enough to slip out and vanish into the night.

Twilight watched her go in silence and fear. She had the feeling it would be hard to enjoy the rest of her party.


	29. Chapter 29

**Romance and the Fate of Equestria**

**Chapter Twenty-Nine**

"Aloe? Lotus? …The works, ladies."

The two spa ponies beamed and darted off in opposite directions. Twilight had reserved the entire spa for the morning; she and her friends began heading off in different directions, while remaining close enough to hear one another.

"Hey girls," Twilight said with concern as she put on her robe. "Have any of you met Gewgaw?"

"Gewgaw?" Applejack repeated. "Naw, who's that?"

"She's small, kind of golden fur, wears a lot of leather?"

"Oh yeah, I've seen her," Rainbow Dash said, nodding. "What about her?"

"Well, my first impression is that she's a highly shady and suspicious character," Twilight said. "I'd go so far as to say violently insane."

"And her name is 'Gewgaw', you said?" Rarity said. "Hmph, no wonder."

"Hmm?" Twilight said, tilting her head in confusion.

"The word 'gewgaw' implies… well, tackiness," Rarity explained. "Something flashy and beautiful, but entirely useless and valueless. A horrible, horrible name to give to one's child… or to oneself, whichever the case may be. Either the name drove her mad, or she chose the name _because_ she's mad. Didn't you know, Twilight? A pony named Gewgaw borders on taboo."

"…Huh," Twilight remarked blankly. "Well, if all of you could keep an eye out for her… I spoke to her at my anniversary party. She _seriously_ freaked me out."

Rainbow nodded. "We'll won't let her get the best of us, Twi."

Twilight joined Rarity and Applejack in the steam room, taking a seat beside Rarity. "I've been trying mend the relationship between Spike and Sweetie Belle," Rarity was saying. "It's difficult, though… Sweetie has become so arrogant and full of herself lately. I don't understand it, she's like a completely different filly than she used to be. It makes me sad."

Applejack nodded solemnly. "As much as we'd all like to deny it, them Crusaders are teenagers now, and that means they won't listen to a word anypony else says until they're out of college. And why should they listen to authority? Especially now, now that they've got the power to kill anypony who stands in their way."

"Heh heh, too true," Twilight said, leaning back with her eyes closed. "I talked to Luna about it—she agrees we should all keep a lid on this 'Mecha' stuff. Same risks as ponies abusing Golden Thread, only more so. We gotta be careful."

"I don't know about that, but I _love_ my earth pony pin," Fluttershy said from the mud baths. "My garden is flourishing like it never has before, and I've only worn it three days. I understand the earth so much better…" She sank deep into the mud contentedly.

"Shy, how'd it go with Iron Will?" Twilight asked.

"_Great_," Fluttershy said excitedly. "We've been making some tweaks. It's so exciting to work with this material, and then… and then how we'll be putting it out in the world. Tickets are being sold… and I'm already getting paid, half of Iron Will's cut. It's crazy how much I've already made, and how much _more_ I'll get if this turns out to be successful…"

"Nice," Rainbow Dash said from the massage table. "Any big plans?"

"Oh, I'm thinking of expanding my property, more space for the animals and more of them," Fluttershy said. "But, heck, maybe I'll just skip that—I've been thinking about building this huge Adventurers mansion, where the six of us can live and work and go about your business… and when evil strikes, we go 'Elements of Harmony, assemble!'" She rose from the mud and struck a victorious pose.

Rainbow Dash snorted with laughter. "Since when do the Adventurers pose like sentai?"

Fluttershy giggled, sitting back down. "I don't know."

"But back to your original premise, which Adventurer are you?"

"Captain Equestria, obviously."

"No, no," Rainbow said sternly. "_I'm_ Captain Equestria. If you're anypony, you're… you're the bow-and-arrow guy."

"Who, Mustang?" Fluttershy demanded. "Oh, come _on, _even I have more superpowers than he does…"

"A case can be made for Arachne."

"Can I be somepony with _actual _superpowers?" Fluttershy grumbled.

"Arachne has powers. She has the power to look really good in those pants. Don't look at me like that, it's a compliment. Most ponies don't even _wear_ pants, it's not a very good look, you know? But you, you've got the figure to pull it off."

Fluttershy scowled for a few more seconds, then smiled. "Well, thanks! I've gotta tell you, with everything that's been going on lately, I've never felt so confident and successful and… and sexy, all at once!"

The spa doors opened, and Gilda entered, closely followed by Pinkie Pie, with the Cake twins in their customary position on her back.

"Sorry we're late, yo!" Gilda called out.

"Oh, Gilda!" Fluttershy said eagerly, clambering out of the mud tub.

"Sup, Peeper?"

"I've recently come into a great deal of money—would you be interested in me increasing my shares?"

Gilda nodded in surprised gratitude. "Oh… sure, anything helps."

"Great! I've written you a check." Fluttershy found her saddlebag, produced the small slip of paper and gave it to Gilda.

"Whoa…" Gilda said, her eyes wide. "Holy crap. But this means…"

"That's right, I own you," Fluttershy said brightly.

"So now you're primary owner…" Gilda muttered, looking at the check thoughtfully. She smirked at Fluttershy. "Guess I had it coming, eh Ducky?"

"Oh no, I don't do petty revenge," Fluttershy said hastily. "I just want to help my friend succeed in business."

"…You're talking about Dash, aren't you?"

"Obviously. But you as well."

Gilda stared blankly at Fluttershy's sincere and kind smile. It took a few seconds for her to manage a smile of her own. "Thanks, Peeper." She walked past Fluttershy into the spa. "YO, ALOE! CRACK MY BACK!"

"Pinkie, your mane!" Twilight said with concern.

Pinkie looked at her glumly. Her mane and tail were limp and straight.

"I'm scared, Twilight," she whispered. "I can't stop itching and twitching, I feel—"

"WHAZZUP!" Pumpkin Cake squeaked.

"Not now, Pumpkin-wumpkin, Aunt Pinkie's trying to make a grave and ominous pronouncement," Pinkie said soothingly, before turning back to the others. "I don't know what's going on, but I can guarantee… something sinister is going to happen."

She glowered in a foreboding manner for a few seconds, before her mane puffed back up out of nowhere. She looked, cross-eyed, at the lock of hair dangling in front of her eyes. "…Huh," she said blankly.

Rainbow Dash stifled a snort, which caused Applejack to break out in laughter, and in turn every pony in the spa was soon rolling on the floor, including Pinkie.

The door opened again, causing them all to jump in surprise. They quickly sighed with relief when Snicker-Snack entered. Twilight rushed over to him eagerly.

"Hey, baby," she said, tripping awkwardly over the pet name. "How'd it go?"

"Great," he said. "Things are really looking up for me and the guys." He stared off into space thoughtfully as he rubbed Twilight's back. "I just love those guys so much."

-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-

Skippmud stood at the crest of a hill overlooking Ponyville. Her eyes scanned every detail and feature of the town.

Crazyface flew up beside her. "So, what do we know?" he asked.

"Soon," Skippmud replied. "We're going very soon."

"Can I get a 'Hallelujah'?" Crazyface said, striking an exalting pose.

"Hallelujah," Skippmud said tonelessly. "Veeb says we've got all we need. This whole 'Snicker-Snack' nightmare is officially over and behind us."

"Ha-ha, Snicker-Snack."

"Yup," Skippmud said, smirking. "But he'll be out of our lives soon enough. We're ready to begin."

"I've been ready for a while," Crazyface said, stretching his legs and flailing them around wildly. "Been getting jittery."

"Haven't we all? Anyway, Veeb says not to rock the boat, we leave in two days."

"Oh, please," Crazyface sneered. "When have we _ever_ rocked the boat?"

"I know, right?" Skippmud said, rolling her eyes. "I don't know what's gotten into—"

"But two days?" Crazyface inquired. "That's not nearly enough time for our standard procedure for leaving towns."

"Yep, we'll have to do a short version," Skippmud said simply. "Better get started."

"All right," Crazyface said, saluting and starting off toward the town. "See you when we're stealing Equestria's crown jewels."

"See you then, buddy."

-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-

**Endnotes**

Adventurers Assemble! I alluded to Thor a few chapters ago, so there's your confirmation that the Avengers do exist in this universe, except that they're the Adventurers! Yes, quite a few of my more fanciful character names are based on my 4-year-old sister mispronouncing things. She's a huge Avengers fan, particularly of the _Earth's Mightiest Heroes_ cartoon. As to why their Hawkeye equivalent is named Mustang, that's a highly complicated and detailed double-joke. Let me know if you get it. Or if you don't get it, but you want to. Anyway, I could go on, but I won't. I haven't checked, but I'm sure there's plenty of fanfiction and art about ponified Avengers… with _all the exact same ponified names I came up with_… because again, friggin' everywhere.


	30. Chapter 30

**Romance and the Fate of Equestria**

**Chapter Thirty**

Twilight and Snicker-Snack walked through the streets of Ponyville in the crisp evening air.

"…And Fluttershy's work with Iron Will is really coming to a head," Twilight said. "The first seminar debuts in a month or so."

"That's neat," Snicker-Snack said. "So, Twilight…"

"What the—oh, for crying out loud…"

Twilight marched into the town center, where the Cutie Mark Crusaders were zipping around with reckless abandon. All three were winged, all three were horned, and Sweetie Belle and Scootaloo bore pins in their hearts. The three chased each other through the air on their rapidly-beating wings.

"Hey!" Twilight snarled. "What part of 'absolute secrecy' don't you three understand?"

Apple Bloom responded with a yellow beam of magic, blackening the cobblestones under Twilight's hooves.

"Oh, is that how it's gonna be?" Twilight said darkly. "Fine, that's the way it's gonna be…"

Twilight shot at the Crusaders with her own beams; Sweetie Belle dodged and produced a pale green jet of flame, which Twilight deflected with a shield.

An ethereal pink whip appeared at the end of Twilight's horn, cracking through the air and catching on Scootaloo's horn, reeling her in. Apple Bloom produced a similar whip and used it to sever Twilight's connection to Scootaloo.

The Crusaders pelted Twilight with shimmering electric orbs of yellow, green, and purple. Twilight absorbed each one into her own horn, and zapped the Crusaders with three simultaneous magenta bolts of lightning which hit their targets flawlessly, bringing all three tumbling to the ground.

Twilight created a lasso of pure energy, tightened it around the three hysterically laughing fillies and tugged them effortlessly to her, standing over them.

"There, you see?" Twilight said, grinning. "All your Golden Thread and Crusaders Mecha is no match for my lifetime of training and discipline. Now get that stuff back to the barn! It was hard enough to convince Cheerilee not to wear it everywhere she goes. Now do as Princess Luna said—don't bring it out in public until a decision can be made! Understood?"

The three of them nodded fearfully, still giggling.

"All right, buzz off."

The Crusaders darted off toward Sweet Apple Acres.

"What _was_ that?" Snicker-Snack demanded.

"Nothing, just that those three little squirts are tampering with things that _should_ be beyond mortal comprehension," Twilight muttered.

"_They_ made that stuff?" Snicker-Snack said with wonder. "Are… are they geniuses of some sort?"

"I don't know, it zig-zags. They're smart enough to navigate the Everfree Forest better than anypony else and invent this miraculous stuff, but they can be so _dumb_ sometimes… parading it right in the middle of town…" She shrugged. "_Anyway_, can I… can I tell you something?"

"Sure. Tell me what?"

"Oh, just a piece of information you might enjoy learning," Twilight said nervously, feeling her mane with her hoof, finding it had been ruffled in the skirmish with the Crusaders, and straightening it out with magic. "When… when you came in the spa door earlier today, it… well, it made me very happy. Happier than I've been in a long time. It was… electrifying." She quivered with excitement at the memory. "The only other time I've ever been that happy was… was when my friends came to rescue me when I was facing Nightmare Moon."

Snicker-Snack's eyes widened. "That's… that's big."

"It is," Twilight said, touching her horn to his nose. "That kind of joy is revitalizing… empowering… it makes me feel like I can do _anything_. You see, when it happened way back then, it wasn't that I was being rescued. It was the realization that, for the first time in my life, I had friends. True friends. And to feel that again, when I saw you, that makes me think—from a purely scientific standpoint, of course—that… well, that this can only be true love."

He inhaled deeply. "You know… I reckon it pretty much has to be."

"I love—"

Snicker-Snack zapped her between the eyes, blasting her backwards.

Twilight tried to speak, but found that she couldn't remember how. She searched her memory frantically, but no matter how hard she concentrated, the powers of speech escaped her comprehension. She stared at Snicker-Snack in horror.

His normally empty eyes were full of tears. "If you think…" he choked out. "If you think for one minute that I'm gonna let you say it before I do, you've… you've got another thing coming."

He stepped up to her and looked her in the eyes. "I love you, Twilight Sparkle."

Twilight tried to answer, but found herself simply staring at him in complete silence. She made a pleading expression, and when he didn't respond, furrowed her brow in concern.

He laughed. "You know, that's cute, the way you try to talk to me with your face. I think I'll keep you like this for a little while."

She scowled.

"Okay, okay," he said, casting another spell on her.

"What kind of 'healing' was that?" she demanded.

"Healing under an extremely lenient definition, I suppose," he said, chuckling. "It's the first thing I ever learned how to do. You try to speak, but the mechanics of talking just sort of… slip your mind."

Twilight shrugged. "Hmm. Okay, then." She flung herself upon him, her arms wrapped around his neck. "I love you too, you devilishly handsome and sinister… package."

"Package?"

"Oh, just shut up."

She kissed him, violently, hungrily. He responded in kind, and the pair of them were soon gasping for breath between lengthy exchanges.

"Your place or mine?" Twilight breathed.

"Um… uh… I don't know, you pick," he said, dazed.

"Okay."

In a flash of pink light, they vanished from the town center.


	31. Chapter 31

**Romance and the Fate of Equestria**

Random thought of the evening: Most writers and creators in this day and age are quite aware of fanfiction. And yet, I've never heard of one who embraced or appreciated it. At best, they tolerate it, while others are openly anti-fanfiction, like George R. R. Martin and Ursula LeGuin.

I can't understand that mentality. How can an author not like fanfiction? If they don't crave attention, why do they write novels in the first place? If, as they claim, their characters are like their children, why do they make their characters' lives suck so much? Lookin' at you, Mr. Martin. Seriously, if your characters are your children, I think you'd _want_ to hand them off to someone who might give them a happier world in which to live… or maybe it was LeGuin who said the children thing, in which case, that's acceptable. Hell, I don't remember._  
_

Me, I dream of the day that there's fanfiction of the trash I write. Sure, there are other ways to measure success. If they turned my comic book into a TV series, then I'd probably be successful. If they turned my movie trilogy into a Lego set, then I'm _hugely_ successful. But if I didn't have a boatload of fanfiction, I'd never know if I was _appreciated_. I want that, baby! Sure, all my good-looking bad guys and less-good-looking good guys would immediately switch sides and there wouldn't be a heterosexual in sight. And, if my characters weren't human, they would be. And, lest I forget, they'd all be in high school. Such is the world in which we live, I can deal with the fact that such stereotypes about fandom are 90-percent true. But the other 10? Worth dying for, baby.

In the same vein, anti-fanfiction exists in the community of fanfiction itself. To wit: "Original Character, Do Not Steal". The hell? First of all, nobody wants to steal someone else's OC. But let's say your OC is engaging enough that someone _does_ want to use them. Most people are inherently decent, so they'd probably ask you first. And even if they didn't… Would you not be flattered? I repeat, do you not crave attention?

What I'm saying here is, steal away. In fact, I'm straight up begging: please, won't someone get all up in my business and steal my OCs, in the name of all that is holy! Why not, it'll probably be a better story than this one.

**Chapter Thirty-One**

It was a cold and cloudy morning in Ponyville. Rainbow Dash lay on her side on the rim of a fountain, sighing occasionally.

"Hey, Rainbow Dash!"

She looked up. Scootaloo was approaching her by air, bobbing and weaving back and forth as her wings beat furiously.

"Ahoy there, Cap'n Swervy!" Rainbow said half-heartedly, raising a hoof in greeting before laying her head back down on the stone.

"Heh heh, yeah," Scootaloo said sheepishly, dropping down. "It's just, I woke up this morning with _these_…" She spread her wings; though still underdeveloped, they were a good deal larger than they had been mere days before.

"Nice!" Rainbow commented.

"Yup!" she chirped. "So I thought I'd take 'em out for a test run, see if I could fly without Golden Thread…"

Rarity raised her eyebrows, impressed. "Smart kid!"

"Really?"

"Smarter than me," Rainbow said. "You know what Golden Thread is? It's a shortcut to greatness. But there _are_ no shortcuts to greatness." She stroked Scootaloo's mane. "I'm only just realizing that. You're looking at the pony who inspired the Cutie Mark Crusaders' club charter. I hope you've noticed that your charter hasn't exactly worked out? Me, I have a lot of raw talent, always have. But the only reason I'm the best is that I love what I do, and I practice every single day. You Crusaders, you can't hop around from topic to topic, you gotta find the passion, and then pursue it to the exclusion of all else. But you, you already know that. You wanna fly, and you're gonna _work_ to fly. You figured it out way before I did."

Scootaloo nodded. "We're trying, Rainbow Dash. We're still not too clear on what our passions are."

"You'll figure it out," Rainbow said, looking up at the gray sky.

"Are you okay?" Scootaloo asked.

"I'm fine," Rainbow mumbled. "You know how it is, middle of autumn, gotta bring in the clouds so the frosts can come in, everypony gets a little mopey this time of year."

"Yeah, but not you," Scootaloo said. "You love the cold. You always say it's bracing, and it makes you feel alive."

"Hmm… I _do_ say that, don't I?"

"Yeah," Scootaloo said, frowning. "But… you don't exactly look 'alive' right now."

Rainbow shrugged.

"Is there anything I can do to help?" Scootaloo said hopefully.

"Eh… you could fetch me a boyfriend."

"Done!"

Scootaloo zipped away. Rainbow lifted her head and looked around, but the filly was completely out of sight. "I wasn't… I wasn't _serious_, kid. Cripes," Rainbow muttered, rolling her eyes in amusement. She leaned back and closed her eyes.

After a few minutes, a voice said, "Um… pardon me, ma'am?"

Rainbow looked up, into the face of a dull brown stallion. _Is that… yeah, it's the guy who fixes all the clocks,_ she thought. _What's his name? Doctor something? But doctor what?_

"Hey," Rainbow said, puzzled.

"Um… yeah, hi. Um… this is a little awkward. I was wondering if…" He turned his head to the side, where Scootaloo was hiding in the bushes. She glared at him sternly, and he swallowed and looked back at Rainbow Dash.

"Would you like to go out sometime?" he forced out.

Rainbow laughed. "Kid works fast, doesn't she? Sorry about her. You're free to go."

He ran off. Scootaloo hopped back over to Rainbow. "Pretty good, huh? Maybe I can get my cutie mark in seduction! Just gotta practice a bit more, that's all. HEY, SNIPS!"

"Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa," Rainbow said hurriedly, jumping up to restrain Scootaloo. "I… don't think that's the best idea."

Scootaloo shrugged. "Okay. Are you sure I can't help you?"

"Hey, you got me to stand up," Rainbow said. "That's progress, isn't it? Wasn't doing myself much good just lying there. I… think I'll head home. Nice talking to you, Scoot."

"Yeah," Scootaloo said uncertainly. "Okay. See you later, Rainbow Dash. Hope you feel better."

"Me too, kid. Me too."

-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-

Skippmud looked up and marveled at Rainbow Dash's luxurious cloud house.

"All right," she said to herself. She jogged in place for a moment. "You've got this, Skipp." She lifted a hoof, making sure her single earring, with its gaudy and lusterless opal, was in place. "Let's do it."

She crouched down, and took an impossibly huge leap toward the house. She sailed through the air for a few brief moments, finally landing on the doorstep. She tensed up, but didn't sink through the cloud.

"There we go, there we go," she assured herself, pushing her way through the front door. "Ah, just look at all this… is _this_ what you get on a weather supervisor's salary?" She began ruffling through Rainbow's possessions, tossing a few select items in a sack—an antique lantern, a series of ornamental plates, a gigantic and ornately carved picture frame… she had to break out the poster-sized photograph of Rainbow Dash and her five friends, but after that, the frame was collapsible and easily fit in her sack.

"Yeah, come to mama," Skippmud whispered. "Not bad, Commander Hair Dye, you've got a good taste in art… look at all this craftsmanship and beauty, I can't get enough… Yes sir, every little bit helps."

"Hey."

Skippmud whirled. Rainbow Dash stood there, staring expectantly.

"Whatcha doin', Skipp?" Rainbow said pleasantly.

Skippmud scowled. "Thought you'd be out moping for a while longer."

"I got over myself," Rainbow said flatly. "But let's talk about _you_…"

"Me? Oh, I'm just burgling your place," Skippmud said, jingling the sack. "A little something to pay off my student loans."

"Ah, there it is," Rainbow said, smirking. "I was wondering where that joke went. So _you_ took it…"

"Anyway, I'll just… be on my way," Skippmud said, beaming. "I'm ditching this town and moving on to bigger and better things, so, yeah, you won't be seeing your possessions again anytime soon."

"Hmm, robbing me blind and being really friendly about it," Rainbow said dryly. "You're just a veritable wellspring of lawyer jokes, aren't you?"

Skippmud bared her teeth. "Yeah, you love lawyer jokes, don't you? Well, here's one you'll love. Check it…"

She flung her sack aside and jumped upon Rainbow Dash, pinning her to the floor and pressing a hoof hard against her throat.

"This _lawyer_ is crushing your worthless pegasus windpipe," she growled. "Isn't that funny? You're not laughing… WHY AREN'T YOU LAUGHING?"

Rainbow strained and struggled, making frantic wheezing noises. In seconds, she stopped fighting and went limp, her head hitting the cloud floor beneath her.

Skippmud stepped away. "That's right. Heh heh heh… eh heh heh heh heh heh… _damn_, I love doing that."

She turned around to retrieve her loot. Rainbow opened her eyes and jumped up, tackling Skippmud and grappling with her.

Rainbow elbowed Skippmud in the face multiple times. Skippmud responded by flipping Rainbow over her head and pounding her into the ground, then delivering a ferocious blow to Rainbow's diaphragm—the strength behind the kick was impossibly strong, and left a bleeding bruise on Rainbow's midsection.

Skippmud kicked Rainbow into the air and smashed her straight through a wall. Rainbow struggled to her hooves, one leg and one wing gnarled.

"Heh heh…" Rainbow said in a frail, raspy voice, the injuries to her throat and diaphragm taking their toll. "You couldn't take the two seconds to stop and make sure I was actually dead? Worst. Murderer. _Ever_." She coughed and hacked. "Why would you kill me, Skippmud?"

Skippmud shrugged. "Doesn't matter. Go ahead, stay alive, tell all your friends, see if I care. You're just my first target. When my friends and I have the crown jewels, nopony will stand in our way. Especially _you_. 'Cause let me tell you, the Elements of Harmony? Pfft—useless trinkets, not gonna stand a chance."

"Crown… jewels?" Rainbow forced out.

"Yeah, Equestria's ancient and powerful crown jewels."

"Equestria has crown jewels?"

Skippmud rolled her eyes. "Look, just be patient and wait for our 'master plan'. The jewels will be prominently featured. Anyway, your voice isn't sounding too good. You may want to save your breath for when you have something _important_ to say." She saluted. "Later."

As Skippmud turned her back on Rainbow Dash a second time, Rainbow inhaled deeply and called upon her last reserves of strength to bellow, "TAAAANK! NEED YOU! BURGLAR!"

Skippmud turned around and raised an eyebrow. "Tank? What—"

The propeller-bearing tortoise dropped through the ceiling and rammed his body against Skippmud's head. He swung around and smashed his shell against the left side of her face, then the right side. As she stumbled around in a daze, he rose up to above her head and abruptly turned his propeller off, dropping upon the top of her head with a resounding _thud_.

Skippmud collapsed and Rainbow limped toward her prone form. Tank started up his mechanism again, and floated beside Rainbow.

"Don't ever change, bro," Rainbow said, holding up a hoof. Tank tapped it with one of his stumpy feet.

"So," Rainbow said, pushing up on Skippmud's chin to look her in the eye. "Let's have a conversation, you and me. I've got a couple of questions. Let's open with, how'd you get into my house? I have my _suspicions_ as to how you managed to jump that high… same reason you were able to hit me that hard, I think, and if I'm right, I am gonna make you pay _so_ hard… but more important…" She gave in to another coughing fit. "Let's talk about how you, an earth pony, are walking on my custom-made cirrostratus floor. Any chance it's this conspicuously magical-looking earring that I've never seen you wear before?"

She gripped one half of the earring in her teeth, then pulled it out with her hoof. Skippmud looked horrified for a moment, then dropped through the floor, pulling her sack along with her.

"Yeah, it was the earring," Rainbow said smugly to herself. She bolted out of her front door and dove toward the ground beneath the shadow of her house.

She could clearly see the dent in the ground where Skippmud had landed, but the mare was already gone.

"Hmm, speedy recovery," Rainbow said thoughtfully. "Let's see, where'd you go…" She inspected the ground, carefully examining Skippmud's strangely deep hoofprints.

"Yeah, that's what I thought. Golden Thread horseshoes… now you're really in for it…"

She rose into the air and shouted in the direction of Skippmud's trail, completely ignoring the pain in her throat. "Running away, are you? That's cute, that you think you can get away from me. Even with my bad wing and your fancy magic horseshoes—which, by the way, I designed—you can't outpace me. Nopony can." She lowered her voice and grinned devilishly. "I'm Rainbow Dash, bitch."

She jetted off in pursuit.


	32. Chapter 32

**Romance and the Fate of Equestria**

For this chapter, I found it necessary to write lyrics for a couple of popular songs that exist in this universe. Bask in the meaninglessness! Thankfully, the actual chapter is much more meaningful than the song lyrics…

**Chapter Thirty-Two**

Twilight walked down the street toward the library, cheerful, without a care in the world. Her good mood quickly snapped into concern when she heard alternative rock blaring from within the library.

She opened the door, and saw the armored figure of Gewgaw sitting at a desk, looking over numerous books. Gewgaw looked up, and Twilight recoiled.

The song playing was "By the Blades of Her Eyes". Twilight had never understood what the song was actually about, never mind what the title meant, but it seemed eerily apropos now, as Gewgaw was indeed staring daggers at her.

"_When I see the things that were, I think of her / When I'm caught in a trap, I feel her wrath / By the blades of her eyes, everything dies / By the blades of her eyes, everything dies_…"

Twilight turned the radio down from across the room. "Hey there," she said. "So, you're back. Does that mean I can help you?"

Gewgaw grinned toothily. "Probably not. I mean, I'm waaaay far gone. Completely dead inside. My life is a complete mess. All my potential has been crushed, just like my horribly damaged psyche. Nopony can help me anymore."

Twilight stared uncertainly.

"Or did you mean you wanted to help me in your capacity as a librarian?" Gewgaw said sweetly.

"…Right," Twilight said. "Well, you just let me know."

The song faded out. "Hi, Ponyville! Good morning and wub wub wub!" came the distinctive rise-and-fall of DJ P0n-3's voice. "Ah, it sure is cold this morning, isn't it? It's gonna get frosty. I for one can't wait for that first beautiful snowfall. You're listening to _The DJ P0n-3 Hour_, Ponyville's most popular early morning radio show with me in it."

"Tee hee!"

"That's right, in case you didn't recognize that giggle, that was Octavia, friend of the show and friend of mine, who has agreed to become a semi-recurring feature on the program. Whenever she's not busy in Canterlot, she's gonna be down here. I think we're all gonna enjoy having you here, mate."

"Thank you. I'm going to enjoy being here. So what are we doing today, DJ P0n-3?"

"Well, since you ask, I was thinking about how to best welcome you to my program, so I started asking myself what your favorite music was when we were kids."

"Aw, you didn't."

"That's right. Here's a little treat for those of you who, like Octavia and myself, were little teeny-boppers at the turn of the millennium: the next song of the morning block, 'Favorite Girl', by Loli Pop."

Gewgaw froze, looking as stunned and hurt as if she had just been punched.

"Technically, it was her first and last great hit," DJ P0n-3 continued. "But we, her true fans, know that everything she did was completely classic. All the teen anthems, all the first loves, this hip party song was the best among equals!"

"Oh, I can't wait!" Octavia said. "I always loved Loli Pop. Still do, actually. Whatever happened to her?"

"I wish I knew, Octavia. I would've brought _her_ here to Ponyville."

"I'll settle for the song, Vinyl. Let's play it!"

Twilight turned to Gewgaw, who was still staring in complete shock. "Of course," she muttered. "Why didn't I see it before? You're petite, you're golden all over… and your voice!"

Gewgaw turned to glare at Twilight.

"I was such a huge fan of yours!" Twilight went on. "I'd listen to your records over and over, every night while I studied."

Gewgaw pointed a hoof at Twilight. "Shut… up," she enunciated.

"Well, it's true, isn't it?" Twilight said bluntly. "You're Loli Pop. Aren't you?"

From one of the pockets of the thick leather band around Gewgaw's hoof, a knife emerged. She tackled Twilight with such force that the two of them rolled all the way across the room. Gewgaw had Twilight pinned against the wall, the knife at her throat.

"Say that name again, and I'll cut off your face," Gewgaw growled.

Twilight instinctively fired up a surge of magical energy; the stranger pressed the knife against her horn. "No spells!" she growled. Twilight's aura faded. "Thank you," Gewgaw said cordially.

There was silence for a few minutes, apart from Twilight's heavy, terrified breathing… and the bouncy pop song playing in the background. The little golden mare listened, as her own voice sang the sugary-sweet melody, and her lower lip and eyes began to quiver.

She stepped away from Twilight and sat down in the middle of the floor, looking pitiful and exhausted. She tucked her head in to her chest and started sobbing.

"_I'm the music / I'm the magic / I'm the sweetest girl you know in the whole world / Don't forget me / Don't ever leave me / Keep on telling me I'll always be your favorite—_"

Twilight turned the radio off, and looked at the shattered figure of the former pop star, feeling nothing but sympathy despite the dangerous moment that had just passed.

"What _did_ happen to you?" she whispered.

The pony lifted her head and wiped her nose with a leg, glancing at Twilight dismissively. "You wouldn't believe me if I told you," she said.

"Try me," Twilight said.

The other shrugged and stood up. "Well, all right," she said. "See, I've been largely forgotten, which is good. And even before, nopony in Equestria ever knew much about my personal life. That's because I lived in New Clovenshire."

The back of Twilight's neck prickled.

"It's way, way to the southwest. So isolated you could hardly call it part of Equestria."

"…So I've heard," Twilight said nervously.

"I left there a while back," the mare went on. "Too many memories of who I used to be. But I had a purpose. I'm after three vile and loathsome international criminals. A trio of complete sickos named Crazyface, Skippmud… and Vorpal Blade."

Twilight gulped, barely able to breathe. "Vorpal… Blade?" she said meekly.

"VB to his friends, Veeb to his very close friends," the mare said absently. "They've been evading the world's authority for decades, and been evading me for almost as long. The 'evading me' part is more important, seeing as I'm the only pony in the world who actually _wants_ them caught. So, do you know them?"

"I, erm…" Twilight stammered. "Well, Skippmud and Crazyface are, um, my boyfriend's coworkers. I don't know any Vorpal Blade."

The other smirked and looked sideways at Twilight. "You don't sound like you're too sure about that. Are you trying to convince me, or yourself?"

"…You?" Twilight said in the same uncertain tone.

"Well, let's see…" the mare muttered, feeling around some of her countless pockets. "Ah, here we go…"

She whipped out an old photograph and thrust the sepia-toned image, unmistakably of Snicker-Snack, into Twilight's face. "This your boyfriend?"

"Yes," Twilight said, her voice cracking.

"Yeah, that's Vorpal Blade."

The mare slapped the photograph down on the desk smugly. Twilight stared in horror, taking in the entire picture; it showed Snicker-Snack through a veil of rain; one of his blank white eyes was rimmed with dripping, fresh blood, but he wore a triumphant smirk on his face. He was clambering through a huge hole that had been blasted in a stone wall, flanked on either side by a much younger, slightly smaller, Skippmud and Crazyface.

"No…" Twilight peeped. "No…"

The small mare started toward the door. "You go ahead and keep that. I'll just call _myself_ a liar and run _myself_ out of town, shall I?"

"Wait," Twilight said frantically. "Tell me what you know."

She turned around. "Really?" she demanded, advancing on Twilight ferociously. "You want to listen to what I have to SAY?"

"Y-yes?"

She backed away. "Hmm… that's never happened to me before. I might need a minute to figure out where to begin."

"Um—okay," Twilight said softly. "Can I get you a cup of tea?"

"Sure, I'd… yeah."

Twilight ran to the kitchen and started numbly preparing tea.

"You didn't recognize his name," the mare observed. "What do you call him?"

"Snicker-Snack," Twilight replied dully.

"Ah, right, the great big banner at the party," she said thoughtfully. "I get it now. How literary of him. 'Cause the vorpal blade goes snicker-snack. Ain't he clever? No. No he ain't. So then, you're Twilight?"

"Yeah…" Twilight muttered, returning to the desk with the tea. "Twilight Sparkle." She looked back at the photograph, anguished. "What… what is this picture from?"

"Their escape from imprisonment in a far-off land, about twenty years ago."

Twilight frowned. "How can that be? He looks exactly the same."

"He's older than he looks, apparently. And I mean _a lot_ older."

Twilight shook her head with disbelief, and the other's rude smirk quickly vanished. "Listen, I… I'm sorry," she said. "This must be hard for you to take in all at once."

"It's okay," Twilight whispered. "Just tell me your story, please."

"Mmkay," she said, taking a sip of tea. "Well, as you figured out, I used to be Loli Pop. A kid singer known for my happy face, but I never really meant it. I was… shoved, forcefully, into the life of a celebrity at a very young age by my… let's just call her my guardian. But, well…" She lay a hoof on the book she had been reading when Twilight had entered; to Twilight's surprise, she realized it was an ancient volume about name science. "This mumbo-jumbo is pretty true. Not only was I a pop star, I was also a loli. Hehehehehehe… hehehehehehehe… ah-hahahahaha…"

The former pop star launched into a bout of hysterical, desperate, insane laughter that went on for nearly a minute. Twilight waited patiently until the laughter abruptly stopped and was replaced by a very businesslike demeanor.

"There was another local personality in New Clovenshire… Crazyface. Actor, singer, devoted to his kid fans. Naturally, all the comedians in New Clovenshire had jokes about him. 'Ooh, he's always hanging around kids, he must be some sort of child molester, har-de-har-de-har'." She gritted her teeth and glared at Twilight. "Let me tell you: I, for one… didn't… find… those jokes… _funny_."

Twilight gaped. "He… he didn't."

"Oh, he did," the mare said, grinning tightly. "He seduced the hell out of me. I didn't _want_ to bang him, I didn't _like_ it, but it would have been rude to turn him down. Don't you agree?"

"Why didn't you tell somepony?" Twilight whispered frantically.

"I was just a little filly with no education. They'd never taught me anything more than what a frilly little _gewgaw_ needed to know. So, I didn't know he'd done anything that'd get _him_ in trouble… just me. Just… me. So I kept a lid on it. By the time I understood the full implications, that I could get him locked up, it was years later, he was long gone. And anyway, who could I tell? There wasn't a single pony in my life I could trust. So, if I wanted justice, I was gonna have to go out and get it myself. So I made myself over into _this_"—she gestured to her attire—"and left New Clovenshire to hunt him down. I was sixteen."

Twilight bit her lip in concern. "What… what do you mean, 'long gone'?"

"It turned out, New Clovenshire was just their first stop after… whatever it is they were doing in the ten years between this right here"—she tapped the old photograph—"and coming back to Equestria. They've been repeating the process in town after town ever since. They roll in and start integrating into the town's social scene; Crazyface, the upcoming star; Skippmud, his edgy and hip emo lawyer. And Vorpal Blade, the publicist, who is soon accepted as a beloved pillar of the community. They hang around for a year or so; Crazyface satisfies his… _appetite_… for young fillies who can keep a secret, Skippmud performs a few simple cons and scams around town for spare change, and Vorpal Blade gets into everypony's closest confidence… then they strike."

"Str—?" Twilight coughed, realizing her mouth had gone completely dry. She took an unsteady sip of tea, spilling much of it. "The strike… what is the 'the strike'? What do they do?"

She didn't answer.

"TELL ME WHAT THEY DO!" Twilight cried.

The other responded with a feral, bestial snarl, clacking her teeth together in Twilight's face. Twilight flinched away, and the girl calmed down quickly.

"They're master thieves," she said softly. "They steal just about everything of value. They loot museums, trophy rooms, government buildings, ponies' homes… every _unique_ item in the whole town. And then they vanish. They're never caught, never traced, never even suspected. I tail them pretty well, you know, but I can never catch them, never get close enough… I tell ponies, of course, what they do. I tell them exactly who's responsible. But nopony ever believes me… nopony ever believes a word I say…"

"I believe you," Twilight said. "With all of my heart. Your every word rings with real pain. Who wouldn't believe you?"

The other gave a small smile. "I don't know about that. You know, Vorpal Blade's never used a fake name before. Or had a girlfriend. I wonder why he's doing things differently?"

"Don't I feel special," Twilight said bitterly.

"And yet…" the other mused. "And yet, the girlfriend is the first one to consider that he might have done anything wrong."

Twilight exhaled heavily. "He may have gotten me to love him, but I never pretended to know all of his secrets… Nopony has ever even _considered_ that you were telling the truth? That's so… odd."

She nodded, her eyes misting up. "Sometimes, they ignore my warnings so thoroughly, it's like I haven't even spoken. Like I don't even exist…"

Twilight pressed a hoof against her forehead, thinking hard. "That makes no sense! From what you've said, their operation seems so sloppy and obvious… but nopony even suspects? …_How? _I don't get it…" She looked up at the little golden mare. "They have to be stopped."

"Yes, they do," the mare agreed. "Finally, somepony who's figured that out." Out of nowhere, she added, "Hey, you wanna know something else? You know how Crazyface always introduces himself with, 'They used to call me Crazyface the Clown, but nopony likes clowns'? That's a filthy lie. He's never been a clown in his life."

She started gnawing and chewing on her hoof until she drew blood. She looked at the wound, looking darkly satisfied.

"Be that as it may…" Twilight said uneasily. "We should, um…"

"Right!" she snarled thirstily. "Where are they?"

Twilight kicked open the library door with a fierce sense of purpose and marched out into the street, the stranger in tow.

"We'll start at their apartment," Twilight said. "That's where they were when… when…" She sighed. "When I was there all last night and this morning…" She hung her head and started crying.

The leather-clad mare awkwardly reached over to tap Twilight on the shoulder. "It's, um… you're gonna be okay. Okay? But you gotta focus. Where's this apartment?"

Twilight pointed in the general direction.

"Mm-hmm," the mare murmured. "What have they been up to?"

"I… I don't know," Twilight admitted. "I never thought to actually ask what they've been doing all this time! No, wait—I do know that Crazyface is directing the school play."

"School play?" she demanded, thrusting her incredulous face into Twilight's. "What, like, with kids in it?"

Twilight cringed. "Yeah, wh—Oh." She gasped. "Oh, shit."

"Come on," the other snarled. "We'll start at the apartment, I can track 'em from there." She started barreling toward the apartment.

Twilight teleported to block her path. "One last thing," she said. "Who are you?"

The other tilted her head, confused.

"You're not… who you used to be," Twilight explained, hastily correcting herself before mentioning the name. "And I get the feeling you're not really 'Gewgaw' either. So what should I call you?"

She inhaled deeply. "_You_, my friend? You can call me 'Venni'… or 'Slash'. Either one works. My, ah… my name is Vengeance Lash. I picked it out when I left home… and I'm gonna keep it until I get my taste of justice."

Twilight nodded. "Okay then. Lead the way, Venni."

They galloped down the street side by side, furious and fiercely determined.


	33. Chapter 33

**Romance and the Fate of Equestria**

**Chapter Thirty-Three**

Crazyface prowled between apple trees, making his way silently toward the farmhouse. He took a deep breath in preparation, grinned in anticipation, and knocked on the door.

Apple Bloom came to the door. "Mr. Crazyface," she said in surprise.

"Hello, Apple Bloom," he said kindly. "My friends and I are leaving town today for some life-changing business ventures… and we won't be coming back."

"Oh," Apple Bloom said blankly. "Sweetie Belle will be so disappointed."

"Sweetie? Yes, I won't finish what she and I started… I regret that," Crazyface mused. "But I came here to say goodbye to you, personally."

"To me?" Apple Bloom said, getting more and more bewildered.

"Of course. Would you honor me by taking a walk with me through your orchards?"

"O… kay," Apple Bloom said, shrugging. "Yeah, let's go."

They walked together out into the fields of apple trees. Crazyface ran his eyes up and down Apple Bloom's body, taking in every detail. When she turned to him, he averted his eyes.

"So, you really came all the way out here just to see me?" she said.

"Of course, Apple Bloom. I've always considered you a close friend."

"…Huh," Apple Bloom said dully. "Odd."

She continued walking, as Crazyface stood still, irritated at her reaction.

"Well, that went off the rails pretty quick," he muttered, glancing in the general direction of Canterlot. "I'm running out of time. It's been so long, I can't even think straight. Agh, I hate to resort to outright molestation, but… eh, screw it, after today no accusation against me will ever stand. I'm going for it."

He stepped forward toward her, a hungry look in his eyes—but was stopped by a speeding arrow cutting across his path and burying itself deeply into an apple tree.

Crazyface and Apple Bloom turned in surprise to the arrow's source, and saw Granny Smith standing there with an enormous crossbow, already loading another arrow and winding it up.

"That was a warnin' shot," Granny said darkly. "I ain't missed with this thing since I was two. Take another step toward my gran'daughter, and the next arrow gets you in the brain."

"Granny, what the hay—?" Apple Bloom demanded.

"Oh, your granny is quite right about me," Crazyface said smugly. "The truth is, I came here for your body." He turned to Granny Smith. "So, you've noticed that I like working with young fillies a bit too much, eh? It's funny, isn't it—how I can be so flagrantly flirtatious with Cheerilee, and yet everypony still thinks I'm safe to be around kids? Somehow, being a complete lech with grown mares throws ponies off the scent…"

"Not me," Granny hissed. "I had my eye on you and yer two shady friends from the beginnin'."

"Aw, you should have said something sooner," Crazyface said, beaming. "You might have saved Ponyville a great deal of heartbreak."

He lunged at Granny Smith with insane speed. She shot at him, but he crossed his wings in front of his face and the arrow bounced off. He tackled the old mare, knocking her to the ground and pounding her face and chest with his front hooves… over and over and over again. For minutes on end, he gleefully beat her nearly to death, ignoring the frantic, anguished pleas of Apple Bloom, whom he carefully batted away with one of his wings every time she tried to approach.

Eventually, he tired of his ruthless beating and extended a wing, and with unnaturally razor-sharp feathers, sliced Granny Smith's throat.

"NOOO!" Apple Bloom shrieked. "NO, NO, NO! GRANNY!"

Crazyface pinched Apple Bloom's cheeks together with the primary feathers of one wing, silencing her despite her struggles. "Do you know _why_ I decided to masquerade as a children's entertainer?" he said. "Besides the obvious, I mean," he added, wagging his eyebrows at her. "Take a look at this."

He produced a scroll, with three stars painted on it, one blue, one red, and one yellow. "This is the cutie mark that represents caring for children in their formative years. Uncanny, isn't it?" He held the picture against his own cutie mark; while the stars on the paper were cutesy, blunted, and chubby, the wavy and spiky stars on Crazyface's flank looked eerie and sinister by comparison.

"My destiny is a bit different, you see," he hissed. "My purpose is destruction… disintegration, defacement, annihilation! AH-HAHAHAHAHA!"

He took to the air and started swooping around the orchard, using his wings to effortlessly chop down trees by the dozen. Apple trees toppled left and right, and Apple Bloom could only shiver as they fell around her, while Granny Smith lay bleeding beside her.

"And while I'm not much for destroying ponies' bodies…" Crazyface mused as he swooped in on Apple Bloom and pinned her, by her neck, against a tree. "I'm all about breaking your _soul_."

He licked his lips. "Mm-mm-mm. You know, normally, VB would come by afterwards to wipe your memory… so you'd be completely dead inside for the rest of your life, but have no idea why. Which is, you know, hilarious. And yet, I can't help but think about my legacy… and this is a good place to start. I'm glad you're going to remember every little detail of what I'm about to do to you…"

"CRAZYFACE!" a voice screamed. "WE GOT A PROBLEM!"

Skippmud galloped through the orchards, looking terrified as the shadow of Rainbow Dash dropped down upon her.

Rainbow grabbed Skippmud around the midsection, then deliberately let her go. Skippmud ran only a few feet before Rainbow caught her again and flung her against a tree.

She waited until Skippmud got to her feet and tried to run away again, then darted toward her and blasted off into the air with the earth pony held between her hooves. She tossed Skippmud up into the air, then caught her neatly.

"You know, cats have the right idea," Rainbow mused. "One moment, please."

She dropped Skippmud and dove toward Crazyface, tackling him. Apple Bloom tumbled to the ground, gasping for breath.

Rainbow and Crazyface parted, hovering just off the ground as they stared each other down.

"Blast my soul, I am so turned on right now," Crazyface said, laughing hysterically. "You don't wanna mess with me!"

He lunged at Rainbow, who dodged him easily. He continued uncontrollably on his trajectory, frantically attempting to turn around. He snarled and leapt at her again, once again too fast to control himself when she easily stepped aside.

"You got Thread too," Rainbow observed. "But you don't know how to control your newfound strength and speed, 'cause you never practiced. See what I'm saying? There's _no shortcut _to being awesome."

She picked up Crazyface and slammed his body onto Skippmud's, driving both of them to the ground. She flew a few laps around the pair of them, then stood atop a tree stump. When they stood up, she glared at them harshly.

"Make a move, either one of ya," Rainbow challenged. "Any move at all. Give me a reason to take you down again."

"You had to come all the way out here and boink the farm filly," Skippmud grumbled to Crazyface in annoyance.

"Excuse me," Crazyface said patiently, "I thought that we were partners who tolerate each other's quirks."

"Obviously," Skippmud said. "I just thought you fancied Sweetie Belle. Would've been easier. At least _she_ lives in town."

"Ah, yes, she was my first choice, but she's far too sophisticated to succumb to my techniques in just one day," Crazyface said dreamily. "We're on a time limit, so I went with the simple country bumpkin."

"Good plan. And yet, we ended up here somehow."

"You're lucky," Apple Bloom sneered, walking unsteadily toward Crazyface. "If you'd gone after Sweetie Belle and hurt her, I'd have to massacre you… instead of just plain killin' you like I'm gonna do right now for Granny Smith…"

"Easy there, AB." Rainbow Dash rushed to Apple Bloom's side and held out a wing to block her path, never taking her harsh glare off the two villains. "As much as I hate to undercut a little filly who's getting all badass, and as much as I realize this is _your_ fight… it's a very real fight. Somepony's going to get seriously maimed, and I can't let that happen to you. So make yourself useful in another way, like getting your granny to someplace safe."

Apple Bloom turned to glance at Granny Smith, who was unconscious and struggling for breath. "Okay," she said softly.

Rainbow started circling Skippmud and Crazyface, keeping them corralled, every once in a while lashing out at them with a fierce blow to their chests. The two of them attempted to rush off in different directions, but Rainbow caught them both and tossed them back into the few square feet where she had corralled them in the space of less than a second.

"Rainbow Dash!"

Twilight and Venni galloped through the orchard toward the high-speed skirmish. Rainbow turned her head for a single second. Crazyface saw his opening to pick up Skippmud and take to the air.

"No!" Rainbow snapped. She chased after them.

Crazyface started spinning like a top, his wings inflicting cuts all over Rainbow's body. He kicked her and flew off. Rainbow tried to pursue, but was blown back when Crazyface broke the sound barrier. No rainbow followed him, though; only a trail of dust.

Rainbow flapped her wings to steady herself. "How much Thread has he got?" she wondered. "That's just… unstable…" She considered following the dust trail, but quickly decided against it. "Granny," she reminded herself, rushing back to the decimated part of the orchard.

Venni and Twilight looked up at the trail of dust, their eyes going all the way to the end, where Crazyface was merely a speck in the distance.

"They're headed for Canterlot!" Twilight realized.

"Well, that's different," Venni muttered. "They're staying in Ponyville, but their target is in Canterlot. I don't get it, they've been doing things the exact same way for a decade. Why change things now? Something's up, and I mean _way_ up…"

-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-

"Well, _that_ was too close," Crazyface muttered, still on the wing. "Is VB already in Canterlot? I hope?"

"Yep," Skippmud confirmed, dangling beneath him. "Said he's got a new ace up his sleeve."

"A better ace than Golden Thread? That's hard to believe."

"Well, we'll have to see."

-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-

Princess Luna walked down a hallway in the lower portions of the castle. To her surprise, she found a door open, which led to a room made of stone—a room whose floor ended at its halfway point, dropping down a ledge into another, darker room. A single royal guard stood at the ledge.

"Hail, sirrah," Luna said to the guard.

"Ah, Princess Luna," the young unicorn said. He removed his helmet in respect. "It's nearly noon, princess. Shouldn't you be asleep?"

"Do not concern thyself. What goeth on here?"

She joined him on the ledge. In the lower portion of the room, two other royal guards stood, their eyes trained firmly on far exit, which was nothing more than a shoddy, black hole in the wall.

"There have been noises coming from below," the guard explained darkly.

"Noises?"

"Yes, for several hours. They grow louder as time goes by. Listen."

Luna listened carefully, and heard it: a deep _WHOOSH_, like a pair of enormous wings flapping, set off by a flurry of thinner _whoosh_es; many pairs of rapidly-beating smaller wings.

"What could that be?" Luna wondered.

"I don't know, milady."

"Is this the location I think't is?" Luna said suddenly.

"Probably, Your Majesty. This is the entrance to the old crystal mines, where Princess Cadance and Twilight Sparkle were imprisoned by the changeling queen."

Luna furrowed her brow. "This cannot be good. Permit me to stand guard with thee."

"As you wish, Princess."

They stood, staring, for a few more minutes, as the whooshing grew progressively louder, then suddenly stopped.

One of the two guards at the entrance, a troublesome fellow who usually wore a studded-leather jerkin in lieu of his Royal Guard uniform, suddenly cried out and brought a hoof to his head.

The scarred and grizzled veteran beside him turned to him in concern. "Are you all right there, brother?" he said in his soft brogue.

"I… I think I just got a concussion," the pained guard said uneasily.

"What? How?"

"I don't… I don't know…"

"How do you feel?" the elder asked.

"Sleepy," he said simply, before passing out abruptly.

The elder guard frowned, confused. "What could have… agh… ohhh!" He dropped to his knees. "My head… augh… AAAARRRRGHHH!" He unleashed one bloodcurdling scream after another. "EEEAAAARRRGGHHH! AAAUUUGHH!"

He, too, fainted. Luna and the one remaining guard glanced at each other, then in unison jumped down to the lower part of the room and headed toward the deep hole.

"What evil is this?" Luna whispered.

"I don't…" the guard began. He drifted off, then shook his head rapidly. "I don't know, Princess. I'm…" His voice faded again.

"Has something happened?" Luna asked.

"Noises in my head," the guard whispered. "Voices… strange and disturbing voices that won't go away…" He jumped upon her and stared into her face with wild eyes. "Princess, make the voices go away!" he shrieked in blind panic.

Luna tapped him with her horn, and he abruptly fell asleep.

A voice echoed from deep within the mine, a male voice giving a darkly amused chuckle.

Calmly, Luna levitated all three of the unconscious guards and placed them in the upper portion of the room. "Sleep well, warriors. May thy dreams not be as disturbed as what led thee to sleep."

She turned to the mine entrance and stood as tall and proud as only true royalty can. "_I am Luna, princess of the night!_" she announced in a reverberating voice. "_Declare thyself!_"

The voice stopped chuckling and sighed, speaking in a resigned tone. "The name's Vorpal Blade," it said.

The black-furred, white-maned, and white-eyed pony who had been calling himself Snicker-Snack burst out of the darkness and landed on the stony ground… then proceeded to fold his many artificial wings.

Four of the wings, one on each of his ankles, were made of shiny, reflective metal, and folded to wrap around his legs. Another two were made of warm brown wood, and were placed on his hips just above his cutie mark.

Where a true pegasus's wings would be located, he only had a left wing. This seventh wing was made of pale blue slate, and was larger than any real wing, including those of Celestia.

As he folded his seven wings, it became apparent that he also had seven horns; in addition to his own, two wooden ones were set just above his eyes; two dark and steely horns jutted out of his cheeks, pointing to the sides; the one set on the bridge of his nose was made of gold, and the last one, made of swirling white and black marble, hung from his chin like a spiky beard.

"But let's keep the introductions short," Vorpal Blade finished.

"Ay," Luna agreed. In less than a second, she had summoned a flurry of stormclouds that hung ominously from the ceiling. The clouds thundered and rained, and Luna shot a chain of midnight-blue lightning from her horn at the invader.

As the bolt neared Vorpal Blade, it split into seven pieces, and he began carefully absorbing the lightning into each of his horns; his magic aura and hers were almost the exact same color. Luna stopped her attack and glared harshly.

Vorpal Blade grinned and shot a single, gigantic lightning bolt into Luna's chest. Her legs buckled, and she collapsed.

She opened her eyes, seeing nothing but his winged hooves approaching.

"I'm here to ransack the castle, as was foretold by the prophecy," he said softly. "I was just biding my time until I got the power to harm as well as heal… again, as was foretold by the prophecy. It's a whole… thing. Goodnight, Princess Luna."

He stomped on her head with enough force to crack the floor. Her dazed, unfocused eyes watched as he flew over her and into the castle. She reached for him weakly, but couldn't stop herself from joining the three guards in deep, forced unconsciousness.

-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-

**Endnotes**

And this is why, when asked if Snicker-Snack is a villain, I never actually said "No". No, really, I didn't. Let's go back.

When asked, "Did he just read her mind? Can he do anything else immoral?" All I said was, "No, he can't read minds." Which is totally true, he can't. But I neglected to say that, yeah, he's been known to do immoral things. And when I said I would reveal where Snicker-Snack stood in the villainous plot, you said, "Did you just say that Snicker-Snack is evil?" all I said was, "I didn't say that."

Don't look at me like that. I could have just said outright, "No, Snicker-Snack is not a villain", and later claimed that that was true because Snicker-Snack is just an alias used by Vorpal Blade. I'm an evil word-twisting foreshadower, but not _that_ evil.


	34. Chapter 34

**Romance and the Fate of Equestria**

**Chapter Thirty-Four**

"I'm here, y'all."

Applejack rushed into the library, where all the others were gathered around Twilight, who was scanning the page of an enormous book she had open on the floor.

Twilight looked up. "Shouldn't you be at the hospital?" she asked.

Applejack shook her head. "Granny'll be on the table for hours, I won't do her any good standin' around frettin'. I'm going with you, Twilight."

"Thank you," Twilight said softly. "Pinkie, is something the matter?"

Pinkie was sitting down, twisting her hair nervously. "It's just… it's a lot to have to process. A lot to keep track of…"

"You get the gist, right?" Twilight said tersely.

"Is the 'gist' that your boyfriend is a cheap hack of a villain and we're going to beat him up?"

Twilight smirked. "Nice to have us all on the same page." She tapped the passage she had been reading. "I looked up this 'epic teleport' spell… it should work on all seven of us, and get us to Canterlot Castle instantly."

"Seven?" Rarity asked, looking around. "Is Spike joining us?"

"No, he's with Big Macintosh and the Crusaders at the hospital," Twilight said. "This'll be much too dangerous for him. The seventh member of our party is…" She looked around for her, finally spotting her huddled in the corner of a bookshelf. "Venni, get over here. You're a part of this."

Venni nervously shuffled over to them, her eyes darting to each pony in turn, as if waiting for one of them to attack.

"Anyway, 'epic teleport'," Twilight went on. "Teleporting groups is hard, distances even harder. This spell should simplify things. If I succeed, we'll be there in an instant. If I fail…" Her eyes darted over the text, looking increasingly disturbed and horrified. "Ooh… tell ya what, I'll make absolutely sure I don't fail. Are we ready?"

"Ready!" came a general chorus from the others.

"Let's do this thing," Twilight said dangerously.

Her magenta magic aura expanded from her horn and enveloped all seven ponies. The magic exploded and smoked, and they all vanished from the library.

-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-

Shining Armor swung his shield at Vorpal Blade, who dodged. Shining Armor's defenses were left wide open, and Vorpal Blade blasted him with magic. The captain of the guards collapsed to the floor, shivering, his shield on top of him.

"You bastard," Shining Armor hissed. "You filthy, lowlife, traitorous, treasonous…"

Vorpal Blade picked up Shining Armor with his magic and stuck his face uncomfortably close to the captain's. "I'm aware of how much I suck, okay?" he said. "You don't have to tell me." He threw Shining Armor across the long castle corridor, smashing him against a wall.

One of the corridor's huge windows shattered, and Crazyface burst in, Skippmud still dangling from his front hooves.

"You guys are early," Vorpal Blade noted. "Has something happened to compel a hasty retreat?"

"We encountered complications," Crazyface said apologetically, setting Skippmud on the ground.

"Had to cut and run early," Skippmud added. "So let's get this over with, or your dorky GF and all her dysfunctional bitches will be right behind us."

Vorpal Blade stood for a moment, blank and solemn. "That's regrettable," he finally said.

"I thought we had a procedure, man!" Skippmud snapped, smacking Vorpal Blade's chest.

"I know, I'm sorry," he said. "This is nothing we can't handle—here, I brought you guys horns."

He levitated out two CMC unicorn horns and unceremoniously shoved them into his friends' skulls, causing them both to squeal in pain. Crazyface's horn was made of igneous rock, dark red and porous; Skippmud's was of limestone in a swirling pattern of light green and black.

"Skipp, wings for you," Vorpal Blade went on, passing her a pair of pitch-black wings.

"Sweet!" Skippmud said, taking them and activating them. They found the spot on her midsection and installed themselves into her nerves. "AGH!" Skippmud cried out. "Agh… oh yeah," she said softly, flapping the wings clumsily.

"Face, have an earth pony pin," Vorpal Blade said, offering him one made of brass. "I'm not sure what they actually do, but I'm wearing three." He stood erect, showing off his chest, revealing that he was indeed wearing three gem-studded earth pony pins: one red, one green, one pink. "You know, can't be too careful."

Crazyface inserted the pin into his heart, flinching silently. He looked over Vorpal Blade's intensive modifications. "So, er… how come _you_ get to be a septacorn and we don't?"

Vorpal Blade pressed his forehead against Crazyface's firmly. "'Cause I'm the chosen one," he said with a straight face, before breaking out in laughter.

"Ah, of course," Crazyface chuckled. "How could I forget? Blow it up!"

The two stallions bumped their hooves together, then brought them apart in imitation of a slow-motion explosion.

"All right, filly and gentlecolt, let's nick some crown jewels," Vorpal Blade said grandly. "Thankfully, I recently got a castle tour. Let's go."

Vorpal Blade and Crazyface rose into the air and started flying down the corridor. Skippmud followed on hoof, trying to fly, but finding she couldn't get any amount of lift from her frantic, uneven flapping.

"How are you doing that?" Skippmud demanded of Vorpal Blade. "I can't even get off the ground, I can't figure out how to work these wings… how are you flying so perfectly with so many?"

"Well, the whole 'chosen one' thing comes to mind again," Crazyface mused.

Vorpal Blade dropped to the ground. "We'll walk, we're in no hurry."

Skippmud glared. "You didn't see the fight that Rainbow Dyke gave us back there. Trust me… we're in a hurry." She ran down the corridor, leaving the other two in her dust.

Crazyface landed beside Vorpal Blade. "We could try putting Golden Thread on her wings?" he suggested.

"Wouldn't work," Vorpal Blade said, shaking his head. "I've tried it, but it's right there on the Golden Thread packaging, it only strengthens living material. So you can keep a tree branch from breaking, but you can't fix a bridge with it."

"Ah, I see."

"Skipp!" Vorpal Blade called, flying after her. "Skippmud! Skipp, buddy…" He found her at an intersection of corridors, furiously looking from one path to another.

"First of all, it's that way," he said, pointing down the left corridor. "Second, relax a little bit. We can take it easy on this job, we have full run of this castle!"

"Do you?"

The three thieves stiffened and tensed up in surprise. Vorpal Blade managed a smirk, and the three of them turned around slowly, to see Princess Celestia advancing on them, towering over them like a force of nature.

"What sort of fools are you," Celestia said darkly, "to break into my castle in broad daylight and never even consider that I might be here?" Her eyes lit upon Vorpal Blade and she gasped. "Oh!" she said, her eyes widening as she brought a hoof to her mouth. "Oh, no… no, no, no, it's… it's you?"

"It's me," Vorpal Blade said, almost apologetically.

"But… but…" Celestia stammered. "But Twilight…"

"Yup," Vorpal Blade agreed.

Celestia frowned. "You know," she said harshly, "when I first came upon the carnage you left in the entrance to the mines, it occurred to me… that in the millennium I've been princess, very few ponies have seen me truly angry. I thought, well, anypony who would come into my house, and do harm to my sister and our faithful soldiers, would certainly be entitled to be the target of such a display of emotion. But… since in doing so, you've also betrayed my beloved Twilight Sparkle…"

She smiled, and went on in the kindest and most motherly tone of voice imaginable. "You don't deserve the honor of witnessing my anger. All you deserve is oblivion. Prepare yourselves."

She opened her eyes wide, and from both her eyes and her horn shot a continuous, waving, golden sunbeam—as wide as the corridor, it enveloped the trio of thieves, causing them to writhe in the intense, burning light.

Vorpal Blade summoned a pair of midnight-blue, knife-shaped shields of pure magic, setting them in front of his two companions, blocking the onslaught of sunlight energy. "It's all in your heads, guys!" he bellowed. "She's not doing any real harm!"

In response, Celestia's beam intensified, shattering the shields and blowing Skippmud and Crazyface far down the corridor. Vorpal Blade stood his ground and walked against the wavering beam, finally stepping out into the open space where the beam's arc didn't touch the floor, as it expanded out from Celestia's eye level.

The princess ceased her onslaught, as the beam coming from her eyes blinded her, to look down at Vorpal Blade. He responded with a pearl of light shooting straight into her head.

"Oh, you can't hesitate for even a second, Princess," Vorpal Blade said sweetly. "That's all it takes for me to get into your head."

She looked at him in horror, silently.

"That's right, you've forgotten how to breathe, haven't you? Don't worry, it'll start back up after you pass out. But, just to make sure you _stay_ passed out, let me restrict the flow a little bit."

Two tendrils of blue magic emerged from his many horns and swung around Celestia's sides. In a panic, Celestia used a pair of her own sun-yellow magic tendrils to push his magic away. The small bits of magical energy skirmished with each other for a few moments, before Vorpal Blade's magic slipped beneath Celestia's defenses and smashed her ribs on either side.

Celestia wheezed as her breath was squeezed out of her.

"Booyah," Vorpal Blade growled.

Skippmud weakly tried to stand up, her heart not really in it until she came to a realization. "Vorpal Blade!" she cried out, jumping to her hooves. "Vorpal Blade, what—"

"No way!" Crazyface exclaimed.

Vorpal Blade stood atop the collapsed and broken form of Celestia. He waved to the other.

"How is that even possible?" Skippmud muttered.

"You're still just a pony, aren't you?" Crazyface said nervously.

Vorpal Blade chuckled. "Heh… heh heh… eh heh heh heh heh… aaaah ha ha ha ha… AAAAH HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HAAAAAAAAA!" He threw his head back wildly. "THIS—IS—WHAT WAS ALWAYS SUPPOSED TO HAPPEN! THIS—IS WHAT WAS PROMISED—TO MEEEEEEE! HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH!"

"Hey, pal," Skippmud said sharply. "Leave a bit of scenery for somepony else to chew, would you? We got crown jewels to steal."

Vorpal Blade grinned. "Right!"

-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-

The Canterlot treasure vault was, like most rooms in the castle, deep and narrow and high-ceilinged. Ancient suits of armor, weapons, magical talismans, enormous carvings and sculptures of bronze, clay, and iron—all these things lined the walls of the windowless vault, but the three thieves paid them no mind, walking straight to the end of the vault to the enormous glass case which displayed six jewels unlike any others in the world.

"Here they are," Vorpal Blade said, opening the case with unnatural ease, as if it hadn't even been locked. "The crown jewels of Equestria, and all the power that implies."

The smallest of the jewels—a bright green gem carved in the shape of a dagger—was larger than a pony's head. Even larger were the white gem in the shape of a war hammer, and the pink one shaped like a dancing lick of flame.

"The unicorn Princess Platinum showcased them in a weekly parade," Vorpal Blade said, levitating the gems out of their case one by one. "Her daughter, the mad immortal Amethyst Abjurer Dweomer—a.k.a. Princess Bubbles—loved them so much that it took a love poison to get her to so much as lift her eyes from them."

He lifted out the next two gems, a brown bow with a matching arrow nocked and a dark green stringed instrument, perhaps a lute or a mandolin. Each of these gems was longer than a pony's body.

"And the old master-o'-chaos himself, Discord… when he got carried away in his torturous games and his playthings died on him, he'd nab their newly-released souls and stick 'em in one of these guys so he could play with them forever…"

He called the largest jewel to himself, a midnight-blue broadsword with a length greater than any three of the others, greater than any three ponies standing end-to-end. He touched it gently with his hoof.

"They say each gem still has _one_ pony's soul still trapped in there," he whispered. He levitated all six of the gems into the air above himself and his companions, giving them a clear view of their prize. "Celestia, meanwhile, has kept the gems in a box for the past thousand years. And she wonders why all the other goddesses call her a sissy."

He turned around and starting marching purposefully out of the vault, the gems over his head and his two friends in tow. "Savor this moment, fellas, this is our finest moment in all our years as thieves. We won't top ourselves until the day we steal Equestria itself! This is the ultimate heist, the alpha and the omega of bling-bling. I wish I knew a song about these gems so I could break into a big show-stopping number right now!"

A beam of magenta magic cut across Vorpal Blade's many horns, causing his levitation spell to end and the six gems to come tumbling to the ground. Twilight stood at the entrance, the tip of her horn smoking.

"Hooves off the bling-bling, Vorpal Blade," she commanded. "It doesn't belong to you."

"Smiley!" Vorpal Blade said, delighted. "Um… heh…" His grin turned into an awkward chuckle as he noticed her blatantly unsmiling face. "Of all the heists in all the world, you had to walk in on… wait a minute, you called me Vorpal Blade. Where did you hear that name?"

"Made a new friend," Twilight said. "One who's devoted her entire adult life to putting you three away."

"Ah, Loli," Crazyface said, grinning wildly.

"That psychopath?" Vorpal Blade said in disgust. "And you just took her word over mine, just like that? What kind of girlfriend are you?"

"The fact that you're currently robbing Canterlot Castle kind of undercuts your point, don't you think?" Twilight said.

Skippmud laughed. "She ain't wrong, Veeb."

"So how is Loli these days?" Crazyface said through a tight, unsettling smile.

"She's good," Twilight said. "Especially since her quest is nearly over."

Venni leapt to Twilight's side, crouched like a dog ready to attack, grinding her teeth and growling. The rest of Twilight's friends filed in one after another, forming a V-formation with Twilight as the head.

"You guys wanna fight, or will you come quietly?" Twilight asked.

"Oh, you're gonna have to come and get us," Vorpal Blade said sweetly.

"Fine," Twilight snapped. "Venni, you've fought these guys before, right?"

"Actually, no," Venni confessed, her entire body quivering in fury. "This is the closest I've ever been to them since I started hunting them."

"Hm. Well, okay, doesn't matter, I'm putting you in charge anyway. Direct the group in the best way you can think of to disable Skippmud and Crazyface." She started forward. "There's six of you and two of them so, you know, just stay loose and have fun with it."

"What'll you do?" Fluttershy demanded anxiously.

"I'm going to have a word with my boyfriend… alone."

With powerful bursts of magic, she blasted Vorpal Blade's companions and the crown jewels to the sides of the room. An immense force field bubbled out around Twilight, taking in both her and Vorpal Blade, before solidifying, becoming impenetrably black.

Crazyface tapped on the dome-shaped field. It made an ethereal whispering sound, but didn't give way.

Twilight's friends looked at Venni expectantly. She shrugged her shoulders, the gesture rolling through her entire body. "If you're looking for military leadership tactics or whatever, I'm afraid you're gonna be disappointed. Just follow my lead."

She raised herself up on her back legs. Two knives extended from the bands around her front hooves, and she leaped powerfully at Crazyface, banging him against the dome.

-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-

Twilight and Vorpal Blade stood facing each other in a void of total blackness. Nothing was visible but the pair of them, and they could see each other perfectly.

"So… we're alone," Vorpal Blade said, seeming resigned. "What'd you wanna talk about?"

"I just don't _get_ it, Vorpal Blade," Twilight sighed. "You've dedicated your whole life to lies and thievery when you could have been healing. _Should_ have been! Isn't that what your cutie mark wants?"

"I heal," Vorpal Blade said dully. "I heal ponies of the unhealthy belief that possessions matter. And then, while they're standing there in slack-jawed, childlike catatonia, I take all their stuff while they watch." He chuckled bitterly. "It's temporary, of course. Crime is crime, but permanently damaging somepony's mind? Be difficult to live with myself if I did that."

Twilight glared. "So you have some morals, then."

"Some," he agreed.

"Then heal me," Twilight said.

He tilted his head to the side. "Hmm?"

"Heal me…" Twilight's voice broke, and she swallowed before continuing, "…of my love for you, of the anguish of finding out who you really are, of the sorrow when I think of what we could have been. If you truly have a heart or a conscience, then please… _please_… rid me of all these ailments, permanently."

Vorpal Blade looked down at his hooves in shame. "Gee… I'd like to. I _want_ to, but…" He looked off into the distance and abruptly changed the subject. "You know, the one permanent thing I afflict on ponies is to wipe away any chance that they'd suspect my partners and I of wrongdoing. That's why we've never been caught, you see? Because everypony we meet has a mental block against suspecting us. _Somehow_," he said contemptuously, "dear old Loli Pop slipped through the cracks, remembers what we've done with perfect clarity. But forget her, she doesn't matter."

He looked deeply into Twilight's eyes, despite the distance between them. "Now… since I genuinely do care for you, I deliberately neglected to do that to anypony in Ponyville. And since I care for you more than care for myself, I'm tempted to do what you've asked. But… I feel it'd be detrimental."

"To what?" Twilight prompted.

"To this thing I've got going, the reason I came to Canterlot in the first place: Power. We are after power. Power, whether it be financial or political, physical… or magical. Now you, you swear by the magic of friendship and love. Which is… okay, I guess. But it's not thinking big enough—the real magic lies in hate. Hatred is magic. And so long as you hate me, I'll have power. Not just in the sense of me hanging over your head all the time, but actual magical power. It's part of the deal I made to get here. And for you to hate me properly, you need to still remember what it was like to be in love with me. I'm sorry."

Twilight scoffed. "Honestly? _Hatred?_ So you're not just the scum of the earth, you're also evil."

"Something like that, yes," he said sadly.

-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-

Rainbow Dash grappled with Skippmud against a wall.

"Don't touch me," Skippmud sneered, punching Rainbow across the room.

Rainbow and Rarity came at Skippmud from two different directions, but she spun around with her false wings extended, unbalancing the pair of them, then picked up Rarity and hurled her back toward the entrance.

"It's NOT my time to lose!" Skippmud growled. "I've been at this too long!"

"I'll say." Venni stood atop Twilight's force field, and flung a bola at Skippmud. The weighted cord entangled her limbs, knocking her to the ground. "You've gotten old, Skipp!"

"So have you." Crazyface mowed Venni down, pushing her all the way to the back of the vault, crushing her against the wall and letting her fall to the floor. He swept her face twice with his wings, leaving deep cuts, then pinned her against the wall, groping her theatrically. "Mmmmmm, Loli, you were so much more erotic as a filly, but you'll do… you, my dear, will _do_."

Venni produced a few small round objects from the pockets of her neck ring, dropping them to the floor. They exploded in clouds of flame and black smoke, knocking Crazyface away from her.

Skippmud flexed, breaking free of her bonds. Instantly, Venni whipped out two throwing stars and tossed them in two separate directions, effortlessly plugging both Skippmud and Crazyface in their shoulders.

Rainbow dropped to the ground alongside Venni. "Nice moves you're whipping out there," she said.

"Thanks," Venni said graciously. "You got some moves too, I've noticed."

"Yeah, I got the moves," Rainbow chuckled.

"Remind me who the filly with all the pockets is?" Rarity asked Applejack. "Besides being the 'Gewgaw' we were told to avoid but whom apparently we now trust?"

She cast a spell on Skippmud's mane, pulling it tight in all directions and holding her in place, making her grimace in pain. Applejack charged and headbutted Skippmud's face, knocking her back but leaving much of her hair floating in place.

"I dunno," Applejack said, in response to Rarity. "But she's like a superhero with all those little weapons she's pullin'."

"Ha!" Venni barked, coming up to the two of them. "Hey, I've been making plans for this fight for, what, nine years now? I can only _hope_ I get to hit them with everything I've always wanted to hit them with."

She pulled a long black chain out of a compartment in her breastplate. The link at the end of the chain somehow spiraled out into a fully-sized wrecking ball, which she swung in an arc over her head, bashing Crazyface's midsection.

-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-

"I'll level with you, Twilight," Vorpal Blade said, pacing back and forth in the cramped pitch-blackness. "This job, breaking into the castle and taking the crown jewels? It was gonna happen today no matter what, and succeed. It was kind of… written. Predestined, or prophesied, or whatever. Things like Golden Thread, Crusaders Mecha, a girlfriend who could give me access to knowledge of the castle's entrances and inner workings? Those were all just… _bonuses_."

He stopped pacing and chuckled glumly. "Actually falling in love with you, that's more of an unanticipated obstacle that I'm gonna have to work to overcome. But hey, what's life _without_ unanticipated obstacles?"

"Well, that's a crying shame," Twilight said graciously, "'cause I'm completely over _you_." She lowered her head in an attack stance, her horn sparking and smoking. "I'm done talking. Put 'em up!"

Vorpal Blade scoffed. "What, are you gonna fight me, Twilight? Maybe you didn't notice, but I just took down Celestia."

"I saw," Twilight growled.

"Yup," he chuckled. "Took her down in one shot… and with a very satisfying crunching noise, I may add. You're not gonna be so arrogant as to compare yourself to Celestia, are you?"

"Not at all," Twilight said. "Except in the sense that I'm the one she calls when everything goes to hell."

She enveloped him in a pillar of pink flame.

-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-

Venni had a garrote around Crazyface's neck, struggling against him as the minutes went by. Skippmud swirled and danced around the corridor, managing to keep Rainbow Dash, Applejack, and Rarity at bay all at once, but the three of them were improving in their coordination and slowly gaining the advantage against the powerful and nimble thief.

Pinkie Pie and Fluttershy stood near the entrance, apprehensively watching the goings-on.

"I'm not sure how we fit into this fight," Pinkie confessed.

"Neither am I," Fluttershy said. "But I'm sure that if we were truly _needed_, we'd know."

"Yeah…" Pinkie said thoughtfully. "Ooh! Should we go get the Elements of Harmony? They're around here somewhere, right?"

"Only the two of us?" Fluttershy said uncertainly.

"Yeah! It's not like they're some mighty evil or anything, they're just two ponies. Just the two of us could blast 'em!"

Fluttershy shrugged. "Why bother? We're pretty much winning. And it wouldn't do to run off, just in case they need our help immediately."

"I guess you're right," Pinkie said, her eyes scanning the entire room. "Are those cracks in the ceiling?"

Fluttershy followed her gaze to a thin crack slowly making its way across the ceiling of the vault. "…Huh," she said uneasily.

-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-

Vorpal Blade sidestepped the coils of pink sand that were attempting to grab him. "You've taken precautions," he observed. "I can't find your consciousness."

"It's elsewhere," Twilight said. "I had to guard myself from you."

"Cool."

He called an assortment of knives made of magical energy, and had them lunge at Twilight from various directions. She blocked them one at a time with scarcely a thought.

He created a shapeless, ghostly creature with a horrific face. The monster swooped down on Twilight, but she sliced the phantasm in half with a slash of her horn.

He shot lightning at her, but she countered with lightning of her own. The two crackling bolts met in the middle, neither giving way to the other. Vorpal Blade started sweating and struggling, attempting to push his lightning past hers. Twilight, meanwhile, was clearly not even trying, standing there with slackened muscles, her eyes at half-mast, a theatrical smirk on her face, waiting for him to run out of energy.

The deep blue lightning faded, and the magenta lightning struck, banging Vorpal Blade against the invisible wall of the force field.

"You pathetic, simple-minded creep," Twilight said calmly.

She summoned an ocean wave, which passed over her but smashed into Vorpal Blade violently.

"Maybe hatred is more powerful than friendship, I couldn't say," Twilight said, advancing on him slowly. "But you don't _embody_ hatred, you just channel it. It's not your area of expertise. Your 'area' is healing, but you've turned your back on it, foolishly."

She called up a swarm of flaming meteors, then sent them flying one at a time into his chest.

"Me? Friendship fills every cell of my body. I'm harmony given life, love given physical form."

With a crick of her neck, she set him on fire. He screamed.

"In other words, you can't best me at magic because—not unlike my good friend, the vigilante formerly known as Loli Pop—I _am_ magic. _The _magic."

As the flames died down, revealing some of Vorpal Blade's already-black fur even more blackened and some of it gone altogether, he broke out laughing.

"That was awesome, Smiley," he said, coughing. "How will you ever top such an inspiring heroic monologue next time we meet?"

"We will _never_ meet again," Twilight snarled. She encased him in a force field shaped exactly like his body, leaving him barely able to move. "I have you," she spat, "and you're going to prison for a very long time."

"No, see, it's destiny that I'll leave here today with the crown jewels and live to steal again," Vorpal Blade said brightly. "After that, my fate is less clear, but I know you well enough to know that when I return, you'll be there to try and stop me. 'Cause you're you," he finished, his voice full of admiration.

Twilight shrugged. "You may want to sue whoever makes your 'prophecies', because they're wrong. You're finished."

"What I've come to understand about this particular prophecy is that, whenever it starts to look like I can't succeed, something really weird happens to turn the tide in my favor."

-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-

Venni flung another of her small bombs at Crazyface, who stood atop Twilight's force field. He flew out of the bomb's range, and it shattered the pitch-black dome. Venni tossed another one, and Crazyface caught it gently in his wing, then flung it at the ceiling.

The explosion intersected with the odd crack, and a huge chunk of the ceiling fell down upon the dome, making it vanish altogether. When the smoke cleared, Vorpal Blade was standing free while Twilight was pinned underneath the rubble.

"Yep, just like that," Vorpal Blade said cheerfully. "Oh, _there's_ your brain!" He cast a spell on her.

Twilight gaped in horror. "What have you done? _What have you done?_ I can't remember how to use magic! I can't use magic! DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHAT YOU'VE DONE TO—"

"Re… lax!" Vorpal Blade snapped. "It'll wear off when I'm gone."

A small hurricane appeared over his head, and powerful gusts of wind filled the chamber. Skippmud, Crazyface, and the crown jewels were drawn toward the center of the storm, while Twilight's friends were blown away. Only Venni managed to hold her ground well enough not to move.

"I have just one more question," Twilight shouted over the winds. "If you really did love me, why did you go ahead and do all of this anyway?"

"Did, past tense?" Vorpal Blade demanded. "I _do_ love you. But… these two were here first." He draped his arms across Skippmud and Crazyface's shoulders. "They'll always be first."

The trio laughed darkly as Vorpal Blade's many horns sparked, and they vanished.

Twilight's magic returned to her, and she lifted the piece of ceiling off of herself. "Teleportation?" she muttered. "But I thought that only I could do that… how did he get all of those spells? It can't _just_ be all those horns that gives him this power."

Venni tapped Twilight gently. "I'm gonna go," she said.

"Go?" Twilight asked.

"Where I belong: tracking them down," Venni said. "It used to be, I was hunting them only for myself. Maybe that's why I failed, I had no passion." She put a hoof on Twilight's shoulder, and Twilight flinched uneasily. "Now I'm hunting them for _you_, my friend. And I'm gonna bring them back—for you."

"Oh… okay, yeah," Twilight said blankly. "Go get 'em."

"I shall!" Venni said grandly. She looked up at Twilight with a thoughtful expression. "Hey… maybe when I've brought justice on them and I don't have to be Vengeance Lash anymore, I'll… I'll tell you my real name, the one I was born with. No one's heard my real name for fifteen years."

"Okay, Venni," Twilight said. "Just one thing: just remember that justice and vengeance aren't the same thing."

"Oh, I know. Except in this case, they are. Seeing them in a Canterlot prison will be all the vengeance I need." Venni pulled Twilight into a crushing hug. "Goodbye, my dearest friend."

"Gah! What?" Twilight choked out.

Venni pulled away and looked her in the eye. "We've been wronged, you and I. We're like sisters in that way. And I'll show no mercy to the one who wronged my sister."

Twilight nodded. "Okay, friend. So why don't you get out there and come galumphing back here with his head?"

Venni smirked, patted Twilight's shoulder comfortingly, and galloped out of the treasure vault.

"Dearest friends, huh?" Applejack said, coming up alongside Twilight as they watched her go.

"Guess so," Twilight said, amused.

"Ain't that just like you, Twilight? You musta made a real impression on her. You always do."

"Yeah, I don't really get it," Twilight muttered. "It never occurred to me in the couple of hours I've known her that we were 'best friends'. I've barely spoken to her… but I've spoken to her. I wonder if she's ever had that chance to tell somepony who she is. Thanks to Vorpal Blade's meddling, none have ever listened to her or cared when she told of her raison d'être and what she's been through. But I did. It must have made a difference to her heart. Sometimes, one pony is all you need."

-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-

Twilight carefully swirled her horn around her brother's head, spreading dust on him to wake him up.

"Hey, BBBFF," she said, forcing herself to smile.

"Twilie…" Shining Armor groaned. "It was Snicker-Snack."

"I know."

"I'm so sorry," Shining Armor muttered. "I did this, I told him everything…"

"Shh," Twilight whispered. "You didn't do anything wrong. You were just being a brother."

Shining Armor was on his hooves now, and looked at Twilight with pity. "I'm so sorry," he said again.

Twilight knew he was sorry for something else, something unrelated to him. "Thank you," she said softly.

"Twilight!" Rarity called.

Twilight turned to where Rarity stood over Princess Celestia, who was stirring and attempting to stand.

"Princess…" Twilight gasped, running toward her.

"Twilight?" the princess said weakly. "Twilight, my beloved, is that you?"

"Yes, Princess."

Celestia opened her eyes and surveyed Twilight. Her face fell. "Oh… oh, poor Twilight… your heart is shattered."

Twilight chuckled bitterly. "My heart, Princess? I'm more worried about your ribs."

Celestia stood, and her mane began flowing around her. "I swear to you, I will use all means at my disposal to hunt down that vile traitor."

"Thank you, Your Majesty," Twilight said with a bow. "But don't sweat it. The hunt is already on."

-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-

Venni stood atop the highest spire in Canterlot. From her uncountable pockets, she produced a large, folded mass of cloth and numerous wooden rods.

The cloth expanded into an enormous kite shape, and she used the rods to fortify and stiffen it. She attached herself to her primitive hang-glider with a collapsible wooden handle.

A gust of wind came, and she jumped off the spire, floating away from Canterlot and into the hazy distance.


	35. Chapter 35

**Romance and the Fate of Equestria**

Well, that was Part One's climax. That was a pretty good way to celebrate the fic's one-year anniversary, albeit a little late.

Now it's denouement time, where everything winds back a bit before Part Two comes marching in. I'd like to thank all of my readers and reviewers… which, at the time of writing, is just one guy, but he's a hell of a guy. Hi, One Guy! Thanks for reading!

It's ShadowofaDemon88, but from now on I'm calling him One Guy. Unless I ever get another guy, of course.

**Chapter Thirty-Five**

The six friends were now in the waiting room of Ponyville's hospital. Some paced the floor, some simply sat motionless. No one was anything less than devastated.

Spike edged over to Twilight, tapping her on the flank. "Twilight, I'm… I'm sorry."

"Thanks, Spike." She had been staring at the floor, a tear occasionally dripping off of her face and smacking against the tile.

"You didn't deserve this."

Twilight exhaled. "I keep finding myself seething over what he did… but I can't. I shouldn't, I mean. It gives him power… he said his magic is fueled by my hate, somehow. I have to control myself."

She leaned back, gazing into the harsh overhead lights. "You know, I'm not worried. He'll get caught. He robbed the princess; soon, everyone in Equestria will know his name and his face. Nowhere in Equestria will be safe for him." She produced the photograph Venni had left her. "Then again… if he's gone outside of Equestria… it won't matter. He'll still be caught."

"But Twilight," Spike said anxiously, "what about all those towns where he brainwashed everypony into never suspecting him?"

"Hmm, that's true," Twilight muttered. "When the news of him comes in, they'll all just dismiss it, I imagine. He could stand right next to a wanted poster of himself and they'd be able to somehow rationalize it. But… there's always the memory spell I used when the others were corrupted by Discord. If it can break Discord's brainwashing, it can break Vorpal Blade's. I'll need to research or construct a way to cast it on entire towns… not to mention, I need to figure out exactly _which_ towns he's been to since he started all of this… hmm. It's complicated, but it's doable, Spike. He won't get away with _anything_."

Applejack had been pacing back and forth, and noticed Apple Bloom sitting in a chair between her two fellow Crusaders, staring directly ahead at nothing in particular.

"Hey, AB," she said apologetically. "Listen, if you wanna talk about what that scum-from-the-gutter Crazyface tried to do to you, me and Big Mac are…"

"No," Apple Bloom said tonelessly. "He didn't do nothin'. Rainbow Dash came to the rescue just in time."

"Okay," Applejack said uncertainly. "Then, um… I don't think you have to worry 'bout Granny Smith. She'll pull through."

"I ain't worried about that either, Applejack."

Applejack looked her sister over with concern. "Well… what are you all… _catatonic_ about, then? If you don't mind me askin'?"

Apple Bloom sighed. "It's all my fault."

"What is?" Applejack demanded.

"Those guys, you said they were usin' our Mecha!" Apple Bloom burst out. "He musta taken it out of the barn early this mornin'. It's my fault, I'm the one who wanted to create it, and I'm the one who ran all around town with it where anypony could see. If I hadn't done that, maybe you guys coulda beat them, maybe they never even woulda gotten past the princesses. It's my fault they got away."

Applejack's lip quivered sympathetically. "Listen, Apple Bloom…"

The hospital doors opened abruptly as if blown by the wind. A single pony entered, and the nurse looked up. "Hello, are you here to see—oh. Oh my goodness. Princess Luna?"

Luna bowed her head. "I greet thee, Redheart, you who doth come from a long line of great healers. I am here for the Crusaders."

"The… the Crusaders?" Redheart said in confusion.

Luna's eyes fell upon the three slumped-over fillies. "Ah, there they are. May I?"

"Of course, Princess," Redheart said, bowing.

As Luna approached, Applejack stepped aside with a light bow of her own. "I reckon you're just in time, Princess. Apple Bloom was just in the middle of blamin' herself for everything that went down over at the castle, and I'm sure these other two girls aren't in the best of moods about it either."

Luna stood directly in front of the three of them on their chairs. "Well, Crusaders? Thy sister speaks true, I take it? Tell me what troubles thee, sweet ones."

Apple Bloom gnawed on the tip of her hoof anxiously. "Skippmud's an earth pony," she said. "Crazyface is a pegasus, and Sn—Vorpal Blade, whoever he is, is a unicorn."

Sweetie Belle gazed plaintively up at Luna. "The three races can unite for evil too."

Luna nodded solemnly. "Ay. Such a thing is far more common than a union for good, I fear."

"Well… why didn't you tell us that?" Scootaloo demanded in a choked-up voice.

"'Twould have been a moot point," Luna said. "Thou art not evil, my students. Thou didst create thy machinery for the good of ponykind. Wipe any thoughts of blaming thyselves from thy minds: this was not thy fault."

"If this happens again," Apple Bloom said shakily, "if other ponies use our creation to do bad stuff? That _will_ be our fault."

"We have to destroy it all," Scootaloo muttered, looking away in shame.

"But… but it makes ponies happy," Sweetie Belle said. "We gave it to Cheerilee and Fluttershy, ponies who don't have any badness in them at all, and they love it. We can give our gift to more good ponies like them."

"But how will we know the good ponies from the bad ponies, huh?" Scootaloo challenged. "We can't risk any more of it getting out there into the world."

"What should we do, Princess?" Apple Bloom whispered desperately.

Luna beheld them for a few seconds more. "I've… absolutely no idea," she confessed. "I am still unaccustomed to making such decisions. But nor would I leave such a weighty choice to children. Were it my decision to make, I would ask my sister for counsel; perhaps thou shouldst take a similar approach. Consult the adults in thy lives, that is all the advice I can offer thee."

She looked to the floor sadly. "I must go. There is much to do at the castle. My sister and I must attend to what has happened and what may yet happen." She bent down, getting to the Crusaders' eye level. "Do not lose hope, my sweet Crusaders. Thou hast so much unexplored potential." She stood up and gently kissed Apple Bloom's forehead. "Keep in touch," she whispered into the filly's hair.

As the princess turned to go, she called one last thing over her shoulder. "My heart goes out to thee, Twilight Sparkle."

Twilight merely grunted to indicate she had heard.

Just before Luna passed once again through the front doors, the caramel-coated unicorn doctor emerged into the waiting room. "Big Macintosh, Applejack, and Apple Bloom?" he called.

The three of them rushed over to him as fast as they could. "Give it to us straight, Dr. Stable," Applejack said. "How's our granny doin'?"

"She is… well," Dr. Stable said slowly. "The surgery was successful. I was able to completely heal all of her internal injuries with magic, and the wound to her throat has been sealed. I took the liberty of awakening her; she's quite aware of her surroundings, though her voice is quite strained; I've asked her not to try and speak for a while. Normally, I'd keep her for another hour or so and then give her over to the capable care of the Apple family."

Applejack's face fell. "But… something's not normal," she stated rather than asked.

The doctor sighed, looking sincerely pained. "Your grandmother is… very, very old, as I'm sure you understand. I believe that she already had very little time left, and that the stress and trauma her body has been put through today has… cut into that time."

He looked over the three Apples with wide, sorrowful eyes. "She's more lucid than I've ever seen her, but we're losing her. I came out here to tell the three of you that… it might be time to say your goodbyes."

Big Macintosh gaped. "I… I…"

"Go," Dr. Stable said softly. "Just go."

They raced past him, galloping off into the depths of the hospital. Dr. Stable wiped sweat from his forehead and leaned against the nurse's desk.

"Doctor?" Nurse Redheart said gently. "You did all you could. You always do."

"Yes, I know," Dr. Stable muttered. "It's just… Ponyville without Granny Smith… can you even imagine? I don't think I can. And I have to be the one to… to…"

Fluttershy started weeping, burying her face in the crook of her elbow.

Twilight rocked forward and back, keeping her eyes focused on the gruesome old photograph of Vorpal Blade, only aggravating her emotional state.

"Twilight, darling?" Rarity got into the seat next to Twilight's and leaned toward her. "I wanted to tell you… please don't despair about this. In spite of everything, being in love was a good look for you. And you handled yourself wonderfully every step of the way. You know what they say: a relationship is just practice for the next one."

"Ugh!" Twilight snapped. "Would everypony please stop it with the clichés? They don't really apply in this situation! What's next? 'Oh, everypony's first boyfriend is a mass-hypnotizing international criminal!' Yeah, I don't think that one's gonna fly, Rarity."

"Don't snap at me," Rarity snarled. "I'm on your side, Twilight. And ponies are saying these things to you because they want to help. He betrayed all of us, you know."

"Oh, really?" Twilight said derisively.

"Yes," Rarity said coldly. "Because first of all, betraying you _is_ betraying all of us. If you think otherwise, you're a fool. We will _always_ be here with you to feel your pain."

Twilight blinked. "I… thank you, Rarity. You're right. I'm sorry."

"I know we can't feel exactly what you're feeling," Rarity muttered. "But… well, we all liked him and desired his friendship. We'd all like to see him suffer." She sighed. "To think… I was barely minutes away from asking him about a cure for the self-loathing that's been plaguing me these past months."

Twilight looked up in surprise. "Self-loathing?" she repeated.

"Oh," Rarity said, blushing. "Erm… I'm sorry. This is not about me."

"Rarity, you kind of _made_ it about you when you let slip that you hate yourself."

"_I know!_" Rarity choked out. She trembled, and a single tear fell from her eyes. "I… I know," she went on, more quietly. "I always make everything about me. I'm… horrid." She stood up. "I'm hopelessly flawed, fickle and vain and… it's time I realized that all of my friends would be better off without me. I think I'll go now. I need some time alone. If you need me, I'll be… surprised."

She laughed bitterly and started toward the door. Spike and Sweetie Belle stood up in unison and ran forward to intercept her from two different directions.

Rarity turned around and halted them. "It's sweet that your first impulse is to try and stop me, but I'm actually quite sure about this. With me out of your lives, you'll be better off." She beamed at them, tapping their heads. "Trust me. Please?"

Spike and Sweetie Belle glanced at each other, then quickly looked away. Rarity started once again for the exit.

"RARITY, SIDDOWN!"

Rarity immediately did so, her eyes wide in fear. The screech had come from Pinkie Pie, who was laying on her back across three chairs. She was glaring angrily at the ceiling, and her hair was straight and limp.

"Uh-oh," Rainbow muttered. "Scary Pinkie. It's happening…"

"Pinkie, are you okay?" Twilight said nervously.

"No, I'm not okay," Pinkie snarled. "Everything's _changing_, and not in a good way, it's all the worst things coming together. Granny's gonna die. Twilight got her heart smushed. And now Rarity thinks she sucks and doesn't want to infect the rest of us with her presence? It's too much, man, it's too much! It's never gonna be the same anymore. How will any of our lives go on?"

There was silence for a few seconds. "Pinkie…" Rainbow said tenderly.

"Life WILL go on. Granny said so."

Everypony turned to see Applejack, standing back in the waiting room, her expression serene and her chin sticking in the air.

Big Macintosh walked, zombielike, past her and over to Fluttershy. He picked her up out of her seat and hugged her close. "Granny's gone," he rasped, burying his face in her shoulder.

"Oh!" Fluttershy peeped. "Oh my goodness…" Her own tears started flowing yet again.

Apple Bloom wandered unsteadily into the room, toward the other Crusaders. "She died, girls," she said in shock. "She died right in front of me while I was lookin' at her…"

The other fillies pulled Apple Bloom close. The remaining mares gathered around Applejack.

"It's okay, it's okay," Applejack said stoically. "Listen, y'all… back when I lost my parents, I thought that was it. That there was nothin' for me anymore, there'd never be any… stability. But Granny told me, she told me the same thing she'd say if she was here right now—you have to go on with your life, or it'll go on without you. You see what I'm sayin'?"

Rainbow nodded as she stepped up to Pinkie and started rubbing her back. "We gotta keep doin' what we do—and don't let the bad stuff weigh us down."

Big Mac let out a sob at that, and Fluttershy held him tightly, pressing her face into his fur as well. "I'm here… it'll all be okay in the end…"

"'Cause life's not over 'til it's over," Applejack declared. "Twilight, you with me?"

Twilight looked at the floor thoughtfully. "I… I agree. No matter how hopeless things seem… the world keeps on turning. We have to turn with it. We have to keep our heads on, even if our hearts are crushed." She looked up, and around at the others. "But let's not go back to our everyday routine just yet. There's one more thing that needs to be done. Come on, ladies."


	36. Chapter 36

**Romance and the Fate of Equestria**

**Chapter Thirty-Six**

"Gilda."

"Hmm?"

Gilda, adjusting and cleaning some of the displays in the Golden Thread store, turned her head to see all six pony friends standing behind her, boxing her in.

"I'll get right to the point," Twilight stated. "Three criminals just robbed Canterlot Castle using Golden Thread."

Gilda hunched over anxiously for a brief moment, before brushing it off with a flippant "Yeah?"

"We're _all_ probably going to be under investigation soon," Twilight said. "We need to know where you get it."

Gilda looked around at all the others with distaste. "Et tu, Dash?"

"Et yo," Rainbow said seriously. "This is serious, Gilda."

Gilda pretended to look thoughtful for a moment. "No," she said, turning away from them.

"Hey, dude," Rainbow snapped, forcefully turning Gilda's head. "You go under, you're taking the rest of us down too. Does that not bother you? What's the matter with you?" She shoved Gilda's chest.

"I'm not sharing," Gilda said pleasantly.

Rainbow backed away from Gilda, fuming. "Fluttershy, lean on her," she said.

"W… what?" Fluttershy said blankly.

"Lean on her. You know, tell her you own her, like you did before. That was awesome."

Rainbow pushed Fluttershy toward Gilda. Fluttershy blushed at the griffon's expectant face and said, "Um… hi. I own you."

"What's your point?" Gilda sneered.

"She can make or unmake you, G," said Rainbow.

"Go ahead, withdraw your support—all of you!" Gilda declared. "We've had crazy-ass profits. I can keep the business afloat on my share alone, all by my lonesome. I don't need any of you anymore!"

"Well…" Rainbow mused. "She could take over the entire business and do something incredibly foolish and reckless to make the entire business go down in flames."

Gilda pondered that. "Big deal," she finally said. "I can manage."

"Well, she can—"

"Dash, stop it," Fluttershy said gently. She stepped forward once again. "Gilda… please. We can help you."

Gilda stared at Fluttershy for a few seconds, her entire body quivering and her brow furrowed. Finally, she yelled a single word in Fluttershy's face, bellowing it with all the deafening force of a lion's roar: "FIIIIINE!"

With the ponies having backed away from her in fear, she paced back and forth. "I'll show you. I'll _show_ you! But we're gonna call this a private shareholders' meeting, have we all got that? What I reveal, what we talk about, it doesn't pass beyond the seven of us."

"We can't agree to—" Twilight began.

"You'll agree and you'll SWEAR, or we have no deal!" Gilda roared. "If this gets out, my life is OVER, do you hear me, OVER! Swear!"

"All right, all right!" Twilight said, exasperated. "Fine… I swear, we'll keep this meeting confidential."

Gilda looked her over suspiciously. "Swear on your cutie marks," she hissed.

Nearly all of the ponies gasped. "GILDA!" Twilight cried out. "_Never_ ask a pony to do that! That is _not_ appropriate!"

"Look, I _get_ that you candy-assed beasts of burden expect me to follow your piddly-diddly social mores," Gilda sneered. "I don't care. This is not gonna happen unless you swear on your cutie marks."

Twilight blinked and stared. "Could you give us a moment, please?" she said.

Gilda nodded. "Sure."

The ponies scurried to the other side of the store and got into a loose huddle.

"Social mores, my ass," Applejack whispered. "If you swear on your cutie mark and then go back on your word, your entire life could come crumblin' around you."

"Yeah, it's been known to happen," Twilight said thoughtfully.

"You're not seriously considering it, are you?" Rarity asked, staring in disbelief at Twilight's pondering expression.

"Look at her, girls," Twilight said, nodding toward Gilda. "She's terrified of… something."

"I'm not terrified," Gilda called from across the room.

The ponies turned to her in surprise.

"Eagle hearing," she said apologetically. "I hear everything in this store. Anyway, nothing terrifies me."

"You're terrified," Twilight said simply, walking back toward her. "I don't know what it is about Golden Thread that makes you so scared, but I think what scares you most is the idea of losing us as friends. The least I can do is give you assurance that that won't happen."

She closed her eyes and held her head high. "I, Twilight Sparkle, hereby swear on my cutie mark that I shall not reveal what I learn here today to any being not currently present."

Her cutie mark glowed white, filling the room with deep shadows.

"I swear on my cutie mark," Rainbow said solemnly, "um… what she said."

"I swear the same oath," Applejack said.

"And me," Pinkie said softly.

"And me," said Rarity.

"Me as well," Fluttershy said confidently.

They shut their eyes tightly as each of their cutie marks glowed. The room was nothing but pure white for several seconds, until the glowing cutie marks faded back to normal one at a time.

Gilda looked horrified. "I… I… I didn't know that would actually… you know, happen," she stammered. "When… when they say that's the most powerful oath a pony can make I thought it was, like, symbolic." She looked around at them nervously. "Should I, um… release you from your oaths? I can do that, right? Please tell me I can do that. You want me to?"

"Only if it's what you really want," Twilight said. "We've promised, now show us what you've been hiding."

"…Yeah, okay," Gilda agreed. "Come on, it's in the basement." She turned and started to walk away.

"We have a basement?" Rainbow said blankly.

"Just come on."

Gilda led them to the back wall of the store, where there were doors leading to the employee lounge and bathrooms.

"For the life of me, I had no idea there was a basement in this joint," Rainbow muttered.

"If you knew about the basement, you'd want to know what was down there," Gilda said, smirking.

"True dat," Rainbow admitted.

Gilda pulled aside a tapestry, depicting an armored griffon surrounded by tiny white chickens. Behind it was a huge, round door. Gilda inserted a key and pulled the door open with great difficulty.

Beyond the door was a huge, round tunnel going straight down into the earth. There were no stairs.

"How did you build this?" Twilight demanded.

"Investors," Gilda said simply. "Let's go."

Gilda scooped up Twilight and Applejack in her talons and started floating down the tunnel. The air grew hot and stifling as they drifted down into the earth.

The bottom of the tunnel opened into a huge stone chamber. In its center floated a blood-red spherical force field, a large kite-shaped silver shield stuck against the outside of it.

"Hey, Cocoon!" Gilda called. "I brought visitors."

Within the field, floating in a fetal position, was an exact replica of Gilda.

Gilda set Twilight and Applejack gently on the ground. Applejack approached the floating force field in astonishment, while Twilight anxiously kept her distance.

"What the…?" Applejack breathed, as the Gilda in the bubble transformed into her, still curled up and seeming asleep.

Rainbow landed in the chamber, carrying Pinkie, followed by Fluttershy with Rarity. The sleeping figure transformed into each of them in turn.

"Knock it off, Cocoon!" Gilda snarled, rushing forward. She punched the shield violently, and red bolts of lightning struck the figure. It screamed… then it changed into something else entirely.

It was jet-black, with a dull rust-red carapace and skinny legs that were full of holes. It opened its bulging green eyes, with their white, diamond-shaped pupils that stared vacantly into space.

"Hidey-ho," the thing said in a wheezy and bizarrely accented voice. "Cocoon am I."

"Ohh," Twilight gasped in comprehension, still in the back of the crowd. "Of course… It's a changeling!"

And it was indeed, though quite different from any other they had seen. Its mane was purple, thick in the front and tied in a long, skinny rat-tail at the back. Instead of a single horn, it had a pair of them just above its ears, curved and forward-thrust like those of a bull. Its gossamer wings were almost comically large and pale lavender in color, and the holes seemingly punched in them were triangular.

"Darn big one, too," Applejack muttered.

"Darn big one, too," Cocoon repeated, imitating Applejack's voice perfectly. He was indeed big; though the enormous changeling queen would have towered over him, he was somewhere between Luna and Celestia in size, though it was difficult to tell with him still curled up like a baby.

"And here's the big enchilada," Gilda said, gently stroking the shield. Beams of energy surged from the edges of the force field and jolted Cocoon's head. From his nostrils came a steady stream of globular golden material. After a fair amount of it was produced, Gilda stopped touching the shield and the glob fell away from Cocoon's nose. A tiny hole opened, briefly, in the bottom of the force field to let the glob drop out; Gilda caught the wad of gold silk and held it up for the ponies to see.

Applejack cringed. "I've been wearin' horseshoes made outta snot?"

Gilda rolled her eyes. "It isn't snot, it's silk. Like you get from a spider or a caterpillar. You ponies use stuff like that all the time."

Rainbow Dash inspected the silver shield. Red lines down the middle divided it into three sections, each with a different emblem: at the top, a pair of skis and ski poles; on the left, a pawprint; and on the right, four dark red pieces of round candy. "Where'd you get the shield?" Rainbow inquired.

"Some low-down unicorn crook in Vanhoover, guy named Largo," Gilda said. "We'd been working together, and he knew I'd have to keep Cocoon contained, so he made this for me."

"Hidey-ho," said Cocoon. "Cocoon am I."

Twilight stared up at Cocoon with apprehension. "Maybe you should start from the beginning," she said to Gilda.

Gilda nodded. "Well, it began up north in Vanhoover. I'd found my way into a little crime family—workin' for Largo. Gambling, loansharking, protection rackets. Mostly my job was being scary. Then one day, on the outskirts of the city, right on Equestria's northern border, I found this guy." She gazed up at Cocoon wistfully. "Helpless, muttering to himself, wounded and sick. He was so cute and pathetic and potentially _useful_ that I just had to take him home with me.

"I tended to his wounds. I marched a couple of loving couples by his sickbed so he could eat, not a lot but at least enough to keep him vital. Then when he was at full health, he tried to kill me. In fact, from then on, whenever he got a little bit of mobility—no matter how far away I was or who else was around, he'd go after me, and try to kill… me, specifically, and only me."

She shivered at the memory. "So we kept him locked up. I mean, why not? He's obviously insane as all hell. Can't even talk, apart from repeating what somepony just said, or saying—"

"Hidey-ho. Cocoon am I."

"Yeah, that."

Twilight nodded, the pieces coming together for her. "So, what brought you… and him… here?"

"Largo found out that some of our fellow crooks were plotting to steal Cocoon," Gilda said. "Only natural. For a number of reasons, we—and the city of Vanhoover—couldn't afford to have that happen. Largo told me to get outta town for my own safety. As a parting gift, he gave me… well, Cocoon himself, for one. Also the magical shield that Largo enchanted himself, projecting this force field so that I can be secure, always knowing where Cocoon is and never having to fear him again." She offhandedly punched the shield, and more bolts of electricity surged into Cocoon, making him cry out in pain.

"And his knowledge," Gilda continued. "Everything he'd found out about the silk Cocoon produces and what it could be used for. Largo is… he's a good guy, really. Honor among thieves personified. He told me to make the best of it, and I immediately thought of all of you. I'd say we've done that, right? Made the best of it? Succeeded beyond my wildest dreams, actually."

Twilight wasn't so sure. "How does he survive?" she demanded.

"Oh, he feeds off the emotions of all the ponies in town, I imagine," Gilda said flippantly. "There's so many ponies and only one of him, I figure he gets his fill without weakening anypony… so no harm done." Her face darkened. "He's strong, though. Real strong. He cannot be allowed to escape. Sure, all he has on his mind is killing me, but after he pulls it off, who knows? Whether he's in Ponyville or Vanhoover, it probably won't be pretty."

Rainbow looked at Gilda sympathetically. "I get now why you wanted all this to stay a secret. If there's an investigation, if any of this goes public…"

"Then sooner or later," Gilda said grimly, "some lame-o—maybe as a prank, maybe 'cause they want the silk for themselves, maybe just because they're high on maintaining the dignity of sentient creatures—but either way they'll want to let him go."

"And when you said your life would be over…" Rainbow mused.

Gilda hung her head, tensing up angrily. "It's my biggest shame, you know? That I've sunk to the level of keeping a fellow being locked up in my friggin' dungeon because I'm not tough enough to get him off my back."

Rainbow gently massaged Gilda's back, just between the wings. "What are you doing?" Gilda muttered.

"What I do to all my friends when they're this upset. Don't you remember?"

"Oh… oh yeah."

"You found him at the northern border?" Twilight cut in. She had been at the back of the group, keeping her distance out of fear, but she was now slowly making her way toward the captive changeling.

"Yep," Gilda said.

"By Vanhoover, in the west?" Twilight pressed.

"Um, yeah?" Gilda said condescendingly.

"That's the direction the queen and her army went when they were blown away," Twilight muttered. "Was this before or after the changelings invaded Canterlot?"

"Um… couple days after," Gilda said. "I remember, 'cause the news had just reached us up there. I mean, that's the only reason we even knew what he was."

Twilight looked up at him. "I wonder what he was doing. How he got hurt…"

"We may never know," Gilda said simply. "Like I said, he ain't talkin'."

Cocoon's white pupils darted down toward Twilight. "YOU!" he squealed.

"Ah!" Twilight jumped back in surprise.

Cocoon lifted his head and straightened his legs, filling almost the entire bubble. "You… know do I!" he hissed at Twilight.

"What?" Twilight breathed.

"You, about all told did Chrysalis Queen," Cocoon said darkly. "Sister are you. Goddess-love… of sister. Goddess-love _hates_ does Chrysalis Queen."

"Uh… what?" Twilight said again, now just confused.

Cocoon pressed himself against the force field, getting his body as close to Twilight as he could. "Goddess-love of sister, listen," he said eagerly. "Canterlot in, lost we… after, scout to I sent did Chrysalis Queen. Honored was I. End to, queen mine serve would I!"

He backed away, looking thoughtful. "Hrmmm. Failed did I. Back report never to me leaving, I captured did griffon-filth." He shot an angry look at Gilda, then stared off into space. "Forever trapped am I now. Again… Chrysalis Queen see… never will I."

Cocoon sighed deeply. The room was completely silent for a few long moments, apart from the humming of the force field.

Soon, Cocoon curled back up. "Hidey-ho," he said. "Cocoon am I."

"What the hell was that?" Gilda demanded.

"Hidey-ho. Cocoon am I."

Rainbow Dash looked around at the others. "Did anypony understand a word he said?"

"I think so," Twilight said. "Let's, uh… get back upstairs, shall we? It's really hot and muggy down here."

Rainbow nodded and picked up Twilight, heading back up the tunnel and setting her down on the floor of the Golden Thread shop. The others followed, and Gilda quickly set to work shutting the heavy door and replacing the tapestry.

"'Goddess of love', that's Cadance," Twilight said. "And 'Chrysalis Queen'… I assume that's the queen of the changelings? She got blasted clean out of Equestria, right over the northwestern border. It's fair to assume that a day or so later, she sent Cocoon to scout for information."

"He wasn't at the siege of Canterlot, was he?" Rarity said, frowning. "Somepony would have noticed a soldier that was so much bigger than all the others."

"Maybe, maybe not," Twilight said. "But clearly the queen wanted to make a return of some sort… and told her scout to watch out for me, apparently, as well as Cadance."

"That kind of corks it, don't it?" Applejack said. "If he's gonna report back to old Cheeselegs, we're better off keepin' him in the bubble. Not _just_ for Gilda's sake or Ponyville's sake, but for the safety of Equestria."

"Are we sure we should keep him secret?" Fluttershy said anxiously. "What if the queen comes looking for him?"

"That… strikes me as unlikely," Twilight said. "I get the vibe that she's more the type to just send _another_ scout… and another and another and as many as it takes, one after another. But I've been wrong before. _Maybe_ she's into minion-sacrificing tactics, but maybe she actually has some sentiment toward our guy down there. Either way, we ought to keep an eye out for her."

Pinkie nervously twisted her hair, which was still straight and sleek. "Changelings," she cursed.

"Yep," Rainbow agreed. "Talk about your paranoia fuel…"

"Gilda, we'll uphold our oaths," Twilight said. "That means if anypony comes looking for your secret… well, it's our secret too, and we'll protect it at any cost. If I have to tell the princesses themselves to get off your back, I will."

Gilda blinked at her. "…Really?"

"They'll understand," Twilight said brightly. "I swore on my cutie mark."

Gilda continued staring at Twilight with her piercing raptor eyes. "I… thanks," she said reluctantly.

The six ponies walked out of the store and looked around into the streets of Ponyville. Their familiar home suddenly felt quite different.

"It just doesn't feel right," Fluttershy said. "Leaving a living creature trapped like that."

"He's an enemy, Fluttershy," Twilight said. "I don't like it either, but look at it this way: he needs to be imprisoned, and what Gilda has is probably the best we'll ever get."

"Yeah, okay," Fluttershy said bitterly. "You're right, of course."

As the friends started walking down the street, Pinkie made an effort to fluff up her mane. "So now what?" she asked.

"As we agreed, life goes on," Twilight said.

"Yep!" Rainbow said boisterously. "Just gotta take it one day at a time, right up until the day that Pinkie Pie goes all _Cupcakes_ on our asses."

"Huh?" Pinkie said blankly.

Applejack convulsed violently. "Gaa-aa-aah," she shuddered. "You've, uh, seen that movie, then?"

"Nah, I read the book," Rainbow said. "Think I'll pass on the movie."

"There's a _book_?" Applejack said with revulsion.

"I've seen both, much to the displeasure of the parts of my brain that don't enjoy nightmares," Twilight said cheerfully. "Or numb tingling in all my extremities…"

"What are you guys talkin' about?" Pinkie said curiously.

"Uh, nothing, Pinkie," Rainbow said hastily. "Twi, go back to what you were saying before."

"Right—we keep moving forward… all of us together," Twilight said, looking toward the late-afternoon sun. "Yeah," she said, with more confidence. "Moving forward together. Let's do it."

-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-

**END OF PART ONE**


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